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Tag Archives: Balto

Super Tuesday Predictions

6 Mar

Wolf Blitzer can't stop trimming his beard in anticipation.

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The closest thing we’ve got to a national primary. The kind of day Karl Rove and George Stephanopoulos have wet dreams about. The moment we finally find out just how ambivalent Americans feel about Mitt Romney. It’s Super Tuesday! Follow our state-by-state guide for a comprehensive examination of how these 10 states will select their 2012 Republican nominee.

OHIO
I’ll be honest. Most of my knowledge regarding the state of Ohio comes from either Bristol Bacchus or Cleveland jokes. But if this state thought that it would be a good idea to induct the Beastie Boys and Neil Diamond into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, then I’m not sure how well I can trust the judgment of its citizens. The race between Santorum and Romney might be more unpredictable than a LeBron James televised announcement, but I think Romney pulls ahead after he is quoted at a campaign stop admitting that, like LeBron, he’s working on an autobiography but just can’t come up with a title.

GEORGIA
At the time of me writing this post, the New York Times has already called Georgia in favor of Gingrich with less than 1% of the polls reporting. Which is a relief, as it saves me the time of having to come up with jokes about Sherman’s March to the Sea, Coca-Cola, peaches, or how the 76 delegates up for grabs seems like a remarkably similar figure to what I assume the ex-Congressman’s BMI looks like.

OMG guyzzz y doesnt nybody lyke me??!?

TENNESSEE
Just once I want to see Mitt down a fifth of Jack, stumble through the electric slide at a Nashville honky tonk, drunk dial Tipper Gore, and finish the night sobbing outside of Graceland. I think if he can pull all four off before the polls close, he might have a fighting chance is stealing this Southern state from Gingrich. At least as much of a fighting chance as Johnston and Beauregard had at the Battle of Shiloh.

ALASKA
After ringing endorsements from Balto and Jewel, Ron Paul carries the Alaska primary by appealing to voters’ enthusiasm for legalized weed to help get through the winter and increase appreciation for the Northern Lights. Rumors abound that Gingrich promised to “drill baby drill” Sarah Palin if he was victorious, but are dismissed by Newt as a smear campaign invented by the devious liberal media hell-bent on distracting the American people from the real issues at stake in this election.

MASSACHUSETTS
In a surprise upset, Governor Romney arrives in a time machine from 2003 to defeat the current conservative incarnation of Mitt. The 2003 Romney also extols on the virtues of comprehensive health care, the success of the invasion of Iraq, and the musical brilliance of Evanescence.

IDAHO
What’s bland, white, and favored by many Irish Catholics? The Republican Party! Also, potatoes. Seeing that Idaho has a lot of both, I predict that a bland white Republican will win the Idaho caucus. Or maybe just a really fat potato dressed in a suit that many voters mistake for Newt Gingrich.

NORTH DAKOTA
North Dakota sucks so much, it’s developed an inferiority complex towards its neighbor to the South whose main claims to fame include a palace made of corn and a brief cameo appearance in North by Northwest. The state’s main exports are natural gas, lonesome prairie wind, tumbleweed, and depression. Even the nuclear missile silos left as soon as humanly possible. Like my seventh-grade self at the middle school dance, North Dakota’s willing to devote itself entirely to the first poor soul who shows it a shred of interest. All Romney has to do is show up and call North Dakota within the next three days to seal the deal.*

Pyrotechnics would really bolster his campaign stops

OKLAHOMA
The official rock song of Oklahoma is “Do You Realize??” by The Flaming Lips, which is pretty awesome until you imagine every citizen in the state singing “Everyone you know one day will die!,” and that the closest competition to The Flaming Lips for this prestigious title was the All-American Rejects’ “Move Along.” This, along with the fact that Oklahomans couldn’t come up with anything more original for their actual state song than fucking Rodgers and Hammerstein means that this state is bound to go for Ron Paul.

VERMONT
So long as the citizens of Vermont can find enough time to vote in between their busy schedule of wearing flannel, tapping for maple syrup, and not showering, I bet they go with the pride and joy of the Northeast, Scott Brown.

VIRGINIA
Considering Rick Santorum’s penchant for desperately holding on to socially conservative values that went out of vogue in the 1960s, the former Senator’s statement that Chief Justice Warren’s ruling in Loving v. Virginia “makes me want to spew some sort of vile amalgamation of vomit, semen, feces, and bile out of every orifice possible,” provides the essential vitriol necessary to win this key swing state despite not even making it on the ballot.

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*Imagine, if you will, the charming Mitt Romney sauntering up to North Dakota, standing in the corner looking forlornly at all the cool kids being courted by swarthy Super PACs, and asking it to slow dance with him while Jessica Simpson’s “Take My Breath Away” plays in the background. I bet North Dakota would immediately take Romney home to Fargo and let him frack her all night.

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10 Cartoon Characters We Can’t Help but be Attracted To

1 Apr

It’s not too weird that sometimes we’re sexually attracted to the cartoon characters from our childhood, is it? Come on, let’s be honest here. Who hasn’t fascinated about Bill from that one Schoolhouse Rock episode? Or paused a game of Super Smash Bros to engage in a lengthy discussion about how hot Princess Peach is. Even Marge Simpson has been portrayed as a devilishly alluring MILF from time to time. We believe that instead of hiding our fascination with these alluring animations, we should instead celebrate just how seductively captivating certain cartoons can be. So here is our list of the Top Ten Most Attractive Cartoon Characters of All Time.

Yeah he's fixing a hole. In my heart.

