Tag Archives: assholes

Happy Chick-Fil-A Day: 3 Things that are Actually Destroying the Sanctity of Marriage in America

1 Aug

Hmmmmm……..

Happy Chick-Fil-A day!

First, I’m going to point out that bitching about how someone’s interpretation of the Bible is wrong isn’t going to change their beliefs. Then I’m going to bitch about anti-gay crusaders’ interpretation of the Bible.

“The sanctity of marriage,” according to my translation of some people’s opinion, is a statement that presumably means that marriage is a Rull Special Thang. By letting just anyone marry, it’s not Rull Special anymore. Okay, got it. But the strategy so far (convert every LGBTQ in America by invalidating their feelings and telling them that they’re aberrations?) hasn’t really worked. If we’re gonna go down the road of preserve-marriage-by-making-it-only-available-to-some, we should bar a few others as well. Or just assassinate them, cause I’d be down with that.

1. Bruno Mars
Finish this sentence:

“It’s a beautiful night. We’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I want to __.”

Get Northwasted with ShermanAviators and attempt to pee on every building on campus while singing an impromptu a capella Katy Perry/Adele mashup? No, I’m sure you’re aware that that’s Ross Packingham’s sole purpose in life. Host a Winnie the Pooh-themed squaredance and kidnap someone’s mom because you want an even number to play Flipcup? No, that doesn’t rhyme. Beat the shit out of a homeless dude? Apparently at least three assholes who need to die painfully are into that, but the author and vessel of these words has a much more sinister plot.  Bruno Mars, who according to a recent poll has swiped the v-cards of 35% of teenage girls during their algebra daydreams,* wants to marry you.

…the fuck??

Look, B-mizzle, your name and your voice sound like they belong to a small ugly dog or a European pseudo-manslut. I’m sick of hearing your song about a completely uneventful day. And the assholes in this world who are offended by two people enjoying one anothers’ penises should really just calm the fuck down and be offended by Bruno Mars instead. This Motherfucker is partaking in the drink of the devil and clearly hasn’t asked her father’s permission. I’d mention that love isn’t exactly a central theme of the song, but the sacred kinds of marriage are apparently built on sanctity and not love, or no one would GAF.

Hell, at least Train was going to wait until he got the nerve to say hello in that café.

Hello Cleaveland!!!

2. Kim Kardashian
I wish that, for every small child that was given a homophobic protest sign by a Bigoted Motherfucker, another small child would be given a sign that said, “For the love of whatever God you believe in, stop media coverage of this woman.” While I congratulate her on having an admirable pair of boobies, only a woman desperate for companionship would marry someone who has the word “hump” in his name. She has also casually tossed the idea around of marrying her current beau, and I am convinced that living with Kanye West would be almost as bad as reading Ross Packingham’s Facebook powertrips.

Look, let’s all just agree that the Kardashian family is a few hookers short of a brothel and one letter short of a really fucked-up set of initials. Now who wants to take bets on when the number of how many weddings she’s had will exceed her bust measurement?

3. Anyone in Las Vegas
Enough said.

 

I will conclude this pathetic rant with the semi-relevant words of Commandant Leo Sextoi: “Bitches be too pretentious and uptight.”

 

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is heinous. The other is as though everything is heinous.” – Albert Einstein

 

——————————————————————————————————————————
*second only to Justin Bieber, who regularly performs cunnilingus on young women while they avoid focusing on whatever the fuck their stupid English teacher is saying.

Horses are Dicks

18 Apr

Until campus Jesus lovers started exhibiting their support for a McCormick Senior, the ASG elections were the biggest event on campus. Candidates’ names were bandied about, sidewalks were chalked, and some people got really self-righteous about whether or not I should vote.

I voted for Batman, so I guess it turns out I shouldn’t.

I’m afraid to say that I simply couldn’t muster the will to care about the elections. Sure, expression and campus-wide improvements are important, but none of the candidates touched on the issue I really care about: Horses.

