The NU Moped: An Unlikely Steed with an Unlikely Steez

I had a friend in high school whose dad owned a moped. It had an aqua blue finish with honey brown leather on the seats that begged you to climb up and take it for a spin. It didn’t see much use, which added to the luster of the beast. And it didn’t see much use because, well, it was a moped. It doesn’t matter how thrilling it is to zoom down side streets with the wind in your face – for whatever reason, it’s not a motorcycle; it’s just an open invitation for your friends to shit all over you. Which we did. Because mopeds are for pussies. According to Internet, “they’re fun to ride until your friends find out,” just like tilt-a-whirls and tandem bikes. Urban Dictionary attached the term to the guy or girl you hook up with and hope to god no one finds out about. And of course Urban Dictionary’s shithead cousin Yahoo answers tried their best to take the ball and run with it saying, “fat chicks are like scooters…but they make stranger sounds.” Oof.

This is one of the images that comes up when you search “cool moped.” (via lacey-washington.olx.com)

I don’t want to hate mopeds, in fact I’d love to love them. But I never thought

Rose Returns, D Rises

Rose, addressing concerns regarding his performance anxiety.

CHICAGO–After nearly 15 months of intense rehabilitation and sitting on the sidelines, Derrick Rose has made his return to the NBA. Despite a lukewarm 4-for-15 12-point performance last night against the defending champion Miami Heat, the Chicago Bull’s most beloved athlete looks better than ever after leading the Bulls to an undefeated 8-0 record in the preseason.

The Evolution of the Group Project

Group projects before college > group projects at college. Here’s why:

You used to be somebody.

Elementary School:

Your 4^th grade teacher just assigned you to make a poster about the rainforest. In a group. Could life get any better than this?! THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST PROJECT EVER WE HAVE TO GO BUY RUBBER CEMENT AND GLITTER RIGHT NOW!!!!!! You obviously all gathered at the swankiest group member’s house (AKA the one who had the World Wide Web) with the coolest mom who provided the best snacks. Bagel Bites and Dunkaroos were on the menu and Destiny’s Child blasted on the stereo. You laughed, ran with scissors, threw glitter at each other, and spilled Capri Sun on the carpet. Then you got down to business and used the house’s top-of-the-line laser printer to decorate your kickass poster with colorful birds, lush green forests, and crazy looking anteaters. You came away from the day with a ton of new inside jokes like “Team Brainforest!” and “be the Amazon!” that you would shout at each other in the hallways for the next six months…or six years. AND THE YOU MADE A PACT TO BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER AND IT WAS THE GREATEST AND YOU GOT A THOUSAND GOLD STARS!!!

Miley Cyrus Mad Libs

Miley Cyrus has declared the act of intercourse to be “a beautiful and magical thing.

Horny in the U.S.A.

…just in CASE you were wondering whether she was still striking terror in the hearts of parents of horny tweens across the country. Or if you were wondering whether sex is indeed a beautiful thing.

Anyways, let us collectively wish an unplanned pregnancy upon this classless strumpet (it seems like the only thing that might actually remove her from Hollywood) with a set of Mad Libs. Simply answer the questions below and fill in the blank spaces as commanded – no cheating!

1. toy
2. your “type” (e.g., athletes, pre-meds, gingers)
3. your favorite sexual position
4. how do you feel after 2 weeks without any sexual activity?
5. how do you like your breakfast in the morning? (adjective)
6. your porn star alias
7. on top or on bottom?
8. #1 person you’d bang if you could
9. verb
10. location
11. interjection
12. the title of your favorite porn movie
13. interjection
14. method of communication
15. depraved sex act (urbandictionary style)
16. noun
17. unclean adjective
18. toy
19. genitalia
20. #2 person you’d bang if you could
21. verb
22. location

Send yours to me at eleanorkinkervoss@u.northwestern.edu, and if your Mad Lib turned out as attention-seeking and degenerate as Ms. Cyrus herself, we just might publish it.

Pole dancing at the Keg can get pretty rough.

BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

Oh yeah
Come on

You get the [1] out front, ooh-a-ooh
Hot [2], every [3], every color
Yeah when you’re [4] it can be kinda fun
it’s really [5] but no one ever discovers

In some ways you’re just like all your friends
But on stage you’re [6]

You get [7] of [8]
Chillin’ out, take it slow
Then you [9] out the [10]
You get [7] of [8] and you
Mix it all together and you know that
it’s [7] of [8],
The [7] of [8], ([11])

You go the [12] premiers
Hear your [13] on the [14]
[15]ing two [16] is a little weird
But school’s cool cuz nobody knows

Yeah you get to be a [17] girl
But big time when you play your [18]

You get the [19] of [20]
Chillin’ out take it slow
Then you [21] out the [22]

You get the [19] of [20] and you
Mix it all together and you know that
it’s the [19]
You get the [19] of [20].