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Tag Archives: Andrew Jackson for President

John F. Kennedy Speaks to NU Student Body, Endorses ASG Candidate Jackson

19 Apr
"Ich bin ein Wildcat"- President Kennedy.

“Ich bin ein Wildcat”- President Kennedy.

Deceased President John Fitzgerald Kennedy today announced via televised press conference that he endorses fellow deceased President Andrew Jackson for the position of president of Northwestern University’s Associated Student Government.

Looking dapper as always and speaking directly to members of the NU student body, Kennedy said: “I trust yo-ah student body will wisely choose the right man for the job, Andrew Jackson. Not only is he qualified to carry on this institution’s dedication to racial and social equality, he has also promised to do absolutely nothing to enhance student life once elected, which is the express purpose of this office.”

Kennedy reminded the students, “Ask nawt what yo-ah university student govahment can do for you-ah, but… well, don’t ask, because they don’t know-er what they are supposed to do for you-ah. Honestly you should nawt expect much no matter what the result.”

When questioned why he was endorsing Old Hickory rather than one of the other candidates, Kennedy chose to speak candidly: “Look guys, you don’t know how much shit I have to take from Jackson and the rest now that it’s socially acceptable to make jokes about my assassination.” The conference was awkward thereafter.

Choosing to break the awkward silence, a heavily intoxicated Sophomore Comm student asked Kennedy whether he often had to put up with taunts in ‘President Heaven’, Kennedy responded: “Yes, er… uh… Heaven… that’s exactly what it is” and vanished in a burst of hellfire.

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EDITORIAL: In ASG Election, Andrew Jackson Must Drop Out

13 Apr

This year’s field of ASG presidential candidates is full of students with a variety of ideas, platforms and qualifications to hold Northwestern’s highest elected office. And then, there’s Andrew Jackson.

For those who don’t know, our nation’s seventh president is apparently mounting an insurgent campaign for ASG president, as publicized by flyering, chalking, a Facebook fan page and an active Twitter account. While we are immensely flattered that a former U.S. president would run for ASG, we at The Ave can no longer ignore his horrific record of human rights violations and therefore must call on Andrew Jackson to drop out of the race for ASG president immediately.

I'd shoot him in a duel.

I’d shoot him in a duel.

Jackson is running as “The People’s President,” a moniker he earned for his populist style of campaigning and governing. Yet this slogan begs the question: which people? Surely if we are to be #OneNorthwestern then we must recognize that our ASG president must have respect for all members of our community. Continue reading