Imaginary Conversation with Cute Girl in Front Row Going Great

The girl in question, from your point-of-view. (via mwestsite.wordpress.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – According to multiple sources within your consciousness, the conversation you are currently imagining with that cute girl in the front row of your Econ 202 class is going really well, and you are coming off as uncharacteristically charming and witty. Throughout this hypothetical exchange, the female with approachable, sort of “girl next door” good looks is laughing at all of your jokes—as they are being delivered with impeccable comedic timing—and understands all of the obscure pop culture references. She has even probably watched and can quote lines from the entire Monty Python TV series, much to your pretend surprise.

The “down-to-earth” personality that you have invented for this girl—based largely off the fact that she is wearing Converses and has a Bon Iver sticker on her laptop—seems to be

How to Avoid the In-Class Creeper

Want to come back to my place and finish our discussion on Freudian Theory?

Recently, I was at a party with my gals dancing the night away, celebrating being done with yet another quarter of my godforsaken Spanish class, when a sweaty guy from my class came up to me and started a conversation. It went as so:

Boy: Ammonia$ta?! [puts an arm around my shoulder and drunkenly leans on me] Totally didn’t recognize you! You’re like, actually attractive!

A$: Uh…thanks?

Boy: Yeah like…how come you don’t come to class looking like this? Totally would have hit on you.

A$: Oh uh… [trying to get out from under his arm without making him fall over] I’m just lazy I guess.”

Boy: [Laughs because he thinks I was joking and walks away]

5 Profile Poses That Are Worse Than The Music of Creed

I guess it could be worse.

Here at the Ave, we are devoted to promoting and disseminating positive images throughout the internet. Which is why it’s time you salty motherfuckers finally learned a thing or two about profile pictures. The following profile poses are to Facebook as the music of Creed is to all that is holy.

Duckface Mirror pics
If you are standing in your bathroom taking your own picture YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE YOURSELF LOOKING LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN COURTNEY LOVE FUCKED A PLATYPUS. Same goes for this pose’s older sister, “Selfie From A Downward Angle,” otherwise known as the “Please Note That Contrary To Popular Opinion I Have Some Cleavage” shot.

Honestly, I don’t get it: society has put more effort into attempting to stigmatize the duckface and all its permutations than attempting to render urinal conversations between strangers dishonorable. And somehow it’s still a pervasive problem.

Head Tilt Hair Toss
Hey Head, can you please embody the sentiment of “I want so badly to be horizontal with you if you catch my drift that I might just fall over now srrrssssly though I’m rully off-balance”? Now Hair, subjugate the entire photo with your dyed n’ fried luster.  Okay, everybody look natural!

Kissing the Significant Other
You had to ask a third party take that photo for you. You literally subjected another human being to the sight of your slightly-less-than-moderately-attractive bodies pressed against one another in an outward simulation of affection. You posted that picture with the knowledge that most of your Facebook friends will become reunited with their long-lost lunches upon sight of this desperate attempt to document that you are indeed capable and worthy of love.

The only way that this is even slightly acceptable is if that photo is the documentation of the foursome about to take place between you, your lover, the photographer, and that seagull in the frame that’s clearly scoping you out. Otherwise, please go buttchug arsenic.

Skinny Arm
                  A) Used Seriously

OH MY GOD UR HAIR LOOKS ZOOO PRETTY

Use of the skinny arm is strongly correlated with use of Head Tilt Hair Toss. Use of the Head Tilt Hair Toss is strongly correlated with Everyone Thinks You’re A Dumbfuck Ass-souffle With A Lobotomy.

Just be careful, kids.

   B) Used Ironically

You’re encouraging them. Stop encouraging them.

Arm Around Badly Cropped Friend
You douchebag. That’s probably the only guy that had the cajones to be around you after The Cucumber Incident in high school sex ed, and you clearly don’t deserve him. Instead of appreciating his presence in your life, you decided that you look so damn good in that picture that you didn’t need him. Or maybe he was the good-looking one, and you realized that you pale in comparison. Whatever the reason, your subpar skills with the “crop” button make you look like a frattier and significantly less attractive Bethany Hamilton. Reevaluate your life, you stupid fuck.

Look, I get it. I’m a Sherman Ave writer; we love pretending we’re attractive too. But in all seriousness, stop spending all your funtime trying to look good on Facebook. Because you probably don’t.

Why I’m transferring to Arizona State

Okay, so don’t think of this as a break up. Just think of it as a “see ya later pal,” aight? Because honestly, this isn’t about you. It’s about me needing to do what I have to do.

