June Heinous Second-Round Results: PBR Division

Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler vs. Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini

Winner: Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini

Heating up!

The excellent teamwork that Darwin and Khomeini managed in the first round only increased in the second round match.  They managed to get rollbacks on multiple occasions, and Khomeini managed even to make a behind-the-back shot after getting the ball back on the table; this impressive feat was followed with a hearty “Allah ackbar!”  However, their opponents did put up a strong fight.  Jane Austen had an especially surprising game, making three of her first four cups and nearly mounting a comeback at the end (unsurprisingly, that was the first thing she ever mounted).  Unfortunately for Austen and Hitler, their team dynamic was less-than-stellar, seeing as Hitler frequently told Austen that her primary role in society was to produce strong, fit youth to strengthen the Reich.  Hitler and Austen were unable to make the comeback, losing in the end by 2 cups.  Darwin and Khomeini celebrated with an oddly well-coordinated rendition of the Thriller dance; Austen simply went to sleep and Hitler promptly shot himself in his bunker.

Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac vs. Sacagawea/Hannibal

Winner: Sacagawea/Hannibal

Am I seriously the only one who can hear the Velvet Underground playing right now?

Hannibal really delivered in this match, seeing as he made 7 cups (including the last 4).  Everyone seemed a bit uncomfortable, however, when he followed every victorious shot with “it puts the ping pong ball in the solo cup.” Sacagawea played a slightly less impressive game, but she’s a woman, so the bar’s a lot lower.  Warhol and Kerouac simply didn’t have their head in the game this time around – Kerouac’s head was probably in some fucked up world of Catholicism and drugs, while Warhol’s head was obviously up his ass.  Upon later investigations, IBPF officials discovered that Warhol and Kerouac were not drinking beer, but rather a concoction consisting of two parts cheap vodka, one part goat semen, and four parts LSD.  By the time Hannibal made the last cup, Warhol was eating a lock of Sacagawea’s hair he had cut off, and Kerouac was sending dick pics to Allen Ginsberg.  Sacagawea and Hannibal will move on to the Elite Eight, lined up against Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini.

May Heinous First-Round Results: PBR Division

Analysts are already comparing Napoleon/Columbus’ surprising defeat to the Bulls’ first-round folding.

Our analysts recap the first-round results of this year’s May Heinous tournament, starting with the Pabst Blue Ribbon Division. After four grueling beer pong matches, the teams of Warhol/Kerouac, Sacagawea/Hannibal, Austen/Hitler, and Darwin/Khomeini advance to the Sweet Sixteen, whose matches will be co-sponsored by Nutella inc. and the tourism bureau of the Syrian Arab Republic.

Now if only Warhol would get off the mescaline.

Napoleon Bonaparte/Christopher Columbus vs. Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac
Winner: Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac
Napoleon unsurprisingly opens the game by forcing everyone to pour Stella Artois into chalices rather than using the traditional red solo cup, which offends Warhol’s sense of pop culture. Kerouac calms everyone down, relating the situation to some bizarre story of how he once had sex while driving on Route 66. Columbus is unimpressed. The match begins, and Kerouac easily dominates the competition, despite Warhol’s tendency to suck spectacularly. Kerouac offers to drink Napoleon’s cups for him, saying that his size puts him at a disadvantage. Napoleon yells at him, saying that he’s the average height for his time. Kerouac winks at him. Napoleon’s frustration and sexual tension with Kerouac – in addition to Columbus’s syphilis – clear the way for a Warhol/Kerouac victory.
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

“And make sure your elbow doesn’t cross over the edge of the table.”

Sacagawea/Hannibal vs. General George McClellan/Margaret Sanger
Winner: Sacagawea/Hannibal
Despite concerns that her performance would be impaired by the fact that she took three or four dozen drags from the “peace pipe” before the match, Sacagawea carried her team to victory, sinking four out of her first five shots. Hannibal also performed well, aided by the fact that he took the majority of his shots from atop an elephant (a rather peculiar loophole in the IBPF regulations). McClellan was the disappointment of the day; in an interview after the loss, he blamed his “pussy-like qualities” for his inability to make more than three cups. To no one’s surprise, Margaret Sanger was completely useless, making only one measly fucking cup. This six-cup victory should launch Sacagawea and Hannibal into the Sweet Sixteen with considerable momentum.
–Ross Packingham

