Tag Archives: animals

7 Pictures of Animals Acting Like Animals

25 Jan

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1. This is a dog acting normal.

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Little Victories: Small Things That Help Improve Your Mood

27 Aug

We all have bad days. Maybe you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe your orgo midterm grade came back. Maybe you found out that the Theta girl you had over last night watched a little too much Twilight in high school and wake up to find that your neck matches Northwestern’s new uniform color. Or maybe that guy you told to call you maybe didn’t call you…MAYBE. Regardless of the reasons, we will all have bad days, but there are several tiny things that can help make those bad days better – or maybe even turn those days around completely.

1. Putting on Warm Underwear

The South will rise again!

Let’s be honest here: there are few things better than the sudden warming of your nether-regions that comes after slipping on underwear just out of the dryer. Though the feeling is short-lived, I imagine it’s the same feeling female gymnast have after winning their medals – excited, jubilant, and a little depressed knowing things only go downhill from there.  I’d even go as far as saying that putting on warm underwear is one of the best things that can happen to anyone’s junk (man junk and lady junk) without another person involved (placing it around the 2057th best thing that can happen to someone’s junk overall). When you put on warm underwear, you feel like you can take on the world – and you would too if only you could get yourself to put on the rest of your clothes and stop moaning in the middle of the Laundromat.

2. Discovering New Meme Websites

This is a personal bright spot for me. In my personal opinion, discovering a new source for your favorite type of meme – whether they be Olympic-themed, celebrity-themed, or little-face Mitt Romney-themed (look them up, seriously…seriously…srysly), discovering a new meme site can brighten up any boring day. Let me save you a little time. Did you know there’s a website dedicated to Animals Talking in All Caps? Really. It’s a thing. Here it is: http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/.

However, if for some odd reason animals talking in all caps is not your thing, there’s bound to be a meme site for you out there for you to waste hours upon hours of your day staring at, forgetting that you just bombed your last test because you spent the entire day prior to the test staring at a new meme site.

3. When workers at Starbucks spell your name right

I had no idea “Omar” had so different spellings.

It’s the bane of any non-Anglo-Saxon person’s existence. No, I’m not talking about racism, intolerance, or even Paul Ryan, no – I’m talking about the barista’s at Starbucks. Yes, those illiterate bastards are probably the worst thing to happen to anyone of foreign descent since colonization (As a person of German, British, France, Austrian, and Russian descent, I am still deeply, deeply sorry about that one. We really fucked up. No, you still can’t have complete control of your economies yet – but I’m still sorry). It’s amazing to see how anyone who managed to successfully fill out a job application can misspell a four letter name so badly.

However, these horrible failures do have one up-side: the feeling of delight you have when someone finally spells your name right. The day that you received your Frappuccino with your name spelled without three extra Y’s, a J, and a dollar sign is likely one of the best days you’ve had in recent memory and this occurring again could probably turn any bad day into a pretty good one.

4. Fat Kids

Just look at this funny bastard. Manua circa 2007

I know we may disagree on the meme thing, but I think we can all agree on one thing: fat kids are hilarious. Like, is there anything funnier than a fat kid doing things wrong? As a former fat kid, I know – we’re just a hilarious bunch. So whenever you’re having a hard time, just look up videos of fat kids struggling and you’ll replace your normal sadness with happiness and guilt.

5. Finding out that people you dislike got ugly

Does this really need explanation? Think of someone you hate. Now, imagine one day you saw this person and you noticed that he or she had put on 30 pounds and lost their front tooth. You’re welcome. If you’re ever fortunate enough to have this happen in real life, take a picture and frame it. It will basically be like taking an anti-depressant except without the risk of Nausea, Insomnia, Anxiety, Restlessness, Decreased sex drive, Dizziness, Weight gain, Tremors, Sweating, Sleepiness or fatigue, Dry mouth, Diarrhea, Constipation, Headaches, Worsened Depression, or Desire to Commit Suicide (real list of side effects. It’s probably best to find people you dislike that got ugly or look up pictures of fat kids).

6. Coming Back to School

DEAR GOD THERE WOULD NOT BE ANYTHING BETTER THAN SCHOOL STARTING! WHY ARE WE ON THE QUARTER SYSTEM? WHY IS EVERYONE GONE? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF? DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE 24 HOURS IN EVERY DAY? 24 LONELY, SAD HOURS? LET SCHOOL START AGAIN! I DON’T WANT TO PICK UP A NEW HOBBY AND I’VE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF EVEN STEVENS TWICE!!! MAKE IT END!!!!