So here it is: I think I’m transferring. Probably to Arizona State. Sorry. But as I do in all breakups, and to make this much easier on you, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why:

How come the student-to-hot-tub ratio isn’t factored into U.S. News & World Report Rankings?

1. Warmth
Literally what the fuck is with this snow? I thought it was like April or some ish like that. Didn’t we kill Punxatawnee Phil? Seriously, this is some bull. But in the warm sands of Tempe, we find an oasis of warmth and sunshine. ASU is the perfect mix of a hot, beach-like climate with no humidity to totally ruin your hair. This warm weather allows for a minimum of clothing, something that you’ll soon see is a key point. This balmy climate has long attracted retirees and schleppers, so why not me? I’ve had it up to HERE with the cold weather! I’m getting’ on up, movin’ on out and sittin’ back down in a lawn chair next to the private pool I assume each ASU student gets.

The Five Flavors of Motherfucker

Indulge your synesthesia. We’re categorizing the most unpalatable people.

An industrial-size salty motherfucker

Salty Motherfuckers
Let me take you back to the diving board at your local swimming pool. You’d jump, swim to the ladder or the edge, climb out, and then get in line, jump, swim, climb, repeat. There’d be a pretty regular line that formed. But then once, you’d do the sweetest cannonbellywatermelopener dive known to mankind — maybe you’d take a little longer getting out of the water, or you’d stop to bask in compliments from your mom. This is when the Motherfucker would strike. You’d just be getting out of the water when out of the corner of your eye you’d see the kid that jumped in after you swimming to the edge with the urgency of the Space Race, yanking himself out of the water, and powerwalking (or even running, the bastard!) with one greedy eye on YOUR SPOT in line, and the other greedy eye checking back to see if you were gonna try and polite-fight him for it.

As if that weren’t bad enough, if he stole your spot, he’d get on the board and spend ten minutes debating what kind of jump to do with his friends (who were probably hanging on the lane line), while inside you’re screaming, “Accept that any way you flip is going to end up as a belly flop, before I come up there and push you off!” At Northwestern, you can identify these bitchwaffles pulling the same maneuver in the stir-fry or hot cookie bar line. This is why they are Salty Motherfuckers: pouring salt onto a wound is not really dangerous in the long term, but it’s pretty damn agonizing at the time. It makes you want to throw that aforementioned metaphorical salt back into their beady eyes, because it is as harmlessly obnoxious as the Salty Motherfucker.

Even her hair-tests came back positive for motherfucker

Savory Motherfuckers
Hey, remember when Oprah Winfrey had a hissy fit because a closed store wouldn’t reopen for her? Remember when Oprah Winfrey took credit for giving away shit that wasn’t hers? Remember when Oprah Winfrey existed? Yeah. Believe it or not, there are people so pampered that they will throw a tantrum when the Pier1 cashier can’t cater to their every whim by returning an item without a receipt or after 90 days. These are the snarky suburban moms who turn PTA meetings into Attack of the Martyrs Episode III because Little Johnny Do-No-Wrong has excessive allergies, and therefore clearly nobody’s parents should be allowed to bring in homemade birthday cakes. Note to readers: if you are someone who complains about the preparation of truffle shrooms at five-star restaurants or demands compensation for the terrible injuries caused by eating subpar lobster, please put yourself down, because you are irreparably broken and probably in constant pain from your delicate sensitivities. I’d suggest that we make astronomically high maintenance a crime, but then we’d have to arrest them and listen to them complain that their cell wasn’t padded enough.

Proceed with caution, as it can be very difficult to discern the difference between motherfuckers and simple guidos

Sour Motherfuckers
They’re assholes and they know it. Anyone who is inexplicably, selfishly, mercilessly malicious should have both their tongues and their genitals removed without anesthesia. Humans have hearts. If you suck as a human being, you do not deserve to contribute to the gene pool for fear that your children will grow up to be the kind of Motherfucker that does terrible things to people without even having to rationalize them. Examples of Sour Motherfucking include using someone who cares about you, sabotaging someone’s lab, lying about an STD, ruining others’ reputations, and touching children where they should not be touched. To be clear: Tucker Max’s shocking shenanigans usually fall under the category of harmlessly unpleasant Salty Motherfucker. The despicable bitch that somehow wound up in your sorority who ran for Recruitment Chair so she could put the freshmen down is a Sour Motherfucker. It’s all about the motives.

