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Tag Archives: Arrested Development

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

5 Jan
(via northwestern.edu)

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

Continue reading

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2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review

31 Dec

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events. Continue reading

Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Vote Guide: Katie Funderburg

23 Sep

In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

KATIE FUNDERBURG LOVES THE AVE.

KATIE FUNDERBURG LOVES THE AVE.

Twattingworth: Who would you say has been the biggest influence on your life in the last 15 minutes?

Funderburg: I guess I’d have to say my roommate– she’s the last person I saw before I came here. She said “have a good day,” so I hope I’m gonna have a good day because of that.

Twattingworth: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had two midterms and a paper tomorrow then an exec meeting until 9 and a dinner date he really can’t get out of?

Funderburg: Well, it’s really hard to even give a chuck about chucking wood when you have a lot of stuff to do. So I’m gonna guess he’s give no chucks at all. Continue reading

Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Roopali Kulkarni

22 Sep

In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

ROOPALI KULKARNI LOVES THE AVE.

ROOPALI KULKARNI LOVES THE AVE.

Sir Edward Twattingworth III: Would you rule the Homecoming Court like Roberts on the Supreme Court, or LeBron James on the hardwood court?

Roopali Kulkarni: Definitely LeBron, cause he has a lot of swag and I have a lot of swag.

Twattingworth: Who would you say has been the biggest influence on your life in the past 14 minutes?

Roopali: Past 14 minutes? That would probably be my really cute Chem professor. I was just in his office hours and he was explaining to me about lipids.

Twattingworth: Now when you say “really cute” do you mean like “oh my god he’s so dreamy” or like a cute little old man?

Roopali: Think like George Clooney status. Yeah, he’s a little older so it’s slightly inappropriate for me to say that, but I may or may not have written that he has beautiful eyes on an evaluation.

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Your Comprehensive and Completely Unbiased Guide to the Emmys

22 Sep
It's like the Oscars, but with slightly less Billy Crystal.

It’s like the Oscars, but with slightly less Billy Crystal.

If you’re anything like me, or any other person in a first world country, then you spend 90% of your preallocated social time binge-watching TV. Whether it’s through your roommate’s Netflix account that you’ve secretly been using for months (sorry Charleston Nippleberry), or maybe you’re one of those high rollers who can afford to pay for Comcast AND booze, you will make sure to get your daily fix.

The Emmys are like high school senior superlatives; everyone pretends they don’t matter, but they’re thrilled to tears when they get one (#MostLikelyToBeOnCopsClassOf2010). You could plop yourself down on the couch and watch the Emmys live, but let’s be real: ain’t nobody got time for that. Sunday nights are reserved for clearing the empty PBR cans from your apartment and trying to find creative ways to cover your new hickey before work the next day. So don’t bother DVRing it, you can find the condensed version of the probable outcomes below.

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Review of Game of Thrones, Season 3, Episode 9, AKA the worst thing that ever happened to me

3 Jun

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS ARTICLE.  

That being said, there will also be spoilers in the episode.  Not only spoilers of plotlines, but also spoilers of any remnant of joy you might have been able to salvage since Game of Thrones last took it from you by giving you an unobstructed view of Hodor’s dick.

Before we get into the disturbing horrors of My Big Fat Red Wedding, in which Windex would solve none of the problems at hand (unless you’re the poor bastard charged with cleaning all of the INNOCENT BLOOD FROM THE FLOOR), let’s talk about the other important characters in this episode. Continue reading

Mayfest: And That’s Why You Always Leave A Note

31 May
"We cancelled Dillo because you left the door open with the air conditioning on."

“We cancelled Dillo because you left the door open with the air conditioning on.”

EVANSTON– Mayfest announced Friday morning that the group’s 18-month delay in announcing Dillo Day’s nighttime headliner was all part of an elaborate plan to teach Northwestern students to leave a note when necessary.

“Maybe next time you guys will leave a goddamn note to let us know whether we can holler about blowjobs,” Mayfest co-chair William Timmins-Claus said. “This whole debacle? Continue reading

The Netflix Treatment: Which Other Shows Should Be Resurrected?

29 May

Arrested Development caused more of an uproar this weekend than an Apache-themed party at the Arizona capitol building, making every social media account the dumping ground for half-assed references to the banana stands and one-armed men. It’s nice to know that everyone can spoil the fun at the same time! Binge-watching is the new hip thing like moms in bell-bottom jeans or Hillary Duff’s clothing line at Kohl’s. It’s has the fun addictive properties of cocaine and the similar benefits of alienation from friends.