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler vs. General George Patton/Al Gore
Winner: Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler
Although we here at Sherman Ave were hoping for a Gore-Patton win, popular support was (once again) not enough to help Gore or his partner against Jane Austen and the Dubya of beer pong, otherwise known as Adolf Hitler. (Can you say “inconvenient truth?!?!?” LOLOLOL.) Austen’s aggression was most likely due to Hitler’s warnings against putting themselves in a weak position, as there was “irrefutable” evidence that Gore and Patton had weapons of mass destruction. (No such weapons were ever found). Although Austen and Hitler are advancing to the next round, there is a lingering air of mistrust that may impede future success.
–Krystal

Darwin and Khomeini also intend to compete in this Summer’s Beard Olympics.

Kate Chopin/Idi Amin vs. Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
Winner: Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
It was tough to speculate how this match was going to go, but many anticipated a strong showing from the Ugandan dictator. However, Idi Amin screwed the pooch just like he screwed his entire nation. His disappointing performance (paired with Chopin’s refusal to take a behind-the-back shot because it “perpetuates an oppressive and male-dominated society”) cleared the way for Darwin and Khomeini – a surprisingly cohesive team – to a speedy victory by a margin of 6 cups. The Evolutionist and the Revolutionist closed the game out by icing their opponents.
–Ross Packingham

May Heinous Breakdown: Pabst Blue Ribbon Division

This is clearly the best possible use of everybody's time.

Yesterday, we unleashed the most heinous assault on history since the Cultural Revolution with Selection Sunday for May Heinous, our 32-team beer pong tournament featuring historical figures vying for the prestigious Morty Schapiro cup. Submissions for the official Sherman Ave May Heinous pool are open until Sunday, May 6th, and can be downloaded HERE before submitting completed brackets to shermanave1@gmail.com.

To further inundate educate our readers on the first-round matchups, our writers have briefly skimmed Wikipedia tirelessly researched the opening round contenders to provide an extensive breakdown of each team of historical figures. We hope our bracketology aids you in your quest for the perfect bracket. Tonight: The Pabst Blue Ribbon Division.

He also hopes to distract opponents with his pronounced moose knuckle.

Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus
Napoleon might be a quality partner, if it weren’t for the fact that he has a humongous temper and is paired with a pompous dickwaffle that won’t shut up about discovering the “new land,” which we interpret as the female body (let’s be real, Napolean isn’t tapping Sacagawea tonight).
Christopher Columbus is a Genoese asshole who thinks that just because you’re a celebrity means you get to sail your ship into any damn harbor. This bitch would love to colonize your room tonight, so don’t plan on sleeping in your own bed.
Strengths: Intimidation, Strategy
Weaknesses: General douchebaggery, bad tempers
Team Cohesiveness: 2/10
First-Round Opponents: Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

I refuse to play by the rules you have traditionally set to govern celeb shots.

Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac
American pop-Art founder Andy Warhol really shouldn’t be in a beer pong tournament unless it involves nude models, Marilyn Monroe, and Campbell’s soup cans. I don’t suspect he’ll be any good at taking shots and he’ll probably refuse to conform to established norms regarding re-racks.  Beatnik writer Jack Kerouac, having played football at Columbia, might actually bring some amount of athleticism to this team, but will probably lose on purpose just so that he can drink himself into enough of a stupor to allow his suppressed homosexuality to come out. Watch out, Martin Luther!
Strengths: Kerouac’s athleticism, Warhol’s re-racks (who knows how to shoot a ping pong ball into a zebra shaped arrangement of cups?)
Weaknesses: A closeted gay man paired with a homosexual icon, Warhol’s supreme lack of athleticism
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

If he had the balls to pull off elephants, who knows what will happen on a redemption shot.

Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca
While most claim that Sacagawea was a translator for Lewis and Clark and whatnot, we all know she was there as a sexual release (real talk). Hannibal is considered one of the greatest military strategists, but I can’t get past the fact that his name reminds me of Hannibal Lecter. In any case, this team is bound to accomplish some crazy shit. Hannibal is a boss and can strategize better than most other teams, while Sacagawea can use her long hair and Native American language to distract the other team. She can also throw gold dollar coins bearing her face at opponents (I’m sure those hurt). However, the language barrier may prove problematic when it comes to re-racking and shit-talking.
Strengths: Navigation, Elephants
Weaknesses: Communication, Avalanches
Team Cohesiveness: 7/10
First-Round Opponents: General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger
–Petunia Cracksparkler

Pongs pretty hard with his PIKE brothers on weekends.

