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Tag Archives: Americans

Journalism Student Writes Article Defending Millennials While Vigorously Masturbating

5 Dec
Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

EVANSTON, Ill. – While penning an opinion piece about why the generation of Americans aged 18-30 is in fact one of the hardest-working and most intelligent generations this country has ever seen, Northwestern student Timothy DeVaine (Medill, ’15) could not help but start tugging on his penis in a furious and fast-paced motion until he successfully reached orgasm.

Sources confirmed that DeVaine was not initially that excited as he typed the first paragraph of the piece on his Macbook Air, gifted to him by his parents in honor of his 3.4 cumulative GPA last year, a paragraph which read, “They’re self-absorbed.  They expect a reward for every little thing they do.  Continue reading

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Obama to commemorate JFK by sleeping with Kim Kardashian

21 Nov
via celebuzz.com

via celebuzz.com

WASHINGTON– President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.

“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”

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“OMG Study Abroad was SOOOO Life Changing!” Reports Annoying Douchebag

2 Aug
Douche Croissants

Douche Croissants

EVANSTON–After returning from a 5-month study abroad program located in Paris, France, Sally Peterson (Weinberg ’14) reportedly spent the next month and a half being an annoying prick about how life-changing the experience was.

Those who have spoken to Peterson since she returned have said that she “literally will not shut the fuck up about study abroad and how cultured she is.”

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US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

1 Apr
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

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Guys, Newt had an idea!

27 Jan

Genteleman, I have a plan. Let's destroy the Republican Party!

Newt Gingrich recently promised that by the year 2020, the United States would have a colony on the Moon if he is elected president in the 2012 election. Like literally, this was a thing he said. These words came out of his mouth intentionally. Here’s the quote: “By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon. And it will be American.”

Again, and this cannot be stressed enough, this was a thing that he said in an attempt to convince Americans he would stimulate the economy, reduce the size of government, and cut the deficit.

So I thought I’d call up a few of my closest friends and get their reactions to Newt’s new campaign platform.

Mitt Romney: So this is the guy that’s leading me in the polls? He’s actually ahead of me? I just… I really don’t understand what I did to make you hate me so much. I have been so nice to all of you. I considered you friends of mine. I put my life on hold for you fuckers. And THIS is how you treat me?! KAY. COOL. WE’RE OVER. GET OFF MY LAWN.

Ron Paul: Great idea. You first, bro.

The late, great Frank Sinatra: Flyyyy me to the mooooon, you delusional bag of serial adultery.

Zlurg, leader of the Moon People: So help me Thor, if you try to take our lands we will destroy you and everything you love. We will come down there and raze your buildings, burn your wildlands, poison your water, eradicate your air and kill every single one of you. Slowly. One by one. Starting with women and children. Do not for a moment think I am joking. You have one hour.

Rick Santorum: I had the exact same idea! But then I did a quick Bing search– #boycottGoogle, amirite guyz?!—and found out that going to the moon involves science. So, uh, good luck with that! HAHAHAHAHAH SCIENCE HEHEHEHE.

Has he seriously never seen Moonraker?

Morty Schapiro: Do I have a reaction to Newt’s proposal? No. No I do not. Do I have a reaction to Kenan Thompson coming to campus? OOOOWWWWWEEEEE T-SHANE YES I DO.

A lolcat: I can haz moonburger?

Marianne Gingrich, Newt’s second wife: Oh this is JUST like you, Newt. Leave Mother Nature the moment she gets sick for some cooler, younger planet who can do things I never could. That’s it, isn’t it? What does the Moon do for you, Newt? Tell me, I wanna know. Does she tell you you’re so much smarter and sexier than all the other Earthlings? Is that it? Or is she willing to do things I’m not? Maybe that’s it. OR MAYBE IT’S THE FACT SHE DOESN’T HAVE M.S. LIKE I DO. COULD THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT?!

Barack Obama: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD STOP. There’s noooo way this is real. You guys, you guys come hear what Newt said! No seriously, come hear this! Yeah, I KNOW! Everyone take the next five months off, I think we got this hahahahahaha.

Interviews: A Zombie

11 Dec

Turns out, zombies are real. And we have one in captivity.

Mr. Nibbles struggles with a brain addiction and chronic back pain

This is an interview with an actual zombie, who was born, raised, died, and raised in Haiti. On Sherman Avenue’s latest manatee-hunting excursion, we found a zombie, named him Mr. Nibbles, and took him home to be our new pet. This interview was conducted through the bars of his cage (in the bedroom of Sir Edward Twattingworth III), as we fed him centipede brains from Plex and Cheerios from Hinman.

Sherman Ave: Tell us, Mr. Nibbles, how did you become a zombie?