Way to mess up the photo, fuckface

That’s right. Horses. Specifically how much I fucking hate horses. I want a politician who can step up and do something about this equine menace, and since it doesn’t look like anyone else is going to do it, the burden falls to me. I am taking this moment to formally announce my candidacy for next year’s ASG presidential election.

My platform is simple, fuck horses. Now, I’m sure a lot of you out there are thinking, “Sad Bones, this is crazy, why do you hate horses so much?” A valid question, hypothetical reader. Let me break it down for you.

1. Horses are Lazy
Did you know that horses have four legs? That’s twice as many legs as people have. And yet, horses make up 0% of the United States’ GDP. Talk about a waste of legs, am I right? Horses are lazy assholes. Which brings me to my second point.

2. Horses are Assholes
Did you know that the Mongol Horde couldn’t have existed without horses? It’s true. Ghenghis Khan would have stopped his terrifying death march a few weeks in because his legs would be “tired as shit.” Wow horses, way to enable atrocities. You guys are dicks.

And did you know that horses kill more people per year than any other thing on Earth?  It’s true, according to the lie I just told.  But horses aren’t content with simple murder; they’ll stoop to even more subtle levels of fuckery.  When I was a kid I tried to ride a horse once. I fell off its back and the asshole just kept trotting along, like I wasn’t even there.  On a personal note, if you’re out there reading this Chestnut, I hate you and every time I use glue I hope it’s you.

Nice job, genius

3. Horses are stupid and take our jobs
Pound-for-Pound, horses are some of the worst students in the United States. They have the lowest standardized test scores of any demographic group outside of Arizona. Yet due to powerful pro-equine lobbyists (thanks OBAMA) millions of equally qualified human haulers and laborers will be put out of work by horses this year. Horses take our jobs, then don’t even pay taxes. There are currently 5.3 million horses living in the United States. Also the economy is bad. Coincidence? Probably. But still, fuck horses.

4. Horses are fat, and shit everywhere
An average horse weighs between 900 and 1100 pounds. Jesus, talk about letting themselves go. I wouldn’t hang out with a person who weighed that much, mostly because I’d be afraid they’d roll over and crush me.

Additionally, horses shit everywhere. Now, when I shit everywhere, it’s a problem and things like “the police” and “the law” and “charges for public indecency” get involved. But when horses do it, it’s no problem. I don’t know why. Horses poop way more than I do. If anything, horses should get a way stricter punishment for shitting in random places than people receive. I guess its just another way horses have subverted our legal systems.

5. Horses think they’re people
Horses live in stables, which are like special houses for horses, and they wear shoes. Next thing we know horses are going to be getting married and serving in the military (an especially likely outcome, with Blockbuster propaganda like Warhorse). We let this spiral out of control and we’ll have horses raising our kids, and fucking our wives (something our wives will allow, since by definition their equine-paramours will be hung like horses). We can’t allow horses to be put on the same plane, much less bed, as people.

“Dave, I’m leaving you for Chestnut. We’re running away together. You can run after us, but you’ll never catch us, because Chestnut is a goddamn horse.”

Listen, I could literally talk to you all day about the reasons why horses are terrible. Like the fact that their kids are called foals, which kind of sounds like “foul,” which is apt, because that’s exactly what they are. Or I could talk about how horses are racist. Huge fucking racists. When was the last time you saw a black person on a horse? Like never. You think that’s an accident? Fuck no. Horses just hate black people. That’s classic horses.

So we’ve established that horses are terrible. We’ve established that they’re a threat to our very way of life, and we’ve established that I’m a candidate who won’t stand for horse’s horseshit. Will I provide more outdoor lighting for the school? Hell no. Will I decrease safe ride wait times? No. Will I make sure that horses stay the hell out of Northwestern and encourage the University to use as much glue as possible? Yes. That much I can do.

So remember next election day, a vote for me is a vote against horses. And a vote against horses is a vote for a better tomorrow.