Ross Packingham's image of the perfect woman

Sweet Motherfuckers
These are the breed of superhumans whose perfection we will never attain and therefore must criticize. They are effortlessly attractive, intelligent, accomplished, athletic, stylish, polished, and well-spoken. They do not trip over their words. They do not trip over anything. They are the parents who jog with strollers containing the adorably well-trained future polite society of Icelandic Snow Owl benefits. And you know they’re probably good in bed. Arguably the worst Motherfucker, these cuntmuffins won’t even give you the decency of visibly fucking you over so you can hate them. If you express your certainty that there is something “off” about them (the possibility that they are actually a robot), you will almost certainly be met with shock from the believers in the tenured reputation of the android, who will shun you as either insane or jealous. Sweet Motherfuckers are more like aspartame than sugar: fake, carcinogenic, and typically lacking in caloric content. Breathe, fellow fuckups of the world: at least we’re more idiosyncratic.

This Evanston Councilman hasn't smiled in over 17 years

Bitter Motherfuckers
The Evanston City Council says one of their most frequently asked questions is: “What’s up your ass?” Since they cannot diagnose it themselves, Sherman Avenue will: They are Bitter Motherfuckers, the species of Motherfucker so filled with regret that the only thing left for them to do is to ensure that everyone else ends up unhappier than Edward Scissorhands trying to masturbate; that is to say, as unhappy as they are. But it’s not limited to the former premed/prelaw students who resent that their focus and initiative (translation: staunch denial of their own humanity) during their college days allowed them a very comfortable life in WASP’s nests. Other Bitter Motherfuckers include Denny’s waiters, certain unsuccessful starving artists, and (understandably) anyone working in retail on Black Friday. The best way to deal with these Motherfuckers is to maintain high levels of happiness in spite of their best efforts. Yes, it’s hard to do when they’re busy removing kids’ rights to trick-or-treat, cohabitate like sardines, or party like it’s Y2K. But there is no better revenge than the confidence of knowing you have a hopeful future and a pleasant present. Schadenfreude, bitches.

Ask not what heinousness can do for you. Ask what you can do for your heinousness.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Hooking Up

That girl from your Intro to Microeconomics discussion section won't ever stand a chance

We all want action, but few know of a sure-fire way to find it. At college, the ability to suavely convince a random hottie to engage in romantic activities with scant emotional attachment involved can be an extraordinarily difficult, yet exceptionally valuable, skill to hone. Like snowflakes or the Kardashians, no two hookups are alike, from random slampieces to that one girl you’ve been lurking ever since the March through the Arch, so it’s important to be a paragon of subtlety while working your moves. Here at Sherman Ave, we are pretentious enough to think that we’ve seen it all when it comes to romance, and have compiled a fast and easy guide on how to get with that fast and easy special someone.

10 Cartoon Characters We Can’t Help but be Attracted To

It’s not too weird that sometimes we’re sexually attracted to the cartoon characters from our childhood, is it? Come on, let’s be honest here. Who hasn’t fascinated about Bill from that one Schoolhouse Rock episode? Or paused a game of Super Smash Bros to engage in a lengthy discussion about how hot Princess Peach is. Even Marge Simpson has been portrayed as a devilishly alluring MILF from time to time. We believe that instead of hiding our fascination with these alluring animations, we should instead celebrate just how seductively captivating certain cartoons can be. So here is our list of the Top Ten Most Attractive Cartoon Characters of All Time.

Yeah he's fixing a hole. In my heart.

10. Paul McCartney, in “Yellow Submarine”
Maybe it’s just our general affection for the Lady-killer of Liverpool, or maybe it was just the general mood of “Yellow Submarine,” but McCartney’s cartoon visage would definitely have us shouting “Oh! Darling!.” We’re still not sure what the hell The Beatles were thinking when they made that film, but boy are we glad that Paul’s animated visage ended up being so psychedelically ravishing. Who wouldn’t want to do it on the road with Cartoon Paul?

Yet another red-head who's way too hot for a Ron

9. Kim Possible
Few women kick as much bad-guy ass, sport as luscious red hair, tackle the every day problems of average teenagers, or possess such surprisingly pointy zoomazooms as Kim Possible. Whether protecting the world from the sinister plots of Doctor Drakken or simply stumbling through 10th grade with Ron Stoppable, Kim’s always going to have a special place in our hearts. Also, although he vigorously denies it, secretly Rufus totally tapped that.

