ASG Int’l Blitzkrieg Campaign Remains Unappeased

Because haircuts should mirror bird plummage

Strutting through an Italian plaza (if you don’t strut they won’t know you’re American) the other day, I was enjoying just another day in the life. Curses from the enfeebled elderly couple I elbowed out of my way, glares from the feathered mohawk Euro-bag regarding my outfit of baggy jeans and a North Face, and the utter contempt of the only people who know English here, the miserably poor Indian men marketing their shitty lighters (luckily they can understand “Today’s just like yesterday, asshole, I ain’t buyin’”). When, lo, to my surprise, I was warmly greeted by a friendly, well-fed, terribly-dressed collegian.

“Hey, I’m out supporting Ani for ASG President, and we’re really interested in how annual term study-abroad students can have their Northwestern Experience brought to the next level!”

Blown away by the touching interest that ASG campaigners take in their student body, I spat on the ground and cursed “No one wants you here, gypsy” in Italian. I was completely flabbergasted and responded in the fashion of my new motherland (in fact the elderly couple from earlier witnessed the whole exchange and sweetly clasping my hand they said “Damn Albanians”).

Meet the ASG Candidates: Ani and Alex

Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is the final of four interviews. Look for more #ASJizz013 coverage to come.

Ani, debating Alex on his pro-choice Student Life views.

What’s your favorite shitty beer, or assuming you’re not 21, what hypothetically would be your favorite shitty beer, and what does that tell us about you?

Alex: Hmm, if I had to choose just one, I’d probably go with PBR. I don’t think it would be my drink of choice for a nice Friday night, but it has the right mixture of cheap, affordability, and taste to get you through that point in life. If you choose to.

Ani: Hypothetically, if I were to be a legal beer fan, then Busch Light. That’s what I’ve heard at least. I’d assume that it tastes like you’d expect beer of it’s ilk to taste. And it comes in these large cases, that are ridiculously low-priced–as I’ve seen, and not purchased. So I can only assume as to the quality of it. I’ve seen people react to it in strange and odd ways, in basements and in crowded rooms. Something magical. What does it taste like?

So I’m just curious, Ani. How many people did you have to ask until Alex finally agreed to become your VP?

Ani: It’s funny, because I was asked by someone else to be their ASG candidate. I don’t want to reveal who. But I’ve worked with all of them before, all the other candidates. Alex and I, we were first choices for both of us. It really is about the chemistry between the pairs as well. Literally, we share calendars.

Alex: It’s kind of creepy. Buuuutt, it’s necessary.

Ani: There’s always that thing, ‘Where are you!? Oh wait, I already know. Never mind.’ But you’re working for the next year with this person. You’re working very closely. It’s not just about sharing an office, it’s about sharing calendars, it’s about sharing a mission in life, oh God it sounds like we’re getting married.

Alex: My girlfriend kind of thinks so. But…

Ani: It’s also about the shared values. Alex and I, we’re from two different worlds. Like literally two different worlds. I’m a guy, I was born in Bangalore, India. I’ve lived in Vietnam and the U.S., in Arizona  and North Carolina and Texas.

Alex: And my family has been in Ohio since the late 1700s. So… pretty different.

Ani: But it’s amazing. We’ve been brought together at Northwestern, we share similar values regarding what this community has. We’ve met amazing people. We have relationships with many of them, many of whom are listed on our website. People who we’ve actually worked with and not just, you know, pretended to.

This is the future, and it is sexy: Disney Buys LucasFilm

Three of my top five worst sexual nightmares are included in this image.

So by now you’ve probably heard of the ensuing deal in which Disney is buying out LucasFilm and the rights to the greatest sci-fi franchise ever (come at me, Trekkies) for $4 billion. You likely found out on Facebook, where somebody posted a status being all “I FEELZ A GREAT DISTURBANCE IN THE FILMS L0LZ!” but don’t be fooled. This is a good thing. Hell, it’s great.

Regardless of what RTVF majors have to tell you, Disney is not the worst thing to happen to films since Howard the Duck. They have created numerous masterpieces of the moving image, and the succession of Jewish chief executives recently more than makes up for the fact that Walt was kind of a raging, yet deservedly cherished, asshole. Not to be on their dick or anything, but Disney has also used their acquisitions incredibly well. Their most recent CEO, Bob Iger[1], has channeled his inner JD Rockefeller and went on a shopping spree of potential competitors, buying up Pixar in 2006 and Marvel in 2009.  With these franchises, he has made: Up, WALL-E, Toy Story 3[2], the new kickass X-Men, the new attractive-people Spiderman, and the superb eyefuck that was the Avengers. Also, the people who directed Disney pictures and would probably be picked to do Star Wars Episode VII are like the pantheon of nerd heroes. You’ve got Brad Bird, Gore Verbinski, Brett Ratner, JJ Abrams, and freaking Joss Whedon. HOW AWESOME WOULD A JOSS WHEDON STAR WARS BE.

Oh yeah, this “article” is about Star Wars. This brings me to my next point: George Lucas is an aging hack. I know this has become a cliché among the fandom, but that doesn’t make it in any less true. He has his defenders, who will say that since he made this great story in the first place, he can make any movies he wants and should still be loved. Yeah, that’s like saying that Mitt Romney is undeserving of critique because he was a pretty good governor of Massachusetts. But according to soothsayer Nate Silver, Obama’s up by 20 in the state, and George Lucas left a huge blemish on my childhood with Jar-Jar and rat-tails and “This is so wizard, Ani!” He had numerous chances to do well with the Star Wars franchise after the 80s, and he failed in unique ways every time. I say, good riddance. Change is good, and Disney will do some sensational things with the franchise.

Our mousy overlords will probably rely on the immense Expanded Universe for the prophesized Episode VII, but they will come up with newer characters than the original trilogy. Han, Leia, and Luke are all WAY too iconic to replace, and the old actors simply can’t do them. Even though Princess Leia would have been the first Disney Princess to be elected to the Senate[3], Carrie Fisher is simply too coked out to reprise the role. Harrison Ford is only concerned with cashing his Medicare checks and saving people with his helicopter, and Mark Hamill would love to come back, but he reeks of desperation and cheap schnapps[4].  So this means the series will maybe take place in the Knights of the Old Republic Universe[5], but it will probably actually deal with the Thrawn trilogy which occurs after the original series, and shoehorn in Jacen and Jaina Solo, Han and Leia’s spunky twin kids. This will be sweet, since it can be political, endearing, deal with simple moral issues, and still have probably the coolest antagonist in the series, Grand Admiral Thrawn. This is an alien who succeeds in an institutionally racist organization because he is dispassionate, ridiculous witty, and learns from the enemy by studying their art. This is as close to a Bond villain as the Star Wars movies will get, complete with special death-dealing gadgets. Also, (old) Luke will have a romantic interest who’s not his sister[6], which is good. I’ll leave on that, with the glorious image of Scarlett Johansson as Mara Jade. This is the future, and it is sexy.

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[1] Who married some Catholic shiksa, this is the son I raised…

[2] That was us, remember!?! Except you can totally bring your toys here, just make them face the wall when you’re smanging someone

[3] Sorry Kirsten Gillibrand!

[4] Did you know he voiced Fire Lord Ozai? Do you think he has Zuko’s honor in his trailer?

[5] With the aptly named HK-47, C-3PO’s more badass and snarky cousin

[6] What is it with blonds and incest, amirite?