Dunkin’ Donuts to be Removed from Norris; Administration: “April Fools!”

Chen also pointed out that the fine print barely visible in this image’s bottom left-hand corner reads “also leaving this spring.” (via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il. – The Norris Student Center at Northwestern University announced this morning that the recently-added Dunkin’ Donuts restaurant in the student center’s bottom floor will be discontinued only a day after it opened, as it was in fact all part of a long-planned April Fools joke by the administration.

“Man, you suckers really fell for it,” NU Cuisine Chief of Operations Zachary Chen commented. “You think we would actually impede on Frontera Fresco’s space? They need the entire Norris lower level to make those delicious, fifteen-dollar sandwiches.”

When asked why NU Cuisine, Norris, and Northwestern as a whole would play such a joke on its student body, a joke that one could consider cruel and unusual, Chen replied “because fuck you, that’s why. You’re gonna eat what we give you, and that’s final. What other choice do you have? The Einstein’s on Clark? Ha ha, ok; have fun waiting twenty minutes to get a bagel there.”

In unrelated news, Norris announced that it would also begin charging students a toll of $1.50 to visit Lakefill on days when the temperature is above 73 degrees Fahrenheit, just for the hell of it.

______________________________________________________

Like donuts?  Are a donut?  Apply to write for Sherman Ave!!!

 

 

The Best Places To Take A Shit On Campus

“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead

Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.

It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

The 5 Historical Figures You’d Least Like To See at a Frat Party

Hmmm... why don't you make that THREE kegs of Busch Light

5. Henry Kissinger
I love getting into heated political discussions whilst heavily inebriated as much as the next guy, but there comes a point when you have to draw the line. Yes, Henry Kissinger was one of the greatest political thinkers of the 20th century, but that by no means gives him a place at a frat party. First of all, the guy is older than balls. We must consider the rule of three: If someone has lived to see three presidents die in office, they are too old to set foot in a frat house. Additionally, we must consider the other rule of three: If someone has spent three or more years of their life working under the Nixon administration, they are too heinous to set foot in a frat house.

4. William Howard Taft
Oh, for fuck’s sake! These things are already crowded enough. If we throw a 400-pound man into the mix, we’re completely forfeiting our ability to move. If he was excessively overweight but also cool, like Buddha, then it would be worth sacrificing our mobility, but in reality, he’s just a complete twat. And worse yet, knowing that the presidency didn’t satisfy Taft, and he became a member of the Supreme Court after his presidency, it’s probable that he would not be satisfied by frat parties, and would find it necessary to go The Keg afterwards – another establishment that is already too crowded and doesn’t need yet another morbidly obese man further clogging up the place.

I need a drink, and I need it NOW!

3. Susan B. Anthony
There are some things that feminists simply should not see. The 21st century is one of them. If Susan B. Anthony were to tragically find herself on the 3rd floor of SAE, there are a few possible outcomes. The most likely result is that she would spend about five minutes observing the social phenomenon before her, and then spend the remainder of the party obnoxiously screaming about the oppression of women. However, there’s always the off-chance that she would follow the mold, get unnecessarily trashed, and wake up the next morning on the roof of Swift next to some rando from Pike. Regardless, rather than experimenting with the frat scene, she would be better off where she is now: on the front of gold dollars that stopped being minted in 2001.

2. Charles Dickens
If Dickens couldn’t stand the living conditions of post-industrial England, there’s no way he could stand the living conditions of the DU basement. People go to frat parties to be social, not to watch some elderly British assbag sitting in a corner writing in a romanticized manner about the hardships of being dateraped. However, if Dickens were to experience a frat party, it would very likely have had a tremendous effect on his novels. Oliver Twist would have been ejected from his workhouse not for requesting more food, but for pregaming an 18-hour work shift. Other novels, such as Nicholas Nicklebro and A Tale of Two Titties, would even further deviate from Dickens’ traditional literary style.

Columbus wearing the traditional "party foul" tricorn hat

1. Christopher Columbus
For those of us who have been to frat parties at Northwestern, we know that there are already enough people on power-trips – doormen, bartenders, Sir Twattingworth III, and the like. The last thing we need is some dickbasket walking in, claiming the dilapidated ZBT house in the name of King Ferdinand of Spain, and transmitting diseases to sorority girls (syphilis, PiPhilis, GammaPhilis, etc.). Furthermore, his methods of colonization would hardly work at a frat party; the amount of germs being exchanged is already maximized, and it’s far too hot for anyone to accept a blanket. That being said, there’s something very charming about the notion of three wooden ships landing on North Beach.

