Tag Archives: athletic culture

#GetFuckedPennState

5 Oct

The battle of the fictional feline football foes.

When Penn State gets fucked by the Northwestern Wildcats tomorrow afternoon, prepare for the biggest scandal in Happy Valley to break out since…

Um…

Since the 2008 revelation that 46 Penn State football players had faced 163 criminal charges since 2002.

Yeah, let’s go with that — the shocking revelation of systematic abuse by people of authority that was CLEARLY the worst scandal to rock the athletic culture of the Nittany Lions.

Prepare for a 4,000-strong student riot to run amok through the streets of State College, protesting what will be the worst shock to Penn State’s national brand since 6 Lions football players broke into an apartment and beat several students. Because when Kain Colter and Venric Mark absolutely fondle Penn State’s defense, it could be the worst black mark on the University’s football program since JoePa’s intemperate remarks about sexual assault.

Yes, Penn State, it seems that Northwestern has picked up the banner of “Success with Honor” you left sullied on the ground. Get ready to experience the full brunt of shame from losing to a school that maintains integrity at both the University and within its athletic programs. The smell of defeat is going to be so bad you’ll need to shower it off.

Penn State, we find you guilty on 45 of 48 counts of sucking.

Now we’re not just horsing around here. We’re going to beat you so bad we’ll make Bill O’Brien blush redder than Mike McQuery’s hair. Speaking of Mike, whatever happened to that guy? Haven’t seen him around recently.

Sidebar: What the fuck is a Nittany Lion? And why does it look like Arthur the Aardvark’s drug addled cousin? Who designed the mascot costume? A fourth grade — you know what, never mind.

Prepare for Chi Chi Ariguzo and the rest of the Wildcat’s front seven to show a total disregard for the safety and welfare of tomorrow’s gridiron victims, which will only empower our defense to continue its systematic abuse of Matt McGloin at Beaver Stadium.

Hehehehe. Beaver.

According to the history books, Northwestern is an astounding 10-0 against Penn State dating back to 1998. So suck on that. Although we are a bit surprised that our incessant fucking of the Nittany Lions hasn’t yet led to Penn State’s establishment of an athletic culture and daily mindset in which football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.

Nevertheless, you still could have put a memento commemorating all that Coach Paterno did for your football program outside of the stadium. I don’t know, maybe a statue or something. That’s cold man. Just cold.

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Vanderbilt Maintains Controversial “Baby Seal Clubbing” Program

6 Sep

NASHVILLE — In the face of a turbulent controversy that is enveloping the school, Vanderbilt University has affirmed its commitment to the football program’s divisive “Baby Seal Clubbing” program.

A baby seal struggles in vain to escape from Jordan Matthews.

“Brutally pummeling adorable marine mammals is a proud tradition of our University’s vaunted football heritage,” read University Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos from a prepared statement, delivered at the steps of Kirkland Hall littered with bruised and beaten pinnipeds. “The physical and psychological abuse of these darling baby seals has been, and forever will be, an essential tenet at the core of what Vandy football is all about.”

Chancellor Zeppos’ comments arrived a day after a massive popular uprising against the program’s senseless and cruel beatings brought national attention to the Vanderbilt Commodore’s systematic perpetuation of violence against defenseless seal pups.

Vandy’s heinous acts have been condemned by a growing grassroots movement, coupled with support from celebrities like Michael Vick, the Dalai Lama, and Seal. The Democratic National Convention even kicked things off Thursday with a 5-minute montage of Senator Ted Kennedy’s speeches denouncing the practice of baby seal clubbing.

Although Vanderbilt head football coach James Franklin admitted, “Our football program has repeatedly abused scores of heartbreakingly cute baby seals to achieve excruciatingly limited success throughout our storied 124-381 all-time record in conference play,” the coach also cited scientific research concluding that, “If it’s a legitimate clubbing, the baby seal body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

The coach then promptly dropped a 500-pound golden anchor on a still-writhing seal pup, jubilantly shouting “Anchor Down, motherfuckers!” as he walked away.

Coach Franklin celebrating Club a Baby Seal Day

Executive Committee Chair of the NCAA, Ed Ray, opened his investigation into the matter this morning. “Personally, I am horrified by the actions of the Vanderbilt University Football Program and its reckless and callous disregard of these freaking delightful baby seals. It has become obvious that the leadership failures at Vanderbilt over an extended period of time directly violated NCAA bylaws relating to integrity, ethical conduct, and the clubbing of baby seals,” said Mr. Ray.

“After considering all possible measures to address Vanderbilt’s reprehensible baby seal clubbing and ensure that the University rebuilds an athletic culture that went horribly awry,” continued Ray, “We finally realized that there was no possible means with which we could punish Commodore football in a way that would make them suck any more than they do now. Watching them get mercilessly rolled by Northwestern this Saturday seemed fitting enough.”

Reactions on Vanderbilt’s campus have been muted so far, although to be fair it’s hard to hear anything on campus beyond Toby Keith and self-delusion.

CLICK HERE to sign the petition to end the Vanderbilt University Football Program’s clubbing of baby seals.