Four Reasons To Shut Up About Your New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of the year again: time to make New Year’s resolutions. That special moment when you tell yourself all of the ambitious lies you’ll think about aggressively for the next week and then completely forget about by the time February comes around. With the creation of these resolutions comes one major urge: the desire to share your list with everyone you know. However, there are four very good reasons why it’s best to not share your New Year’s resolutions with anyone:

“I Only Have One Final,” Reports Dickhead

At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

EVANSTON, Ill. – In a press conference this morning, some total dickhead announced to everyone that he only has one final this quarter.

“Yeah, it’s honestly really nice,” said the absolute douchesicle.  “Everyone else is really stressed, and I’m just sitting here chilling.  I just have one final next week, and it’s only on material from weeks 9 and 10.  How’s your finals week going?”

The Anusmelon’s announcement has been met with substantial public outcry, especially among Northwestern’s virgin engineer population.  In addition to organizing a march down Sheridan Road this afternoon to show solidarity for how much they despite this piece of human dogshit, the McCormick School of Engineering has planned a candlelight vigil for this evening to honor the gruesome death of fairness.

The Six People You Drunk Dialed on Dillo

Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day…

So you survived Dillo. Congrats.

But you should check the call log on your phone once you dig it out of the lakefill mud. You blackout-called a ton of people:

1. Your mom
She was out gardening on such a nice Saturday when she got a call from her least favorite child:

“Hi honey, how is your day?”
“It’s not just a day, mom. It’s fucking DILLO DAY”
“Did you say it’s Dildo Day?”
“No mom it’s Dillo, don’t you hear Danny Brown playing?”

Your mom listened, horrified at the screeching coming through her receiver, but thankfully your bad service made Danny Brown sound somewhat tolerable.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Use Facebook for Newly Admitted College Students

She did NOT just friend every member of the Class of 2017.

So you just got accepted into your dream college, or your “best fit school,” or your safety school, or the University of Chicago – congratulations! Now that you’ve gotten past this difficult step, there’s only one thing you have to remember: Every single person from these schools’ Facebook groups is watching your every move.

Yes, once you join “___________ University’s Class of 2017” Facebook group, there will be thousands of people going through your past, current, and future Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace (yeah, they find it), and Adult FriendFinder posts and pictures. In order to help you navigate this frightening new world, Sherman Ave has compiled a list of dos and don’ts that will provide some insight into how to act in the strange world of stalking.

Disclaimer: Sherman Ave cannot legally promise that these suggestions will help.

Love a Random State: Ohio

I may be a tad bit biased, but Ohio is a pretty badass state. We fuck up pretty much every Presidential Election. We can’t make decisions on anything from street cars to abortion. We are some waffling motherfuckers, and I’m not talking about McGriddles. Besides being a political asshole, here are some other reasons you should bow down and worship my state of conception/birth/childhood.

The beautiful metropolis of Cleveland

1. Ohio is the 7th largest state by population.
Cincinnati is the 61st largest city in the nation by population.* Being mediocrely medium-sized takes all the pressure off being big. We may not have the hustle and bustle of New York or the flotsam and jetsam of Chicago, but we sure do have a lot of wide open spaces and corn. This makes for some great middle school field trips, like visiting an Amish farm and learning how to properly milk a cow or taking a spin on a tea-cup-death-trap-vomit-inducing ride while eating a stick of deep-fried butter at the local carnival.

2. Subpar athletics.
I may not be an expert when it comes to sports. I didn’t vehemently protest the NBA lockout, I do not worship Tebow born from the Virgin Mother, nor do I have any vague inkling as to what Royal Shrovetide Football is really all about. However, I do know one thing: If the Cincinnati Bengals were running in the Republican primaries, they would rank somewhere above Michelle Bachmann and somewhat below Stephen Colbert. They may suck at football and politics, but the Bengals have quite a record off the field. Since 2000, the team has a combined criminal record of 30 arrests, 8 DUIs, and 1 charge of “boating under the influence.”** I’m not really sure how this makes Ohio awesomely badass, but it does.