Hate a Random Country: Costa Rica

One of the numerous heinous individuals populating this tainthole of a country

A few weeks ago, a member of our presteinous (that’s prestigiously heinous, if you’re wondering) blog was approached at an off-campus party and asked if we would write an installment of our unnecessarily abrasive “Hate a Random Country” series on his home country, Costa Rica. The member of the blog, who was most certainly not Evander Jones, got down from the table on which he was exuberantly belly-dancing and happily agreed to have the article written. That being said, this article is not being written only by request – it’s being written because Costa Rica is home to a massive concentration of twatitude that can be rivaled only by the Seneca Falls Convention.

“Costa Rica” is a country similar to “Democratic Republic of Congo,” in that its name in no way reflects the country itself. Spanish for “Rich Coast,” Costa Rica is truly only rich in two things: Trees and tainthood. I’ll focus mostly on the tainthood.

Red, white, and blue!? BRILLIANT!!!

For those of us who don’t give a flying fuckstick about shithole countries like Costa Rica, it may be a surprise to learn that the currency in Costa Rica is the “colón” – presumably named for either the human colon or Cristobal Colón, a.k.a. Christopher Columbus. After all, who wouldn’t want their currency named after a raging cockbottle who exploited their people? For fuck’s sake, Costa Rica. You don’t see Cherokees running around paying with Jacksons, or Northwestern’s defense running around paying with Anyones. Worse yet, the abbreviation for the Costa Rican Colón is, surprisingly enough, CRC – an acronym that, to Northwestern students, encompasses nearly all the School of Comm’s limitless atrociousness.

Besides their poorly-named currency, the country with a president named “Chinchilla” boasts many more aspects worth scrutinizing. For example, its coat of arms is the feeblest display of culture I’ve seen since Kappa Sig went to the Shedd Aquarium. The image consists of several features:

Contrary to initial beliefs, this is not a 5th Grade Social Studies project

• A landmass.  Presumably representing Costa Rica, the landmass is a strip of land with three unnaturally phallic geographic features.
• Two bodies of water.  Divided by the landmass, they likely represent the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.  Because clearly, Costa Rica is the only fucking country that borders two oceans.
• Two ships.  Likely representing the Nina and the Pinta.  Or the Nina and the Santa Maria.  Or the Pinta and Santa Maria.  Or maybe just two generic coming-to-totally-fuck-your-people-over ships.
• A banner over the top reading “America Central.”  Apparently, no one ever informed these dumbshits that it’s called “Central America.”

The only thing rivaling Costa Rica's lack of defense is the Northwestern secondary

Perhaps the most unique fact about Costa Rica is that they don’t have a military.  Yes, you heard me.  To show you the full impact of this absurdity, allow me to put it into perspective.  On Monday nights, the backdoor of the Keg is more protected than the nation of Costa Rica.  On weekend nights, Burger King’s line-forming traditions are more protected than the nation of Costa Rica.  Two hammered college students bumping uglies in the basement of ZBT are more protected than the nation of Costa Rica.

You know, you’d think that a country bordering Nicaragua and Panama wouldn’t look too bad. But Costa Rica did it. And to be honest, that’s the one feat of Costa Rica that honestly impresses me. The nation’s four all-time Olympic medals aren’t impressive. The national soccer team’s four visits to the World Cup aren’t impressive. But damn – those Costa Ricans sure do know how to make themselves look like dickbrains. Well done, Costa Dickbrains. Well done.

Commissioned Report Reveals Northwestern “Dangerously Susceptible” to a Zombie Outbreak

EVANSTON, IL — In a shocking revelation that is sure to cause much consternation among the Northwestern student body, President Morty Schapiro released the details of a sweeping investigation into the University’s safeguards against a potential zombie apocalypse and pre-existing emergency procedures. The prognosis? Not good.

