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Tag Archives: band

Jack White sues Miami Heat fans to never chant “Seven Nation Army” again

19 Nov

the_white_stripes_lyrics1Miami, Fla.–The most recent celebrity case to hit the courts comes from Jack White, who is as much of one half of the White Stripes as Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh were equal parts of the Big 3. The creator of the song “Seven Nation Army” has come out publicly stating that the city of Miami is to cease and desist from chanting his song lest they be sued for a reported figure of $1.2 billion dollars.

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Album Review: FIDLAR’S “FIDLAR” – LA Punks Take It To The Beach

9 Apr
The Miller High Life of rock (this is a good thing).

The Miller High Life of rock (this is a good thing).

Have you ever hummed the theme song to Hawaii Five-O and thought, “Man, I wish someone would start screaming over this”?  Do you sometimes listen to Weezer and find yourself thinking, “Mmm, this is good but I wish these darn lyrics weren’t so deep and metaphorical”?  (Sample Weezer lyric: “I’ve got an electric guitar / I play my stupid songs / I write these stupid words / And I love every one).

You should check out the LA surf-punk band FIDLAR.

“FIDLAR?” you ask.  “As in, ‘fidlar on the roof?’”

No, no.  In this case, FIDLAR is an acronym, which stands for Fuck It Dog, Life’s A Risk (a phrase made popular by skateboarders in FIDLAR’s hometown).

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The Four Most Embarrassing Things You Did as a Teenager

4 Apr
"Dude, Green Day are the Beatles of our generation."

“Dude, Green Day are the Beatles of our generation.”

Now that you’ve survived spending time at home with your younger relatives, all those old memories are coming back to you.  Remember your creepy loyal and unrequited love for The One, who dated the ugly skank with the stripper name instead of you?[1] Remember that time your stupid mean “friend” ditched the Fabulous Five Femme Fatales to go to Homecoming in her stupid boyfriend’s group and totally spent the whole dance frenching with him? Remember changing for gym class? Taylor Swift, why isn’t any of this in the song about being fifteen?

This, apparently, is what teenage siblings are for: to remind you of the awful weird bitchy creature you were just a few short years ago. And now you realize: everyone was probably really embarrassed on your behalf, too. Here’s a list of the things you really shouldn’t have been proud of.[2]

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We will have no more of your sorcery, Train: A review of Train’s album California 37

11 May

We will have no more of your sorcery, Train.

It seems unfair that this album will probably net more in profits than the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

I’m not sure that Pat Monahan is quite all there anymore. And by “not sure,” I mean he’s completely lost it. And by “anymore,” I mean have you heard the song “Meet Virginia?” (“Smokes a pack a day, but wait, that’s me, but anyways”…what exactly are you smoking a pack of, Pat?) He’s never been completely “with it,” as much as his rapping self would like you to believe. Droppin’ some beats and having a slightly societally acceptable voice does not mean that you are a songster, sir. Lyrics are a big part of the package, and lyrics that make sense usually increase your fan base. BUT WAIT. WHAT’S THAT, INTERNET!? TRAIN IS ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR BANDS OF OUR DAY?! AND THEY HAVE 3 GRAMMYS!?

WTF guys. We did this. We have no right to complain about musicians and kids these days when we made Pattycakes rich. We have been swayed by the upbeat pop melodies and use of the ever popular ukelele, but no more I say. Have you ever actually sat down and listened to a Train song? And actually thought about the lyrics? Well, probably not because you have midterms and friendships and sleep. But I am not human and so I did it for you. This is my review of the newest Train album, California 37, which should actually be called Pulling Random Words Out of a Bag to Make Sentences Now Here Comes the Ukelele!

WARNING: These are actual Train lyrics. I shit you not, friends. Do not be alarmed.

This’ll Be My Year
This is the new “We Didn’t Start the Fire!” JK! But don’t tell Pat that! He pretty much lists all of the 10 famous historical events that he remembers from school, oh did I say historical because he mentions Nintendo along with 9/11. Then he acts depressed. Don’t know how he could be, as he lives in a money house.

“I stopped believin’, although Journey told me ‘don’t”
Never disrespect Journey like that again. Sit down like a good boy and do as Journey says!

Drive By
This one starts out promising. Got a good beat, seems like it will be a sweet song about a boy meets girl. And it is…sort of. Then we get to the chorus…

“This is not a drive by,
Just a shy guy looking for a two ply hefty bag to hold my love”

Will single ply just not suffice to hold your metaphysical representation of love?

“There’s nothing up my sleeve but love for you”
Whoa, whoa, so the two ply STILL isn’t enough to hold all of your love? Shit, dude, you got an extreme case of the LUV.

Feels Good at First
This is where Pat tells us about his anterograde amnesia. Drew Barrymore is all like, “yeah I feel you, maybe move to Hawaii so you don’t feel so bad YOLO!”

“Every fire gets too close”
Not how that works. YOU get to close to the fire. Not the other way around.

“Every autumn colors come, that you’ve forgotten”
Red, yellow, orange, brown. Did I get them all? And it’s not even fall! Amazing that I could remember them.

50 Ways to Say Goodbye
This is the best song in the entire world. If the entire world consisted of Rebecca Black songs. I have been listening to it on repeat for a good 10 minutes trying to figure out what it is about (a true artist commits to her work), and from what I can tell it’s a wet dream of Pat’s where he imagines different ways in which his ex can suffer horrible deaths. But it’s not his fault! He’s just no good at goodbyes.

