Happy Chick-Fil-A Day: 3 Things that are Actually Destroying the Sanctity of Marriage in America

Hmmmmm……..

Happy Chick-Fil-A day!

First, I’m going to point out that bitching about how someone’s interpretation of the Bible is wrong isn’t going to change their beliefs. Then I’m going to bitch about anti-gay crusaders’ interpretation of the Bible.

“The sanctity of marriage,” according to my translation of some people’s opinion, is a statement that presumably means that marriage is a Rull Special Thang. By letting just anyone marry, it’s not Rull Special anymore. Okay, got it. But the strategy so far (convert every LGBTQ in America by invalidating their feelings and telling them that they’re aberrations?) hasn’t really worked. If we’re gonna go down the road of preserve-marriage-by-making-it-only-available-to-some, we should bar a few others as well. Or just assassinate them, cause I’d be down with that.

1. Bruno Mars
Finish this sentence:

“It’s a beautiful night. We’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I want to __.”

Get Northwasted with ShermanAviators and attempt to pee on every building on campus while singing an impromptu a capella Katy Perry/Adele mashup? No, I’m sure you’re aware that that’s Ross Packingham’s sole purpose in life. Host a Winnie the Pooh-themed squaredance and kidnap someone’s mom because you want an even number to play Flipcup? No, that doesn’t rhyme. Beat the shit out of a homeless dude? Apparently at least three assholes who need to die painfully are into that, but the author and vessel of these words has a much more sinister plot.  Bruno Mars, who according to a recent poll has swiped the v-cards of 35% of teenage girls during their algebra daydreams,* wants to marry you.

…the fuck??

Look, B-mizzle, your name and your voice sound like they belong to a small ugly dog or a European pseudo-manslut. I’m sick of hearing your song about a completely uneventful day. And the assholes in this world who are offended by two people enjoying one anothers’ penises should really just calm the fuck down and be offended by Bruno Mars instead. This Motherfucker is partaking in the drink of the devil and clearly hasn’t asked her father’s permission. I’d mention that love isn’t exactly a central theme of the song, but the sacred kinds of marriage are apparently built on sanctity and not love, or no one would GAF.

Hell, at least Train was going to wait until he got the nerve to say hello in that café.

Hello Cleaveland!!!

2. Kim Kardashian
I wish that, for every small child that was given a homophobic protest sign by a Bigoted Motherfucker, another small child would be given a sign that said, “For the love of whatever God you believe in, stop media coverage of this woman.” While I congratulate her on having an admirable pair of boobies, only a woman desperate for companionship would marry someone who has the word “hump” in his name. She has also casually tossed the idea around of marrying her current beau, and I am convinced that living with Kanye West would be almost as bad as reading Ross Packingham’s Facebook powertrips.

Look, let’s all just agree that the Kardashian family is a few hookers short of a brothel and one letter short of a really fucked-up set of initials. Now who wants to take bets on when the number of how many weddings she’s had will exceed her bust measurement?

3. Anyone in Las Vegas
Enough said.

 

I will conclude this pathetic rant with the semi-relevant words of Commandant Leo Sextoi: “Bitches be too pretentious and uptight.”

 

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is heinous. The other is as though everything is heinous.” – Albert Einstein

 

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*second only to Justin Bieber, who regularly performs cunnilingus on young women while they avoid focusing on whatever the fuck their stupid English teacher is saying.

5 Reasons Why We Hate the Republican Primaries

An even larger collection of pricks than the one on display each morning at Norbucks

There’s no two ways about it: the Republican Primaries suck. Every time I see coverage of the primaries on television, I’m blinded by a white rage brighter than, well, the skin of the Republican candidates. If you share this anger and don’t know why, allow me to try to explain some possible reasons for your fury:

5. The Jokes
Want to know what’s not funny? Republicans. Want to know what’s worse than not funny Republicans? Not funny Republicans making stupid jokes. I swear, every time one of them gets on a roll, they decide it’s time for their own little one man show. It might be some little quip like, “I haven’t seen numbers that low since statistics on Romney’s job creation as governor.” Or it may be some drawn out criticism of how big-headed Newt Gingrich is while the candidate resists the urge to just call him a fat fuck. We all know the only thing the Republican candidates find funny is discrimination and poverty, so why don’t they just stop with the jokes and spend a few more seconds shutting the fuck up?

There goes your chances of reenacting "My Date With the President's Daughter"

4. Jon Huntsman Doesn’t Stand a Chance
Honestly, there is no such thing as a good Republican candidate for president right now, but Jon Huntsman is the closest thing to it this year — and he’s just getting shit on. I get it: Republicans decided, in a nation trying to progress in policies and beliefs, to select the dumbest, most backwards-thinking assholes they could to run for president this year. But really? I mean, really??? The one guy who isn’t a complete fuck-up is just getting destroyed out there while being mercilessly driven to the right. And have you even seen his daughters?

3. Rick Perry is Still Speaking
What the fuck? I understand free speech is an important value in America, but can someone please just make this guy disappear or something? I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I think it would be a really cool idea if people who are just intolerant wastes of space and air didn’t get to speak to a nationally-televised audience. Maybe I’m wrong… No. I’m not. I’m not sure of many things, but I am sure Rick Perry is not fit to speak about becoming president of the United States unless we’ve gone back in time to the 1800’s.

Gingrich is one of the few men who are probably even worse than Tebow at throwing a football 20 yards

2. We’re Forced to Hear about States That Don’t Mean Anything
Let’s be real honest here, since when does anyone give a fuck about Iowa or New Hampshire? Last time I heard, never. Even the people who live in those states realize they don’t mean anything to anyone anywhere. So why are a bunch of taint-stains on Fox News acting like I should care about those insignificant little places? The only thing that matters less than those states is the Republican Primaries, so why do I have to endure hours of those two things being combined? Next someone’s going to tell me I should care about football teams not controlled by God. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I don’t give a shit if the 49er’s do have a great run defense, until Jesus shows up on the field in the form of a stiff arm allowing an 80 yard touchdown in OT, I just don’t care. In fact, I might actually care about the Republican primaries if there was a little more Tebow. But there isn’t, so I don’t.

1.  It’s Just Wasting Time that Could Be Spent Listening to Obama’s Plans for His Second Term
There’s no way in Hell any Republican could win in the general election, so why waste time listening to a bunch of old, white assholes harp about the plight of the struggling upper-class business owner? How about we just tell Obama he won the election, allow him to transform this country for the better, and enjoy our lives? Maybe if we spent more time allowing people with good ideas to help the country and less time dicking around discussing which rich white guy is more unfit to run the country, we might, I don’t know, do something good for the first time in a long ass time. It’s just an idea.