One day you're just watching a live Human Sexuality demonstration, and the next, BAM! You're nailing a zombie with a crowbar

In a stern rebuke of Northwestern’s zombie preparedness, the report, provided by the Roosevelt Institute’s chapter Research on Zombie Affairs (or “RZA” for short), disclosed that the University is not only “Dangerously Susceptible” to a potential zombie outbreak, but also remains woefully unprepared to defend itself against hordes of the flesh-devouring walking dead. The 700-page document produced by RZA methodically outlines all of the Northwestern’s potential weaknesses, and suggests methods to better protect the undergraduate population. University officials, however, were quick to address the report.

“I am not at liberty to discuss this matter at the moment,” Dean of Students Burgie Howard said at an emergency press conference this morning, “But rest assured that the Administration is doing everything in its power to protect its students and faculty from vicious humanoid brain-eaters.”

According to the report, much of the concern centers around the basement of Tech, long rumored to be the location of covert government-funded experimentation on flesh re-animation. With relatively few safeguards protecting against the hubris of man, the over-reaching arm of science, or the spread of a zombification pandemic of global proportions, many experts have wondered how Northwestern has gone so long without an outbreak. The RZA’s analysis worries that, in the event that an experiment goes terribly awry and even one zombie leaves the basement of Tech (assuming, of course, that it can navigate its way out, a task that’s hard enough for most sentient liberal arts majors), the premeds and engineers would be too beaten down from their coursework to properly ward off even a relatively mild zombie attack.

With a potential zombie apocalypse under way, the report moves on to question the University’s ability to prevent the proliferation of the walking dead. From Tech, a horde in search of delicious human flesh would have to stumble no more than a few yards to feast in the fraternity quad or SPAC, increasing in size and athleticism as the feeding frenzy continued. A defenseless south campus would quickly fall, leaving the entire metropolis of Chicago (just a short El ride away!) in imminent danger of being consumed by an uncontrolled throng of zombified undergrads with a serious case of the munchies.

Expect to see this taped to sidewalks everywhere

Questions regarding Northwestern’s potential capacity to defend itself have also been raised by the RZA report. With a majority of the student population hailing from suburban Illinois, New York, and California, few undergrads have the proper combat experience or post-apocalyptic survival know-how to withstand a threat of this magnitude. Combined with strict gun-control, hostile Evanston residents, and terrain flatter than a Nebraska wheat field, the school seems cosmically screwed in the event of a zombie outbreak.

The report has left University officials scrambling to respond to the revelations. Anonymous sources have noted that, under the direction of the newly appointed Zombie Defense Minister Evan Watkins, the school is reexamining its current zombie defense strategy, which involves barricading all uninfected students and faculty in the library while food, weapons, and Woody Harrelson are parachuted in to ward off an attack. Proposed revisions to the defense strategy include upgrading from Harrelson to Will Smith, diverting money from the current capital campaign to construct a $2,000,000,000 bunker in the current location of the Norris Student Center, or simply letting President Morty loose on the zombies wielding nothing but a chain saw.

Northwestern has also already begun implementing smaller changes to boost zombie preparedness, naming The Zombie Survival Guide as next year’s One Book, One Northwestern, placing copies of Left for Dead in every dorm, frat, and sorority, and offering flame thrower lessons as Norris Mini-Courses. All students have been issued electronic warnings of the present danger, and have been instructed to shoot any frat brother on sight who claims to be on the prowl for a “warm piece of flesh,” or exhibits any other characteristics of the walking dead, such as uncoordinated shambling, incoherent moaning, or poor hygiene. Student response has been mixed so far.

“Oh my God! OH MY GOD! HOLY FUCKING SWEET BABY JESUS DON’T LET ME DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!”

said Weinberg Junior Alison Barnes, before purchasing a double-barreled shotgun off the back of a pickup truck.

But SESP Senior Mike Harding had a different take on the report.

“Zombies are still humans, and deserve to be treated with love and respect just like anybody else. They still have rights, you know,” Harding said. “And you know what? I find the term ‘zombie’ to be grotesquely offensive. My colleagues and I prefer the term ‘the animated deceased’ in polite company.”

Regardless of the fallout from the report, most agree that the best possible mode of action for Northwestern is to recognize the grave threat of a zombie apocalypse occurring right in the midst of our own hallowed grounds, and endorse a strong policy of zombie defense and preparedness.