With Ronald Reagan out of the White House and his crack battle long over, there’s no stopping this infectious streaming disease. Plus Barry dug the shit out Continue reading

Network Television Murdered Early Sunday Morning

27 May
1920-2013

1920-2013

Los Gatos, CA – Network Television, a long-loved friend of households both in America and abroad, was violently and tragically murdered.  She was 93.

The killing is believed to have occurred around 2 AM early Sunday morning, during a party at Netflix’s five-story mansion in Los Gatos, according to Los Gatos Chief Officer Henry Hernandez.

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The Ultimate Arrested Development Drinking Game

25 May
Lol this makes up for the drones lol!!

Lol this makes up for the drones lol!!

For our generation, this is the big one. It’s the day we’ve been told we would never see, the day we never truly dared to believe in: the day that Arrested Development returns. And now, it’s the day that is upon us.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that to not celebrate the return of the Bluths would be to make a huge mistake, so we’re here to help. There are several keys to appropriately celebrating the occasion– not the least of which is attempting to host an intervention or putting up celebration banner– but the most important thing is to follow this handy little drinking game so that you 1) appreciate all the #funny jokes that Arrested has to offer and 2) git DRUNKZZI.

What you’ll need: Several beers or mixed drinks, a Netflix account, for it to be sometime after 2am CT on Sunday.

Rules: Drink anytime the game says to. You’d think Maeby we wouldn’t need this section, but you’d Shirley be surprised.

Why? Because you have a problem.

Take one drink anytime:

  • The stair car is seen or referred to
  • Gob says “C’mon!”
  • Gob tries to do a trick an allusion. Take a second sip if he is anything close to successful. Like, not if he actually is successful, just if you can kind of tell where he was going with the whole thing.
  • Steve Holt says his name
  • Lucille has a drink in her hand
  • Annyong exists
  • Anyone says “hayyyy brother”
  • The banana stand is shown or alluded to
  • Someone tries to escape from the police
  • “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
  • Jean jhorts are shown
  • Franklin appears. Two sips is Gob forgets to move Franklin’s mouth when he speaks.
  • Lucille winks
  • Buster has a juice box
  • The cornballer is shown or alluded to. Two drinks if anyone is burned by it.
  • Stan Sitwell appears on screen
  • Lindsay protests a thing
  • Anyone gets a freebie
Maeby she won't, but then again Maeby she will.

Maeby she won’t, but then again Maeby she will.

Take two drinks anytime:

  • Plain Egg Her? Ann is shown on screen
  • Cloudmir vodka is shown, advertised or alluded to
  • Look, banner!
  • Tobias is gay
  • Touching is either banned or encouraged
  • There is sexual tension between George Michael and Maeby
  • The chicken dance is done. Take a third drink if anyone is close to impersonating a chicken. Again, not if they’re successful in acting like a chicken, just if you think to yourself, “Oh, I’d imagine that at some point in the course of Earth’s history, a chicken may have done something almost similar to that.”
  • That fucking doctor is the fucking worst
  • That one cop comes in late with a club
  • Gob is forced to watch his parents have sex (Editor’s Note: we’re beginning to see why this show was cancelled.)
  • Seth Rogen
  • KRISTEN WIIG
  • A segway is used or shown
  • Anyone is on a boat
  • Tobias and Ellen’s Lover Lindsay try to make their marriage work
  • Bob Loblaw appears on screen. Take a third drink if Bob Loblaw is working on Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog.
  • Lucille doesn’t care for Gob
  • Stan Sitwell loses his wig or eyebrows or really any hair
  • BOYFIGHTS
  • Gene Parmesan surprises Lucille with a wildly convincing costume

Finish your drink anytime:

  • There is sexual contact between George Michael and Maeby.* If Pete Rose is used to illustrate such contact, find a funnel and buttchug your drink.
  • Carl Weathers appears
  • Buster is a monster
  • “Marry me!”
  • The Funkes allude to a questionable pharmaceutical
  • Ron Howard criticizes someone else’s narration

*For those confused on the definition of sexual contact, I’m sure your 8th grade Health teacher has some helpful VHS tapes for you.