General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger
General George McClellan was a sub-par general who tried to oppose Lincoln in an election.  Who the fuck does that?! Margaret Sanger established Planned Parenthood and was a birth control activist (SUCK IT, RUSH LIMBAUGH!). Things for this team could go either way. McClellan surely won’t bring much to the table, yet Sanger is a boss and could potentially put the team on her back.  McClellan can’t really think on his feet, and often receives criticism for not utilizing every shot he’s allowed to take. However, McClellan might just be able to keep it together in the long run, or at least for as long as Sanger needs to kick ass and take names.
Strengths: McClellan’s mustache, the team’s combined prissiness
Weaknesses: Lack of strategic insight, low tolerance
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca
–Petunia Cracksparkler

Hitler displays his killer follow through.

Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler
Jane Austen: Badass novelist of realist romantic fiction. Adolf Hitler: extreme asswipe and former dictator of Nazi Germany. This was either a match made in heaven, or the wet dream of a heroin addict living in the Lower West Side who fell asleep while watching reruns of The Jetsons. While Hitler will surely bring a high level of determination and aggressive effort to the team, the duo’s success may be compromised by Jane’s likely efforts to undermine her misogynistic partner and general IDGAFing.
Strengths: Makings pacts, breaking pacts, Mr. Darcy
Weaknesses: Fan-section mostly limited to skinheads marching through Skokie and aging housewives
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: General George S. Patton and Al Gore
–Krystal

BOSS AS FUCK

General George S. Patton and Al Gore
General George S. Patton, known for his strong leadership of the United States Third Army during World War Two, pairs up with Al Gore, former future POTUS, in what should be an interesting game against Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler. The Patton-Gore team will bring bold and relentless efforts to the competition, but Gore’s flip-flopping tendencies could lower the pair’s chances of seizing victory over Austen and Hitler. Expect for Patton to make Der Führer become Der Fürious with repeated mentions of the Invasion of Normandy.
Strengths: The Popular Vote, being the greatest general in history
Weaknesses: The Electoral College, Car Crashes
Team Cohesiveness: 6/10
First-Round Opponents: Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler
–Krystal

Wait, this is the bitch who wrote "The Awakening!?"

Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin
Feminist writer Kate Chopin is not what you’d call an “MVP Contender” in this year’s tournament.  It’s not that she doesn’t have the potential for mediocrity, but rather that she’s too busy writing shitty novels about her white girl problems to invest anything into the game.  Idi-Amin provides an interesting complement to Chopin.  This Ugandan dictator is probably not used to being denied anything at all, let alone a measly beer pong victory.  This team’s only chance to win will be if Idi-Amin’s determined attitude can motivate Ms. (or Mrs.?  Then again, who gives a fuck) Chopin to get her head in the game.  Otherwise, this team doesn’t pose too much of a threat.
Strengths: Absolute power, “underdog” factor
Weaknesses: Power-trip-induced delusion, Kate Chopin
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini
–Ross Packingham

He said we're derived from WHAT???

Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini
If this tournament has a wildcard team, it’s these crazy fuckers; one sports analyst calls them the most eclectic team since the legendary Deng Xiaoping/Patrick Henry combo in 1995.  Charles Darwin should make a pretty large contribution to this team — the guy can probably hold his liquor pretty damn well.  You really think he spent all that time on the Galapagos Islands just watching animals and shit? Nah, the guy was drinking Kahlua out of turtle shells.  Ayatollah Khomeini should also be a strong player, but in a different way.  His lack of experience drinking alcohol could be an obstacle, but he’s also very strong-willed and imposing, which can really go a long way.  This firecracker of a team could really go either way; it should be really interesting.
Strengths: Coups, Sea travel
Weaknesses: Khomeini’s low tolerance, Darwin’s unpopularity with religious conservatives
Team Cohesiveness: 5/10
First-Round Opponents: Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin
–Ross Packingham