“She went down in an airplane, fried getting suntanned, fell in a cement mixer full of quick sand…she was caught in a mudslide, eaten by a lion (etc etc)”
These thoughts should be restricted to your therapist’s office and not played on the radio, for the love of humanity.

“How could you leave on Yom Kippur?”
Extensive research of Pat Monahan provides no evidence that he is actually, in fact, Jewish. But damn her just the same! He loved her as much as a garbage bag would hold!

“Got run over by a crappy purple Scion”
Don’t drag Scion into your heinousness, man. They don’t need this kind of publicity.

Did I mention that on Pat Monahan’s solo record he has a song called “Two Ways to Say Goodbye?” Guess he’s done more thinking since then.

You Can Finally Meet My Mom
This sounds sweet, right? Taking a girl home to meet his mother? Wrong. It’s about death. And all of the dead people he knows. And how he will be too busy to hang out with them in heaven because he will be hanging out with you. And his mom. Menage a what?

“Don’t cry when I die, when it’s my time I probably won’t die”
Who wants to explain this one to him?

“Life is good, but love it’s better, even Bieber ain’t forever”
Well let’s fucking hope not. But we were wrong about Train, so…

Now it’s time to list all the dead people I know! Better pick the most important ones! OMG here we go, Pat, make it count!

“Jimi Hendrix, Jesus, Chris Farley, Mr. Rodgers, Gilda Radner, Buddha, the dude who had pop rocks and soda at the same time, oh and I almost forgot my mom”
I think he nailed it.

Train: Making lonely wives and adolescent girls cream their pants since 1994.

Mermaid
Every man’s dream. Pat seems to think it actually happened. WHERE ARE HIS CALM DOWN PI PHI PILLS!?

“Can’t swim so I took a boat, to an island so remote, only Johnny Depp has ever been to it before”
Subtext: I’m as rich as fucking Johnny Depp

“Shocks, scream with envy, they wonder what you see in me”
$$$$$$$$$$$$

“Beauty in the water, angel on the beach, ocean’s daughter”
Ariel! It’s you! Unless he is fucking a fish. Which may not be too unlikely as this dude is cracked out as hell right now.

California 37
Rapping. He is rapping. He says bitch. He is Kanye Jr. He is wonderful. I love to hate it.

“Knock knock, who’s there? 2012 is a brand new year”
Awwww shit, Train is back yall. Did anyone miss them? No?

“Ding dong, the witch ain’t dead. She’s still tryin’ to take my bread
Four more years ‘til my girls are grown, then the bitch gonna have to leave me alone”

Clever! His ex-wife will never know this is about the alimony and child support he owes her!

The rest of the songs are too depressing to even poke fun at. You shouldn’t poke a sleeping bear, but you also shouldn’t poke a dying bear. Also, I’m realizing now that this article would probably cause a lot of people to google these ridiculous songs, so thanks for supporting me! Luh my fans like a baby loves a ball of yarn!
– Pat Monahan

Live at the Ave: The Welcome

13 Jan

I have only known one punctual drummer in my whole life. I think that he now plays in a Sonic Youth cover band in Beloit.

Although I am certain that The Welcome drummer Casey Harding is the most punctiliously prompt percussionist there ever was, he was delayed from our taping of this Live at the Ave session by a freak incident on Lower Wacker.

It turned out to be an excellent stroke of luck.

We ended up staying at The Welcome‘s apartment for hours on end, cooking dinner and talking about everything from the songwriting of Blink-182 to Social Security reform. When you’ve got a couple of hours to kill with a guy like Gehring Miller, the frontman of a four-piece that includes Sarah Johnson (vocals, keyboard, percussion), Jonah Kort (bass), and Casey Harding (drums), discussions about the intonation of the guitars at live Sleater-Kinney shows feel pretty natural and you’re no longer surprised to find yourself endorsing Def Leppard as a tremendously talented band.*

Casey Harding, Gehring Miller, Sarah Johnson, and Jonah Kort of The Welcome

The Welcome are coming off of a daring challenge, a project devoted to recording one EP a month for eight months. Recording and producing 31 songs in the time that it takes most freshmen to develop a tolerance, The Welcome constructed a discography that displays an inspired trove of skilled songwriting and musicianship. With EPs devoted to R. Kelly** covers and NPR and everything in between, the Chicago band displays their knack for finding poetry in the most disparate places, from magical socks to football, and the artistic value of frequently producing work of a high quality.

By the end of The Welcome’s final EP, Odds & Ends & Endings, it is clear that not only did the band make an impressive collection of music since the start of their project, but that they also have improved into a tight-knit and incredibly adept band that is capable of creating an abundance of compelling music in the future (starting with their next EP, slated for March).

And on top of that, they’re fucking killer cooks. Not to mention passionate Cholula addicts. Enjoy!

Sherman Ave is extraordinarily grateful to The Welcome for agreeing to this foray into multimedia, as well as Alexander Waldman for his help and support on this project.
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*Never before in my life have I ever wanted to listen to “Pour Some Sugar on Me” so bad.
**Fun Fact: Gehring Miller and Evander Jones attended the same high school as the female R. Kelly “allegedly” peed on.