10. Paul McCartney, in “Yellow Submarine”
Maybe it’s just our general affection for the Lady-killer of Liverpool, or maybe it was just the general mood of “Yellow Submarine,” but McCartney’s cartoon visage would definitely have us shouting “Oh! Darling!.” We’re still not sure what the hell The Beatles were thinking when they made that film, but boy are we glad that Paul’s animated visage ended up being so psychedelically ravishing. Who wouldn’t want to do it on the road with Cartoon Paul?

Yet another red-head who's way too hot for a Ron

9. Kim Possible
Few women kick as much bad-guy ass, sport as luscious red hair, tackle the every day problems of average teenagers, or possess such surprisingly pointy zoomazooms as Kim Possible. Whether protecting the world from the sinister plots of Doctor Drakken or simply stumbling through 10th grade with Ron Stoppable, Kim’s always going to have a special place in our hearts. Also, although he vigorously denies it, secretly Rufus totally tapped that.

Surprisingly, the phrase "Hey there, pretty moma" does not have the intended effect on most women

8. Johnny Bravo
Oh Johnny. Guys want to be you. Girls want to get with you. The pompadour hairstyle is undeniably irresistible, and his Elvis-like croon could win over even the coldest of ladies. As if that weren’t enough, the incredibly quick movements and bulging biceps of Johnny B., not to mention stellar dancing skills, usually sealed the deal. The venerable Cartoon Network might seem underrepresented on this list, but Mr. Bravo is easily the hunkiest creation ever to grace the station and our hearts.

Why can't cartoon characters like her interract with humans in real life!?

7. Jessica Rabbit
Sure, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is pretty important and all for bringing about the reemergence of interest in animation into the modern film era and some other junk about Disney Renaissance and stuff. But dude, did you see how freaking sultry Jessica Rabbit is!? We still have no clue how Disney let the movie get away with creating one of the most famous animated sex symbols of all time, but can we really complain? Her rendition of “Why Don’t You Do Right?” is fiendishly bewitching, and her quotation “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way,” gets us every damn time. If her main rational behind her love for her husband Roger Rabbit was simply because “he makes me laugh,” then we think it’s about time she started looking around for a new lover. Perhaps she should check out one of the hottest and humorous blogs on the interwebs? Aww, who are we kidding. She’d probably go for those douches over at Cracked anyways.

Part-wolf, part-dog, all-heartbreaker

6. Balto
Sure, he’s a dog. Which means that not only are we salivating over an animated character, but also committing mental bestiality. Would the proper wombination be cartoonality? But so what, Balto’s a fox (metaphorically. Everybody knows he’s half-Siberian husky). And anybody who’s willing to save children from a diphtheria epidemic in Nome, hang around two polar bears voiced by Phil Collins, and fight a grizzly bear to protect his love-interest Jenna already has the keys to our heart. Also, finding Balto’s statue in Central Park (which features a surprisingly large appendage) may or may not be one of the most exciting things to ever happen to a person in New York City.

Think her and Aladdin ever did it on the flying carpet?

5. Princess Jasmine
Few Disney Princesses have been as devastatingly seductive as Princess Jasmine. Not sure who’s the luckiest, the city of Agrabah for thriving under her mesmeric presence, Aladdin for experiencing the full extent of her crop topped and harem panted beauty, or her pet tiger, who’s, well, a freaking pet tiger. Raven-haired and stunningly elegant, her physical charm is undeniable. But it’s her curiosity, courage, cleverness, and vigorous sense of adventure, unprecedented in other Disney Princesses, that augments her alluring physique and turns her into one of the most attractive animated characters of all time. Also, if we were ever so fortunate as to marry her, we could totally wear that ridiculous Sultan hat all the time, and our life would be awesome.

Stoop Kid was runner-up in a fiercely contested debate

4. Gerald Johanssen
Few cartoon characters have been as freaking cool as Gerald was for the entirety of Hey Arnold! Nobody can combine street smarts, popularity (he was class president), and genuine personality quite like Gerald can. His crush on Phoebe be damned, we’ve always fantasized about him whispering his catchphrase “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” into our ear (“You’re a bold kid” would be alright too). We also wouldn’t mind a tryst with his bad-boy older brother Jamie Johanssen, but that’s neither here nor there. What matters is that Gerald is a perfect crystallization of all our desires in cartoon form. Although if we ever suggested we invite Arnold to join us in our sexual endeavors, we’d have no choice but to leave him lickety freaking split.

Splooge

3. Lana Kane
International spy? Check. Unbridled wit and intellect? Check. Big hands? Check. The international spy community seems to produce a disproportionate amount of exceedingly beautiful female agents. But Lana is in a category of her own. ISIS just wouldn’t be the same without her, and few women can make killing a man in Tunisia so risque.

Golden fur + auburn mane = HAWT!!!

2. Simba
He’s beautiful. He’s spunky. His voice is sexy. He’s heroic. He bitch-slapped Jeremy Irons, which takes balls. He’s a king of everything the light touches. Any possible children will have an awesome naming fiesta. He’s brave, deep-voiced, mighty, and has great hair. Sure, he might have some Daddy issues, but those can be ironed out. Also, it’s worth noting that Nala was pretty smoking too. These lions sure know what’s up.

(additional consultation from CAK and EH)

Bugs is a lucky bunny.

1. Lola Bunny
Perhaps it’s just because Space Jam was such an astoundingly awesome movie of our childhood, but Lola easily seemed like the most natural choice for the most attractive cartoon character of all time. She’s unbelievably voluptuous for a bunny, but what makes her so freaking seductive is her basketball skills. An essential asset for the Tiny Toons in their unexpected victory over the Monstars, Lola is 3’2″ of pure animated beauty. Nuff said.