Journalism Student Writes Article Defending Millennials While Vigorously Masturbating

Timothy, enjoying a chubby just thinking about the awareness raised by the #StopKony campaign.

EVANSTON, Ill. – While penning an opinion piece about why the generation of Americans aged 18-30 is in fact one of the hardest-working and most intelligent generations this country has ever seen, Northwestern student Timothy DeVaine (Medill, ’15) could not help but start tugging on his penis in a furious and fast-paced motion until he successfully reached orgasm.

Sources confirmed that DeVaine was not initially that excited as he typed the first paragraph of the piece on his Macbook Air, gifted to him by his parents in honor of his 3.4 cumulative GPA last year, a paragraph which read, “They’re self-absorbed.  They expect a reward for every little thing they do. 

Obama to commemorate JFK by sleeping with Kim Kardashian

via celebuzz.com

WASHINGTON– President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.

“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”

We Photoshopped Morty Into Famous Things So You Don’t Have To

Congress Harder on IDs After Shutdown Scare

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.

In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.

“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”

The new ID policy is so strict that even

Obama Renaming NFL Teams After Care Bears

WASHINGTON DC–According to an official White House release yesterday, President Barack Obama will be using his powers as head of the Executive Branch to perform an unprecedented overhaul of NFL nomenclature, renaming teams after characters in the cartoon series “Care Bears.”

“This entire country is goddamn sick of having to deal with Native Americans

The Netflix Treatment: Which Other Shows Should Be Resurrected?

Arrested Development caused more of an uproar this weekend than an Apache-themed party at the Arizona capitol building, making every social media account the dumping ground for half-assed references to the banana stands and one-armed men. It’s nice to know that everyone can spoil the fun at the same time! Binge-watching is the new hip thing like moms in bell-bottom jeans or Hillary Duff’s clothing line at Kohl’s. It’s has the fun addictive properties of cocaine and the similar benefits of alienation from friends.

With Ronald Reagan out of the White House and his crack battle long over, there’s no stopping this infectious streaming disease. Plus Barry dug the shit out

The 5 Artists Most Likely to Fill the Final Two Dillo Day Slots

As Dillo Day approaches, the Northwestern Student body at large is counting the days and wondering: who will be the final two acts?  With the announcements that both Walk the Moon and Danny Brown will be performing, along with the expected announcement of Smash Mouth, students and arbitrary townies of Evanston now wait with baited breath to learn who else will be whetting their Dillo palates.  After extensive research and multiple FOIA requests, we at Sherman Ave have narrowed the list of potential performers down to five artists who we believe, while they may not all be fan favorites, are the acts that are most likely to fill those spots.  In no particular order:

“Daft Punk has a new album coming out? I didn’t know that!” – Nobody

1. Daft Punk
With their new album Random Access Memories set for a May 17^th release, what better place to promote it than at the spring festival for a medium-sized private university in Evanston, Illinois?  Not only would Dillo Day be excellent exposure for the grossly under-promoted French electronic duo, but such a gig would be a great platform from which to kick off a surprise tour of North America.  Daft Punk would most likely be the nighttime headliner, and, not to editorialize, but such a slot could prove problematic for the duo, as they would have to fill the very large shoes of last year’s nighttime headliner, Steve Aoki.  Speaking of which…

The Twatties: The Best of the Worst of Twitter in 2012

Well, 2012 is drawing to a close, which can only mean one thing: it’s year-end recap season!  If you are at all well-versed in the world of journalism (and if so why in the name of all that is holy are you reading this), you are currently being inundated with best-of and worst-of lists to summarize a year that you just lived through and remember perfectly well.  It’s all very trivial, so in keeping with that spirit, my end-of-year recap will focus on that all-consuming swamp of triviality, Twitter!

Now, there are some truly remarkable Tweeters who deserve the ultimate #FF, from Rob Delaney to Megan Amram to Ezra Klein to Ryan Kearney, but expounding on my praise of them wouldn’t be very fun or snarky, would it?  So instead, I give you the first annual Twattie Awards, honoring the most heinous, vile, or unintentionally hilarious individuals of the Twitterverse!  And the winners are:

Petraeus’s replacement: Anyone who uses Snapchat

In the wake of David Petraeus’s sexy resignation from the head of the CIA, President Barack Obama has been left looking for potential replacements. The speculation has been rampant, with pundits all over the Chevy Chase area chiming in about whom they would prefer secretly listens to their phone calls without a warrant in the coming years.

You could cut the sexual tension in here with a drilldo.

The Sherman Ave 2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game: Town Hall Edition

Well, democracy is back in action tomorrow night, and as such you will likely want to cry a lot about all of the things. But you should not do that. Instead, you should do what I do when I feel sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story!

You know how you can be awesome (besides applying to write for The Ave)? By playing fun games with us. This fun game is funner than most fun games because it involves the drinks! So sit on down, grab a beverage, turn on the debate, play The Sherman Ave 2012 Presidential Debate Drinking Game, and pretend you have a friend.

THIS MUTHAFUCKAS NAME IS MITT.

Take one sip every time…

• Obama brings up the 47% video. Take two sips if he’s obviously really proud of himself for remembering to bring up Romney’s biggest gaffe this time around.
• Romney shouts “JUST LIKE LAST TIME, BITCH” after every zinger.
• Either candidate says “middle class,” “unemployment,” “economy,” “Libya,” “labia,” “Iraq,” “hein-daddy,” “taxes,” “Kim Kardashian,” “hard-working,” “butt-chugging,” “failure,” “turnaround,” “recovery,” “recovering alcoholic,” or “America.”
• Obama chugs a Red Bull.
• Romney responds to a question by playing a clip of the last debate on his iPad. Waterfall if after he exits out of the video everyone can see desktop background and it’s a picture of a scantily-clad Michelle Obama and then everyone’s like, “SAY WHAAA NOW??”
• An audience member asking a question looks like they just shat themselves a lot.
• The grammar in an audience member’s question makes you want to punch the young children.
• Obama criticizes Romney’s record at Bain Capital. Two sips if Romney responds by making it rain.
• Either millionaire on stage explains how they too were once one of The Poors.

Take one gulp every time…

Excuse me, my sunglasses are UP HERE.

• The cameraman finds a hot girl in a halter-top in the bleachers to show instead of the game.
• Obama and Romney talk over each other.
• Romney talks about Paul Ryan, or Obama avoids talking about Joe Biden.
• Romney flips. Two gulps when he flops.
• Obama takes a nap at the podium.
• Romney asks is he has a “phone a friend” option and tries to call Sheldon Adelson. Two gulps if Adelson makes him clarify that Romney is an “employee” not a “friend.”

Finish that drank every time…

• The audience breaks into a flash mob to “I Want Candy” and lol this whole election was actually part of an elaborate gag to throw a surprise birthday party for debate moderator Candy Crowley and I think it worked haha she looks so surprised!!!
• Obama orders a drone strike on every state Mitt Romney claims he’s from.
• Romney buys the White House.
• Donald Trump is mentioned.
• Obama brings Biden in to celeb shot the answer to an abortion question.

Pour your drink all over your face and let it drip slowly down your chest every time…

• The candidates shake hands. DO IT.

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