3. Larger than life Presidents.
We produced President William Howard Taft, the man who couldn’t fit in a normal bathtub. In fact, a bathtub fit for four men was installed in the White House just for him. I bet VP James Sherman had a pretty good time in there, seeing as he was a normal sized man. (That leaves room for three more people, for those of you who are still in Math 110).

O-hi-OH!!!!

4. Ohio is beautiful.
OK, maybe just Halle Berry is. Halle Berry was Miss Ohio 1986. At 19, Halle managed to lock down a state title and first runner-up for the Miss USA pageant. Pretty badass, Ms. Berry.

5. Badass motherfuckers in office.
Jerry Springer, host of The Jerry Springer Show, served on Cincinnati’s city council for three years, before resigning when Jerry’s favorite hang-out was revealed: a Kentucky “massage parlor.”*** But it only gets better: he paid his “masseuse” with a city check. It doesn’t get much classier than that. He was then elected the mayor of Cincinnati from 1977-1978. We obviously know how to choose effective leaders.

6. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.****
Need I say more?

7. Where art thou, Ohio?
There actually aren’t many NU students from Ohio. There should certainly be more Amish, chili-loving, politically frustrated, Midwesterners up in Northwestern’s business. However, this makes for some great feedback. Apparently, Californians have no fucking clue where Ohio is. My roommate thought it was near Iowa and her friend could swear she thought it was south of Illinois. I guess they don’t teach Geography in the Bay Area. As a loyal Ohioan and a college student with half my brain still intact despite raging alcoholism and mind numbing, drug-induced Sporcle competitions, I know exactly where Ohio is: right between New Mexico and Arizona. Right?

8. Home of Skyline Chili.
Although none of you Northside Prep trust-fund babies or LTHS fanboys have heard of Skyline, enlighten yourselves. Cincinnati’s definition of chili: chocolate (yes, chocolate) ground beef soup poured over spaghetti noodles and topped with neon yellow, synthesized, shredded cheddar cheese. Mouth-o-meter: fucking delicious.

9. Hipsterz.
Searching for the inner-sanctum of hipsterism? Look no further. Clifton, a small neighborhood on the outskirts of downtown Cincinnati, is a hub of culture and excitement. 98% of Clifton residents are Democrat, making us some badass, Obama loving hippies. 98% of us also love Indian food. Why? There are 7 locally owned Indian restaurants in Clifton. Step outside my house and take a good whiff of Saag Paneer and Chicken Curry. Yum. You can always find a homeless town troubadour belting out his love life with the aid of his trusty accordion. Besides musicians, we are also home to many other badass personalities, such as the mysterious bag man who, although he appears to be homeless, goes to the grocery store every day and picks up 3 lemons, a loaf of bread, and a bag of kitty litter. Meth lab, anyone? There is also the penguin man who yells at cars going over 25, the local business owners who all seem to be tangled in a Romeo and Juliet-esque love affair, and my personal favorite, the middle school drug dealers who hang out at the shelter in Burnet Woods after school. (Whoops, did I just blow your cover?)

Take a trip back in time

10. We have one of the largest Amish populations in the country.
Amish people are badass. Love the Amish, and eat their chicken; it’s free-range!

Needless to say, Ohio is a badass state. If this article has convinced you to pack up your Illinois life (or wherever the fuck you’re from) and move to Ohio, call my step dad. He’s a realtor.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Sporcle. Yeah, I did it. I used Sporcle as a source. Try to censor that, PIPA.
**NKY Sports World
***Massage parlor = brothel
****Twitter

5 Reasons Why We Hate the Republican Primaries

An even larger collection of pricks than the one on display each morning at Norbucks

There’s no two ways about it: the Republican Primaries suck. Every time I see coverage of the primaries on television, I’m blinded by a white rage brighter than, well, the skin of the Republican candidates. If you share this anger and don’t know why, allow me to try to explain some possible reasons for your fury:

5. The Jokes
Want to know what’s not funny? Republicans. Want to know what’s worse than not funny Republicans? Not funny Republicans making stupid jokes. I swear, every time one of them gets on a roll, they decide it’s time for their own little one man show. It might be some little quip like, “I haven’t seen numbers that low since statistics on Romney’s job creation as governor.” Or it may be some drawn out criticism of how big-headed Newt Gingrich is while the candidate resists the urge to just call him a fat fuck. We all know the only thing the Republican candidates find funny is discrimination and poverty, so why don’t they just stop with the jokes and spend a few more seconds shutting the fuck up?

