Considering our Options for the ASG 10k Initiative

Our suggestion from last year, which has yet to be passed by President Ani “The Punisher” Ajith.

What would you do with 10,000 dollars? Associated Student Government, as you may know, asks the entire student body this question every year. ASG then applies this sum toward the best answer. I spoke with several members of the Northwestern community regarding their opinion on the matter.

Cameron Jibril Thomas, Ph. D., Psychologist, CAPS: In light of Northwestern’s mental health epidemic, CAPS has responded with different services – clinical services, workshops, etc. – but there is a more effective and far-reaching option. $10,000 could buy 10 pounds of weed and go a long way to improving mental health on campus.

7 Other Positions ASG Failed to Confirm

One Northwestern. One Shitshow.

In the wake of a heated Associated Student Government Senate meeting last Wednesday night, ASG President Ani Ajith is scrambling to fill numerous vacancies for cabinet positions left unconfirmed following the acrimonious session. While ASG‘s failure to confirm the chief of staff, vice president for public relations and associate vice president for diversity and inclusion positions for political, racial, and fecal reasons received wide coverage, the following seven essential positions also remain unconfirmed.

1. Smash Mouth’s slot at Dillo Day
Despite widespread support for the 1990s pop-rock band’s appointment to Dillo Day‘s traditional “Bands-You-Listened-To-In-Middle-School-Nostalgic-Daytime Slot,” the selection committee’s nomination was blocked by senate vote following a contentious floor debate. Bobb senator Biff Pemberton expressed concern with the band’s rumored appointment, claiming that the band “just wasn’t experienced enough” for the responsibility of performing for thousands of drunken college kids. Pemberton went on to filibuster the proceedings, playing Smash Mouth’s 2005 Christmas album Gift of Rock on repeat for eight-hours nonstop.

Freshman Cites “Delicious Eclairs” In Voting For Benison

It’s only phallic if you make it phallic. Or if the caption includes the word “phallic.”

EVANSTON– Freshman Andrea Mathers said Tuesday she was excited to vote for Benison Choi for ASG president because she believes he will bring the kind of “whipped cream frosting this campus so desperately needs.”

She also insisted that Benison is uniquely qualified for the position because of the experience he brings to the table, particularly as the campus pushes for more diversity.

“I mean, Benison has like 20 different flavors of everything,” Mathers said. “And then there’s pies and cakes and cookies and pastries. It’s seriously the most diverse thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

5 Planks That Didn’t Make It In Aaron and Henry’s Platform

As many of you know, Aaron and Henry’s campaign chose to build their platform by accepting submissions from the student body.  Sadly, Sherman Ave has neither the initiative nor the fuck-giving to actually make submissions to this platform.  So instead, we’re providing you with a list of what we assume were the five best platform issues that Aaron and Henry didn’t integrate into their campaign.

Orrrrr…. stress relief Pitbull!

1.  Stress relief pit bulls

Okay, so we all remember how that whole “stress relief puppy” thing happened last quarter, and everyone was flipping dicks because ERMAHGERD PERPERSSSS (clarification: that translates to “Oh my god, puppies!” and not “Oh my god, porpoise!”)  But what about pit bulls?  They’re really cute and adorable, but they have the added benefit of maybe attacking you and making you ineligible to take your finals.  Why use the “dog ate my homework” excuse when you can use the “pit bull devoured my clavicle” one?

Ani and Alex Tout Endorsement of Stepdaughter of 1978 ASG Senator

EVANSTON– ASG President and Executive Vice Presidential candidates Ani Ajith and Alex Van Atta announced at a Monday press conference that their ticket had secured the endorsement of the stepdaughter a 1970’s ASG senator.

“When am I getting my guac?” – Samuelson

“We are humbled and honored to receive the support of Claire Samuelson, whose stepfather Daniel Chalmers once represented Allison Hall in the ASG Senate,” Ajith said as his eyes welled up. “It’s just very… it means a lot.”

Ajith stressed that Samuelson’s “friendly” relationship with Chalmers, whom she calls “Dan,” gives her a strong knowledge of how ASG works.

David and Jo Spotted Harassing Anyone Buying Chips and Guac at Frontera

“Put the goddamn guacamole down and hand over the seed money.”

EVANSTON– ASG Presidential and Executive Vice Presidential candidates David Harris and Jo Lee were seen in Norris on Monday, interrogating any students who purchased chips and guacamole from Frontera Fresco.

“So, have you always hated B-status student groups?” Harris asked  one terrified freshman. “Or did you just decide that today was a nice day to tell new groups to go fuck themselves?”

Multiple students fled the lower level of Norris, Frontera in hand and tears in their eyes, as Harris yelled various insults at them.

ASG Candidate Tells Inuit Sign Language Club They’re His “Top Priority”

Anderson was scheduled to attend Engineers for Improved Access to Dental Hygiene in Senegal’s meeting later in the evening.

EVANSTON– Associated Student Government Presidential candidate Ben Anderson told the Specialized Inuit Sign Language Club of NU on Thursday that the group would be his “number one focus” if he is elected.

“On day one, the question I’ll be working on is: ‘How can I make things better for the Inuit Sign Language Club?'” Anderson proclaimed at the group’s monthly meeting. “That’s my top priority. That’s my North Star.”

ASG Concerned About What Students Want for First Time in 12 Months

The three circles represent interlocking constituencies of ineffectiveness.

EVANSTON–In a surprising turn of events, the Northwestern Associated Student Government–the same organization who brought you great ideas like the “Let’s Get A Willie the Wildcat Statue” Initiative and the “Hey Guys, Remember That One Time We Actually Did Something?” campaign–has now developed a sense of concern and regard for the opinions of the Northwestern student body.

This roundabout represents a quick change in heart for ASG which, as recently as several weeks ago, told the Northwestern student body that only five-thousand dollars of the 10K initiative could go towards projects the students cared about because “Nobody cares about you! That’s why.”

5 Ways Northwestern Could Spend Ten Thousand Dollars

Vodka fountains. Think about it.

Last week, the Northwestern Associated Student Government released its four options for the possible recipients of the 10K Initiative funds. The information was met with one over-whelming response: ASG is allowed to do actual things? I thought they were just people who were really enthusiastic about writing their names in chalk across campus. And honestly, we here at Sherman Ave feel that buying ten-thousand dollars worth of chalk would have been a better investment of their money. However, instead of criticizing ASG, we thought it best to propose some other ways the 10K Initiative Funds could be spent.

Here are the top five ideas our staff came up with:

1. Helping the Keg Renew Its Lease
As all of you have probably heard, the City of Evanston and the anti-fun police have declared that they will be closing one of Northwestern’s top facilities: The Keg of Evanston. However, there is one thing that could change their minds: ten thousand dollars. While we understand the Keg’s lease is likely expensive due to the fact that it must own enough property to accommodate one quarter of the Evanston Township High School student body on a daily basis, we believe ten thousand dollars would be sufficient to keep the institution running until Mayor Tisdahl is called back to service at the nunnery.

Fiske: Evanston “Too Bright” At Night

Fiske, shortly before joining Mayor Tisdahl to toss confiscated Smirnoff Ice into the Skokie River

EVANSTON — First Ward Alderman Judy Fiske released a statement earlier this morning claiming that the streets of Evanston adjacent to Northwestern University’s campus are just “way too bright at night.”

The statement, which was released by Alderman Fiske from the desk of her retail pet supply store Fit + Frisky! just prior to Fiske phoning the police to report a pair of undergraduates exiting EV1 and sneaking a case of High Life into a backpack, lambasted the Associated Student Government’s recent effort to increase off-campus lighting.