Nibbles: Well, it started out when I went to the Bokor to get some pot.

SA: What’s a Bokor?

Nibbles: Our resident witch doctor. You know how whenever American thugs want to cut a bitch, they cut the bitch? Haitians just go see the Bokor and he curses the bitch. He also deals things.

SA: So what was different when you went to buy from him this time?

Nibbles: Well, I told him that my last trip had been more painful than teaching wildcats to play sports. So he gave me something new to try. Said it came from pufferfish.

SA: What did the pufferfish stuff do?

Nibbles: It knocked me out. I apparently looked pretty dead.

SA: How long did this go on?

Nibbles: Long enough to be buried alive. Can I have some more Cheerios?

SA: Not until you’re done with the interview. What was being dead like?

Nibbles: I wasn’t dead, I was just unresponsive.* When I eventually came to, I felt worse than freshmen sorostitutes on a post-Keg Tuesday morning, and I had a mad case of the munchies. Basically, the Bokor had knocked me out and then given me a dose of datura, which is just your run-of-the-mill potentially toxic hallucinogen.

SA: Can you describe the effects of datura?

Nibbles: Well, it walks a foggy, fucked-up line somewhere between hallucinogen and near-death experience. I’d done it before I was zombified on it. You kinda mumble around tripping massive crusty balls. Side effects are extreme suggestibility, amnesia, diaphragm paralysis, and sometimes aggression. There are Youtube videos of state school Motherfuckers immortalizing each other’s bad decisions on datura. But essentially, you’ve just been roofied by the Bokor.

SA: So in a stereotypical zombie, the drooling, moaning, slurring, limping, and aggression is probably because of the datura.

Nibbles: Exactly. And because zombies are pretty complacent most of the time, they usually get put to work in the field. But I’m sure there are Bokors who get more creative with their zombie slaves.**

SA: Do you identify with the common stereotype of a zombie?

Nibbles: I mean, in some ways. I definitely lost a lot of brains due to asphyxiation while I was buried alive, as a lot of zombies do. I think that oftentimes that disappointment that you’ve just died a little on the inside manifests itself in the aggression caused by the datura. You just want your brains back in whatever way you can, and you end up trying to nom on anyone normal in the area.

A huge part of zombification is the mental adjustment. When you’ve been buried alive and you wake up feeling more fucked up than the lovechild of Tom Cruise and Charlie Sheen, a common question to ask is, “What’s wrong with me?” But the question never comes out right. You end up with something like, “Hn wclch trchk blm nnnnng?” And when the answer from your friends and family is “HOLY FLYING FUCK, I THOUGHT YOU DIED,” at some point you do start believing you’re a zombie. It’s like your crotchety black uncle who’s convinced he’s a Democrat because he’s a minority, despite his right-wing stance on every fucking issue on the platform. It’s like having anorexia and participating in the Stanford prison experiment. There’s this impossibly perfect standard of what a zombie should be, and you have zombies becoming someone else to try to fit into those roles.

SA: So what you’re saying is that you felt pressured by the cultural expectations of zombies.

Nibbles: Yeah. I started hanging around graveyards, I lumbered around slower than the frustrating Motherfucker in the dining hall who’s obliviously in your way when you’re hauling ass to the cookie bar line, I didn’t say anything but “NNNNNGGG” for a year or two. I mean, what kind of a word is “Ng”? The stereotyping and idealization of zombies in the media is a dangerous cultural phenomenon, and it goes unquestioned and unreported. Every time you watch a George Romero film, I beg you to please remember that not every zombie can tear the limbs off of a pair of dumbass lovers trying to make a kamikaze run for their lives. And not every zombie wants to.

SA: Are there any portrayals of zombies in movies that you’d like our readers to watch?

Nibbles: Yeah. There’s a Spanish foreign film*** called Rec, off of which the American piece of shit Quarantine was based. If you’re going to watch a zombie movie, Rec is significantly more heinous. Please honor Latin America with the concession that this movie might be the one thing we don’t do as well. Also, Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. Hanna-Barbera gets enough zombie facts right to be legit.

SA: Thank you. Nibbles, I think this concludes our interview. We really appreciate your input on the subject. It’s been a heinous time.

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*Like the side door of Annenberg.
**Interactive question for readers: What would YOU do with a zombie slave?
***There are subtitles. Get over it, you’re reading things right now. But apparently they mistranslate the foul language, so whenever you hear the word “mierda” you’ll have to either get off your lazy ass and onto Spanishdictionary.com, or rely on whatever AP Spanish remains accessible behind the stacks of quotable South Park episodes in your brain. See? You knew being bilingual was good for something. You can power trip over your ability to point out inconsistencies in the translation of profanity.