Surprisingly, the phrase "Hey there, pretty moma" does not have the intended effect on most women

8. Johnny Bravo
Oh Johnny. Guys want to be you. Girls want to get with you. The pompadour hairstyle is undeniably irresistible, and his Elvis-like croon could win over even the coldest of ladies. As if that weren’t enough, the incredibly quick movements and bulging biceps of Johnny B., not to mention stellar dancing skills, usually sealed the deal. The venerable Cartoon Network might seem underrepresented on this list, but Mr. Bravo is easily the hunkiest creation ever to grace the station and our hearts.

Why can't cartoon characters like her interract with humans in real life!?

7. Jessica Rabbit
Sure, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is pretty important and all for bringing about the reemergence of interest in animation into the modern film era and some other junk about Disney Renaissance and stuff. But dude, did you see how freaking sultry Jessica Rabbit is!? We still have no clue how Disney let the movie get away with creating one of the most famous animated sex symbols of all time, but can we really complain? Her rendition of “Why Don’t You Do Right?” is fiendishly bewitching, and her quotation “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way,” gets us every damn time. If her main rational behind her love for her husband Roger Rabbit was simply because “he makes me laugh,” then we think it’s about time she started looking around for a new lover. Perhaps she should check out one of the hottest and humorous blogs on the interwebs? Aww, who are we kidding. She’d probably go for those douches over at Cracked anyways.

Part-wolf, part-dog, all-heartbreaker

6. Balto
Sure, he’s a dog. Which means that not only are we salivating over an animated character, but also committing mental bestiality. Would the proper wombination be cartoonality? But so what, Balto’s a fox (metaphorically. Everybody knows he’s half-Siberian husky). And anybody who’s willing to save children from a diphtheria epidemic in Nome, hang around two polar bears voiced by Phil Collins, and fight a grizzly bear to protect his love-interest Jenna already has the keys to our heart. Also, finding Balto’s statue in Central Park (which features a surprisingly large appendage) may or may not be one of the most exciting things to ever happen to a person in New York City.

Think her and Aladdin ever did it on the flying carpet?

5. Princess Jasmine
Few Disney Princesses have been as devastatingly seductive as Princess Jasmine. Not sure who’s the luckiest, the city of Agrabah for thriving under her mesmeric presence, Aladdin for experiencing the full extent of her crop topped and harem panted beauty, or her pet tiger, who’s, well, a freaking pet tiger. Raven-haired and stunningly elegant, her physical charm is undeniable. But it’s her curiosity, courage, cleverness, and vigorous sense of adventure, unprecedented in other Disney Princesses, that augments her alluring physique and turns her into one of the most attractive animated characters of all time. Also, if we were ever so fortunate as to marry her, we could totally wear that ridiculous Sultan hat all the time, and our life would be awesome.

Stoop Kid was runner-up in a fiercely contested debate

4. Gerald Johanssen
Few cartoon characters have been as freaking cool as Gerald was for the entirety of Hey Arnold! Nobody can combine street smarts, popularity (he was class president), and genuine personality quite like Gerald can. His crush on Phoebe be damned, we’ve always fantasized about him whispering his catchphrase “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” into our ear (“You’re a bold kid” would be alright too). We also wouldn’t mind a tryst with his bad-boy older brother Jamie Johanssen, but that’s neither here nor there. What matters is that Gerald is a perfect crystallization of all our desires in cartoon form. Although if we ever suggested we invite Arnold to join us in our sexual endeavors, we’d have no choice but to leave him lickety freaking split.

Splooge

3. Lana Kane
International spy? Check. Unbridled wit and intellect? Check. Big hands? Check. The international spy community seems to produce a disproportionate amount of exceedingly beautiful female agents. But Lana is in a category of her own. ISIS just wouldn’t be the same without her, and few women can make killing a man in Tunisia so risque.

Golden fur + auburn mane = HAWT!!!

2. Simba
He’s beautiful. He’s spunky. His voice is sexy. He’s heroic. He bitch-slapped Jeremy Irons, which takes balls. He’s a king of everything the light touches. Any possible children will have an awesome naming fiesta. He’s brave, deep-voiced, mighty, and has great hair. Sure, he might have some Daddy issues, but those can be ironed out. Also, it’s worth noting that Nala was pretty smoking too. These lions sure know what’s up.

(additional consultation from CAK and EH)

Bugs is a lucky bunny.

1. Lola Bunny
Perhaps it’s just because Space Jam was such an astoundingly awesome movie of our childhood, but Lola easily seemed like the most natural choice for the most attractive cartoon character of all time. She’s unbelievably voluptuous for a bunny, but what makes her so freaking seductive is her basketball skills. An essential asset for the Tiny Toons in their unexpected victory over the Monstars, Lola is 3’2″ of pure animated beauty. Nuff said.