The Sherman Ave 2012 VP Debate Drinking Game

If you have the wild misfortunate of following The Ave on Twitter, you may have noticed that we enjoy the presidential debates. There’s nothing that livens a weekday night up more than seeing Jim Lehrer bound and gagged in his chair while Mitt Romney beats one of The Poors with a sock full of gold bricks and Barack Obama pukes up on himself.

So when we heard there was another debate this week, we were thrilled. “Golly gee,” we though, in our best Tagg Romney impersonation, “what a swell chance this shall be to hear two esteemed gentlemen engage in the art of intellectual disagreement.”

Then we heard Joe Biden was involved.

Power hour if they make out.

It turns out that Thursday night’s debate is the VICE presidential debate. Never to be dismayed, we excitedly began waiting for Sarah Palin to wink at us in that special blend of “come hither” and “come any closer and I’ll shoot you from a helicopter” that only she can manage. Once again, we were brutally disappointed to discover that some bloke named Paul Ryan will be giggling at Uncle Joe instead.

See, apparently the GOP candidates is NOT required to pick Palin for veep after all! (Crazy, right?! Slike, why did Mack-daddy even acknowledge her heinousness then?) Our excitement thoroughly destroyed, we turned to America’s most favorite and least advisable coping mechanism: drank.

Sherman Ave is proud* to present the 2012 Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game:

Take a sip if…

When he heard the debate would be on ABC, Paul Ryan thought it meant a different “ABC”

• Paul Ryan discusses Medicare or entitlements (that means Social Security or Medicaid too, you fucking engineers).
• Joe Biden mentions his upbringing (that means childhood, you goddamn pre-meds).
• Moderator Martha Raddatz manages to effectively end discussion of a topic when time expires ONE FUCKING TIME.
• Biden gives Obama credit for the fact that GM is alive but Osama bin Laden is now one of the dead people.
• Paul Ryan blatantly contradicts himself (that means on the Simpson-Bowles debt commission plan, saving $716 billion in Medicare from overhead costs, rape exceptions on abortion, or like half of the shit Mitt Romney says he kind of supports but might not if other people don’t like it).
• Biden says “consecutive months of job growth,” “5.1 million new jobs,” or “7.8% unemployment.”
• Ryan says “fiscal responsibility,” “failure” or “Nancy Pelosi.” Three sips if he cannot bring himself to say Pelosi’s name.
• Biden forgets someone’s name, gets a date wrong, doesn’t realize he was asked a question, asks Ryan to get him some coffee, makes a joke about “a cup of Joe for Joe” after he asks Ryan for coffee, asks if he’s president yet, or reverts to talking about his wife because he can’t remember what the question was.

Take a gulp if…

• The moderator challenges Ryan to substantiate a claim.
• Ryan leaves Biden crying on his podium and asking if he may leave now.
• Biden forgets to wear a shirt.
• Ryan “forgets” to wear a shirt and starts rubbing his abs at the camera.
• Biden openly flirts with Raddatz.
• Ryan name drops Janesville, Wisconsin.
• Biden name drops Scranton, Pennsylvania.
• Biden and Ryan have a fistfight over whose blue-collar upbringing was tougher.
• Ryan mentions Ayn Rand.
• Biden says “you were a lot more ladylike in our last debate.”
• Ryan uses words that Biden doesn’t understand.
• Ryan says the middle class has been “buried” the last four years. Two gulps if he credits Biden with coming up with the line.
• Either candidate uses a clearly pre-prepared zinger.

Finish your drink if…

Big Bird jokes are NEVER gonna get old, rite??

• Obama comes onstage to redeem himself.
• Bill Clinton comes onstage and euthanizes Biden.
• Ryan announces his 2016 candidacy.
• Biden points out that it was rude of Ryan not to ask if he could call him Joe.
• Ryan messes up an answer and just yells, “Yeah, well this bitch invited Obama to her wedding she probably like loves him or something I bet she kept an old Kleenex of his and is gonna do some weird African voodoo on it to make him like her.” Word for word.
• Big Bird eats Ryan alive on national television.
• The handshake at the end of the debate lasts more than 3.5 seconds.

*Horrified, ashamed and embarrassed.

——————————————————————————————————————–

For a livetweet of the debate, and to feel bad about your life choices, follow us on Twitter. To just feel bad about your life choices, like us on Facebook. To become one of us, check out our application!

Romney pins Ryan down, cuts his hair

Romney and Ryan after the hair-chopping incident.

In an awkward moment in the presidential race on Saturday, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was seen holding down GOP vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan and cutting Ryan’s hair off.

The episode, captured exclusively by TMZ obvi, is reminiscent of an earlier hold-down-and-cut-hair episode in Romney’s life that is weirdly the most personable memory anyone seems to have of the former Massachusetts’s governor.

As Romney and Ryan were leaving the deck of the USS Wisconsin Saturday, shortly after Romney introduced Ryan as the veep pick, a woman appeared to shout to Ryan that she thought his hair was better than Romney’s. Romney proclaimed himself to be “flabbergasted” before adding “Gee whiz, these yellow-bellied knuckleheads have some silly ideas in their noggins!”

It was at this point that Romney grew visibly agitated and stroked his hair enviously.

“He can’t look better than me. That’s wrong. Just look at me!” an incensed Romney told his very close friend Ann Romney, according to TMZ’s recollection.

Romney then grabbed his handy-dandy safety scissors from his pocket, removed the rubber band that keeps the blade closed, and slipped off the plastic covering he uses to keep the blades from giving him “a big old poke.” Pouncing on Ryan, Romney unleashed a torrent of insults, including “pinko hair fascist,” “working class poor person,” and “big poopy face.”

And don’t you EVER question my hair again

By the time Romney regained his composure, Ryan’s once luscious locks were completely obliterated.

“Well, if my logarithm relating the flowing nature of hair follicles to the probability of electoral success holds true– as it did under Herbert Hoover– I think we can assume that your actions have done statistically significant damage to our chances over the next 88 days,” Ryan said. Romney reportedly blinked in return.

For the Republican ticket, the new hairlessness of Ryan poses a series of unique challenges. Political experts say a new ad out from a pro-Obama Super PAC linking Romney to male pattern baldness will be particularly potent in light of these revelations. Allegations that Bain capital bought out a wig company will likely also reenter the national discussion and could hurt Romney with the key “weird uncles whose eyebrows are different colors from their hair but totally don’t wear a wig so shut up” demographic.

The Obama campaign was quick to release a statement on the incident, noting that, “Romney failed to release his tax returns while he violently held down his running mate and returned to the Bush-era hair chopping policies.”

Romney attempted to explain away the incident to media later in the day by noting that he has previously been in favor of not cutting people’s hair off without consent and, after careful deliberations with his circle of advisers, he has had another epiphany and decided to return to that position.

“On the state level, I think that hair cutting is a good idea,” Romney said. “But states are really a hair-chopping laboratory. There’s no reason to think that I would support it on a national level unless everyone else does.”

Ryan quickly released a controversial budget for his hair plugs, which he would pay for by massively reducing student financial aid, cutting cancer screenings and ending Medicare. Ryan reportedly giggled when a senior citizen asked how she would afford her medication now, making him the first member of the Romney-Ryan ticket to genuinely laugh ever.