APPLY TO BE A WRITER FOR SHERMAN AVE!!! (Spring 2014 Remix Edition)

Hey reader. How’s it going? Well? That’s good.

Isn’t it nice that spring is here? The snow is melting; the sun is beginning to shine; and warmer, brighter, and more pleasant temperatures are on the way. In general, it is a time when everything seems better and more promising.

If you’re the kind of person who detracts from such happiness and joy, then you should apply to be a writer for Sherman Ave!

That’s right, boys and girls; we’re looking for a brand new (rotting) crop of the most atrocious, immoral, and all-around heinous scribes and scribettes that we can find. And there’s a chance that YOU could be in that crop! Isn’t that exciting? ANSWER YES IT’S EXCITING IT’S VERY EXCITING.

So how do you apply? First, download the Sherman Ave application here. (Or here. Or here.) Fill that fucker out the bestest you can, and then submit it electronically to shermanave1@gmail.com no later than 11:59 PM on Friday, April 11th. If we think you’d be a good fit, you will be invited to an individual, in-person interview. The interview will take place at some point during the day on Friday, April 18th. If we REALLY REALLY like you, you will then be selected to participate in a super-special group interview, which will take place the following day: Saturday, April 19th.

A few things to keep in mind: Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT have to be a Northwestern student to write for Sherman Ave. We love everybody in the entire world equally, and if you’re funny, we’d be psyched to have you.

Also, make sure to BE YOURSELF on your application!!!! In all seriousness, we can’t stress this enough: write in your own, personal voice. We want to hear you, and what you think is funny, not what you think a Sherman Ave writer should sound like. If you only want to make jokes about the War of 1812, then go for it. Just stay true to who YOU think you are as a writer.

Tl;dr: Apply for Sherman Ave!!! HERE’S THE LINK TO THE APPLICATION AGAIN.

Have a heinous, heinous day.

APPLY OR DIE (a friendly reminder from the good folks at Sherman Ave)

It’s no secret that there are some pretty great perks to being a Sherman Ave writer. Here are 25 of them. Apply here.

Want to know what we Googled to find this picture? Apply and find out!

1. Free Chipotle every third Wednesday of the month

2. Autographed picture of Steve Buscemi to hang on your wall

3. Custom voicemail message recorded by

APPLY TO WRITE FOR SHERMAN AVE. BECOME COOL.

We know you want it. You know you want it. So make like the true heinous you are and APPLY TO WRITE FOR SHERMAN AVE!!

Join us. Receive a new identity, your very own pseudonym–or sheudonym, if you will. Our writers enjoy a plethora of perks, everything from a social status somewhat on par with the bunnies the campus fox used to eat to exclusive membership in a secret Facebook group cryptically labeled “Sherman Ave Writers.”

Oh, and whatever ad revenue we don’t reinvest in the site, we spend on alcohol. As you can tell, we don’t invest much in the site.

So come. Be a part of something big. Something excited. Something banned in all but three Canadian provinces. All you have to do is fill out this application and send it in to us at shermanave1@gmail.com. The deadline is Midnight on Sunday, October 6th.  After we review applications, selected applicants will be invited back for an individual interview on Friday, October 11th.  After the individual interviews, selected applicants will be invited back for a group interview on Sunday, October 13th.  Some might say that our application process has too many stages; incidentally, those are the same people that can eat shit and die.

If you have any questions about the application process, shoot us an e-mail and we’ll get right back to you. Please note that you do NOT have to attend Northwestern University to write for Sherman Ave.

APPLY HERE. We’ll see you on the other side.

Sherman Ave’s Tour Guide App

Northwestern Tour Guide Applications are due tomorrow. Here’s a copy of one Sherman Ave writer’s last-second application.

7 digit student ID number : 696969!

Attach a picture of yourself to this application

1. Why do you want to be a part of the Tour Guide Community?

From an early age, I have had an insatiable desire to walk backwards while talking to high-achieving high school students and their overbearing parents.

APPLY TO WRITE FOR SHERMAN AVE. BECOME POPULAR.

Graphical representation of rushing Sherman Ave.

There is a time in every person’s life where they face a crucial crossing. Two paths, both unclear, but certain to bring different and exciting fates; two paths splitting to carry the soul to new adventures, to triumph or even to demise.

That time won’t be upon any of you right now. All of you reading this currently face only one viable option. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen of the interwebz, SHERMAN AVE IS LOOKING FOR NEW WRITERS!

10 Reasons Why You Should Apply to be a Writer for Sherman Ave

Everything the sun touches will be yours

10. You want to get involved on campus.
Sherman Ave is a great way to get involved, because… well…
…okay, there’s a reason this is number ten. But it sure is a hell of a lot better way to get involved here at Northwestern than joining a group of peppy undergrads who sing a capella covers of Yellowcard.

9. You aren’t currently a writer on Sherman Ave.
Realistically, you aren’t content with that. Join us, and we will imbue your life with meaning and satisfaction.

Ross Packingham as a child

8. The lifestyle.
Drugs, sex, and rock and roll. Except it would be more aptly described as alcohol, alcohol, and Bruce Springsteen. C’mon, all the cool kids are doing it. So is some twat named Evander Jones.

7. You love Morty.
We love Morty. Is that not enough? Just think about the man’s silky, silvery beard and how much you’d love to write articles about it.

6. Pseudonyms.
Everyone secretly yearns for a secret identity. As a writer on Sherman Ave, you’ll get the chance to not only have a secret identity, but to have a secret identity that offends at least 85% of the global population.

Warning: All new Sherman Ave writers must first pledge their undying love and allegiance to Pippa before they can start writing

5. You’re unnecessarily attracted to Pippa Middleton.
Join the club, champ.

4. It’s free.
We live in a world where nearly everything costs money – barring, of course, happiness. And while money can’t buy happiness, being a writer on Sherman Ave can bring you relative happiness from the heinousness and despair you thrust upon others. And if that’s not enough to warm the cockles of your frigid heart, just think of all the slampieces you’ll bag as a writer for this blog (unless, of course, you first have to explain to her that you are the true identity of somebody named “Sir Edward Twattingworth III”).

3. You went to Lyons Township High School.
We don’t know what it is about that place, but they manage to crank out more atrocious individuals than Octo-Mom would if she were boinking Fred Phelps.

2. You came to our informational meeting.
It was at Burger King at 1 o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. You wore a three-piece suit with a keyboard tie. We were visibly intoxicated. Don’t even try telling us you were just there for the food.

A graphical representation of the Sherman Ave community

1. The people.
Sherman Ave is an excellent group of people, who will do everything from drunkenly showing up to a house party dressed as John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe to beaning you in the cranium with freshly-picked apples. The people who aren’t us want to be us. And the people who don’t want to be us are probably from one of the following countries: Latvia, New Zealand, Iceland, Uruguay, Brazil, Kyrgyzstan, São Tomé and Príncipe, France, or Costa Rica.

Sherman Ave Needs YOU!!!!

Time to go to work

Think you have what it takes to write for the hippest motherfuckers on the web today? If so, we need people like YOU to fill out our New Writer Application, email it to shermanave1@gmail.com by March 25th, and impress us enough with your latent heinousness that we choose you to write for our vaunted publication. We can’t wait to see what ya’ll come up with.

The Sherman Ave New Writers Application can be found HERE!

Cordially,
Sherman Ave