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Things That Rock: Republicans

18 Jan

Good to see you again. Sorry that it’s been so long since I last made you laugh, but I’ve had a tumultuous couple of weeks. You see, ever since I stole away from my monastery in the middle of the night (no, that ‘Brother’ in my name isn’t random) armed only with a box of tagalongs Peanut Butter Patties and a pair of hook swords, I have been mercilessly pursued by a cadre of cyborg zombie ninjas hell-bent on forcing me back to the monastery where I would be forced to eat beets and contemplate Godel Escher Bach alongside the other monks for the rest of eternity. Hell no. But now that I’m safely holed up in a top-secret bunker located miles beneath Ayers Rock, I’m free to write another article!

I'll miss this woman.

Luckily for all you raging optimists, this one is about something that’s awesome, as opposed to something that’s terrible. Even better, it’s about a ‘diamond in the rough’ sort of awesomeness that can be hard to appreciate if you take it too seriously.* In other words: this year’s Republican presidential primaries.

The GOP candidates (or as I like to call them, Mitt & Friends) have been so ubiquitous in our culture these last few months that I’m sure your mind was assailed with a flood of images and quotes and feelings as soon as you saw those words. Maybe they’ve made you angry or sad or scared for the future of America. But hell, they were entertaining, weren’t they?

Yes they were. Especially once it became clear that turds like Michele Bachmann had no chance of making the cut, it was fun to kick back and watch Rick Perry metaphorically poop himself on live TV or listen to Herman Cain quote the Pokemon movie after his past as a serial rapist was revealed.

Here’s how I parlayed the possible terror of these primaries into something enjoyable: Imagine you went in for a routine dentist checkup. You expect it to be as routine and uneventful as it always is when you go in for these appointments every four years, but surprise! Your dentist finds deep rot in some of your teeth. A root canal’s the only thing for it. Shit, you’ve got a nonrefundable one-way ticket to of the most infamously painful procedures ever conceived by doctors. Begin the nervous freakout.

What else to say about the awesomeness of the GOP primaries?

That root canal diagnosis (and the crippling fear that accompanied it on your part) was Bachmann winning the Ames Straw Poll, or perhaps Perry’s entry into the campaign as a veritable behemoth of money and charisma and prayer, plus former pizza CEO Herman Cain making the cover of Newsweek as the candidate to beat. Former pizza CEO! It sure looked like America was headed for an extremely painful procedure, wasn’t it?

But then a few days later, after you’ve spent several sleepless nights tossing and turning over your fate, you get a call from your dentist. He forgot to tell you: they’re going to knock you out for all of it. You won’t feel a thing. And painkillers being what they are these days, you’ll be right as rain within 24 hours.

For me, that brow-wiping ‘wheeeeeeeeeeew’ moment was the poll, one of the first after Cain and Perry and Bachmann had risen and fallen in the ratings like the figures on a merry go round (only if those figures were stupid clowns instead of the usual beautiful horses), that showed Newt Gingrich in first place. NEWT GINGRICH! FIRST PLACE! Good God, this man once impeached a president for infidelity while cheating on his second wife with a woman who ended up becoming his third wife, and later explained his extramarital affairs by saying that they were “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country.” Yes! And he was in first place to be the Republican candidate for president! I had been almost scared to laugh at the primaries up to this point, like meeting a guy at a party who keeps nonsensically rambling about Clarence Thomas, only you don’t laugh because you can’t tell if he’s joking or drunk. But now Newt Gingrich was in first place! Turns out that guy was drunk and joking! Commence laughter!**

In a gold-in-the-sand kind of way, or perhaps in a we’ll-knock-you-out-for-the-entire-procedure kind of way, that subtle change in viewing the GOP primaries completely transforms the experience from frightening to hilarious. Once you don’t have to worry about finding a house in Canada (my personal Bachmann contingency plan), you can enjoy these video compilations of classic Bachmann quotes (complete with music!) and laugh at the complete absurdity of the existence of ‘classic Bachmann quotes.’ Once you don’t have to watch professional people seriously debate the 9-9-9 tax plan, you can enjoy the ceaseless stream of ridiculousness that is Herman Cain. Once Rick Santorum wins second place in the Iowa caucuses and opens the door to all sorts of Twitter-ready remarks about how Santorum is being spread in Iowa, it’s nothing but joy.

The man loves to get some tail.

I loved these primaries. From a comedy standpoint, there really was nothing better. How can you not love a primary campaign that spawned a website devoted to showcasing animals with Newt Gingrich?

Unfortunately, it looks like we’re going to be stuck with Romney vs. Obama for the next few months, two rational, intelligent, and capable men locked in learned debate. Being the heinous renegade monk that I am, I don’t really know what ‘learned debate’ means, but I’m guessing there will be fewer Pokemon quotes involved. I don’t know what I’m going to do for reality TV entertainment. I mean, maybe you can sit through an episode of the Steven Tyler American Idol, but I certainly can’t. But then again, you’re probably a better person than I am, as evidenced by the fact that you’re not currently on the lam from a cadre of cyborg zombie ninjas.

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*Much like the cinematography of Wayne’s World 2.
**And the systematic destruction of any shred of decency that remained in Fran’s.