There goes your chances of reenacting "My Date With the President's Daughter"

4. Jon Huntsman Doesn’t Stand a Chance
Honestly, there is no such thing as a good Republican candidate for president right now, but Jon Huntsman is the closest thing to it this year — and he’s just getting shit on. I get it: Republicans decided, in a nation trying to progress in policies and beliefs, to select the dumbest, most backwards-thinking assholes they could to run for president this year. But really? I mean, really??? The one guy who isn’t a complete fuck-up is just getting destroyed out there while being mercilessly driven to the right. And have you even seen his daughters?

3. Rick Perry is Still Speaking
What the fuck? I understand free speech is an important value in America, but can someone please just make this guy disappear or something? I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I think it would be a really cool idea if people who are just intolerant wastes of space and air didn’t get to speak to a nationally-televised audience. Maybe I’m wrong… No. I’m not. I’m not sure of many things, but I am sure Rick Perry is not fit to speak about becoming president of the United States unless we’ve gone back in time to the 1800’s.

Gingrich is one of the few men who are probably even worse than Tebow at throwing a football 20 yards

2. We’re Forced to Hear about States That Don’t Mean Anything
Let’s be real honest here, since when does anyone give a fuck about Iowa or New Hampshire? Last time I heard, never. Even the people who live in those states realize they don’t mean anything to anyone anywhere. So why are a bunch of taint-stains on Fox News acting like I should care about those insignificant little places? The only thing that matters less than those states is the Republican Primaries, so why do I have to endure hours of those two things being combined? Next someone’s going to tell me I should care about football teams not controlled by God. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I don’t give a shit if the 49er’s do have a great run defense, until Jesus shows up on the field in the form of a stiff arm allowing an 80 yard touchdown in OT, I just don’t care. In fact, I might actually care about the Republican primaries if there was a little more Tebow. But there isn’t, so I don’t.

1.  It’s Just Wasting Time that Could Be Spent Listening to Obama’s Plans for His Second Term
There’s no way in Hell any Republican could win in the general election, so why waste time listening to a bunch of old, white assholes harp about the plight of the struggling upper-class business owner? How about we just tell Obama he won the election, allow him to transform this country for the better, and enjoy our lives? Maybe if we spent more time allowing people with good ideas to help the country and less time dicking around discussing which rich white guy is more unfit to run the country, we might, I don’t know, do something good for the first time in a long ass time. It’s just an idea.

On Columbus Day

Columbus valiantly raping native lands so future government employees could get a sweet three day weekend

You know that feeling you get when you wake up on Christmas morning? Or, for Jewish readers, that feeling you get when you wake up on Tax Day? Well, when my alarm went off at 10 this morning, I woke up with a very similar feeling. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and – most importantly – it was Columbus Day!

First celebrated in the superlative state of Colorado in 1906, Columbus Day is the quintessential American holiday. While Christmas has too many European influences to be American, Halloween’s partnership with obesity makes it too specific to the Deep South, and the 4th of July is too close to Canada Day to be truly American, Columbus Day stands for all the true American values: land-snatching, tribe-subjugating, civilization-founding, and boats. It would be preposterous for our nation not to wholly dedicate this day to the recognition of our nation’s pure and righteous heritage. And yet – somehow, Northwestern University neglected to cancel classes today.

How can we honor the man when we can't even blow up an inflatable Charlie Brown to the size of Columbus' ego?

There are two reasonable conclusions to draw from this abominable crime. First, one could presume that Northwestern University lacks a fundamental respect for American culture and history. However, there is nearly limitless evidence disproving this theory – the least of which being a timeless photograph of heavily intoxicated Northwestern students reenacting the iconic “Crossing the Delaware” painting in a rural barn.

Therefore, the only plausible conclusion left is that Northwestern – and many other institutions that don’t fully recognize this sacred day (*cough* SOUTH DAKOTA *cough*) – fears that a grandiose celebration of Columbus Day might “offend” people like “Native Americans.” My response to this? Don’t let the myth of “political correctness” get in the way of celebrating our nation’s manifest destiny. We can just solve things the easy way: If the “indigenous” peoples are offended by our holidays, just offer them some basic incentives. Perhaps they would go for a summer home in Oklahoma? If that’s not enough, we could throw in paid travel expenses to seal the deal.

The man sure as fuck didn't spark genocide and imperialism for this "no school" shit.

In retaliation to this unspeakable trend of political correctness, I encourage all readers to act in the most Columbian way possible. Spread your syphilis to as much of your community as you can. Paint “Santa Maria” on the side of your car and trespass on every property you see. Govern the Dominican Republic. Some may call you irrational and most will just call you an asshole, but I will call you a patriot and a role model.

Revelations from the News of the World wiretaps

Don't let the jowels deceive you: This man is as evil as he is shrewd

As if the world needed further proof of Ruport Murdoch’s penchant for pure evil, the Master of Misinformation has recently become embroiled in a scandal of heinous proportions. Allegations are swirling that Murdoch’s best-selling tabloid, the News of the World, has widely engaged in illegal phone hacking over the years in order to intercept the voicemails of numerous public figures, including victims of terrorism and murder. Not that we ever held the “News of the Screws” to particularly high ethical levels, but it seems that most Brits expected the tabloid to have developed a slightly higher morality than Nixon. But now, thanks to our shady underworld connections, we have uncovered and poured over the secret trove of the results of nearly 168 years of wiretapping conducted by the News of the World, and are now prepared to share their revelations with the rest of the world:

-Thanks to a loophole in Parliamentary Procedure, Hugh Grant accidentally served as acting Prime Minister for three days in 2008 while Gordon Brown was out sick with the flu.

-Sean Connery cries at the end of Love Actually every time.

-Queen Victoria suffered from a severe schoolgirl crush on Jefferson Davis during his tenure as President of the Confederate States of America.

-John Lennon’s favorite past time during recording sessions was to prank call Scotland Yard and repeatedly ask to speak to “Mike Rotch.”

-Christopher Nolan cannot get to sleep at night without masturbating to at least one of his own movies.

-David Cameron never returns Nick Clegg’s phone calls.

-Gilbert and Sullivan’s comic opera H.M.S. Pinafore was originally conceived as a rock opera chronicling W.S. Gilbert’s forays into England’s Victorian-era sexual underground.

-It took King George VI nearly four months to learn how to correctly say, “Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?”

-The England National Football Team is never as good as the expectations.

-Prime Minister John Major secretly thought that Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge was a pompous jackass.

-Oasis vocalist Liam Gallagher totally hooked up with Princess Di in the loo of at least 3 different Manchester clubs. Gallagher would later regret breaking their tryst off because it was making him an “emotional wreck.”

-Oscar Wilde spent 97% of his time rehearsing witticisms to drop while mingling in high society.

-Margaret Thatcher’s eyes emit a powerful laser, hot enough to burn a socialist alive in .67 seconds, and bring the Falkland Islands to their knees.

-Harry Potter is still awaiting trial regarding his vigilante form of justice.

-Helena Bonham Carter and husband Tim Burton engage in the strangest sex known to man.

-David Beckham is rumored to play for a soccer club known to some as the “LA Galaxy,” a supposed American professional soccer club and member of the mythical and shadowy organization dubbed the “MLS.”

-Elizabeth II was extraordinarily disappointed when Prince William decided to marry Kate Middleton, citing reports that Pippa Middleton is clearly the hotter of the two.

-Rupurt Murdoch is still a tremendous asshole.