ASG Int’l Blitzkrieg Campaign Remains Unappeased

Because haircuts should mirror bird plummage

Strutting through an Italian plaza (if you don’t strut they won’t know you’re American) the other day, I was enjoying just another day in the life. Curses from the enfeebled elderly couple I elbowed out of my way, glares from the feathered mohawk Euro-bag regarding my outfit of baggy jeans and a North Face, and the utter contempt of the only people who know English here, the miserably poor Indian men marketing their shitty lighters (luckily they can understand “Today’s just like yesterday, asshole, I ain’t buyin’”). When, lo, to my surprise, I was warmly greeted by a friendly, well-fed, terribly-dressed collegian.

“Hey, I’m out supporting Ani for ASG President, and we’re really interested in how annual term study-abroad students can have their Northwestern Experience brought to the next level!”

Blown away by the touching interest that ASG campaigners take in their student body, I spat on the ground and cursed “No one wants you here, gypsy” in Italian. I was completely flabbergasted and responded in the fashion of my new motherland (in fact the elderly couple from earlier witnessed the whole exchange and sweetly clasping my hand they said “Damn Albanians”).

Freshman Cites “Delicious Eclairs” In Voting For Benison

It’s only phallic if you make it phallic. Or if the caption includes the word “phallic.”

EVANSTON– Freshman Andrea Mathers said Tuesday she was excited to vote for Benison Choi for ASG president because she believes he will bring the kind of “whipped cream frosting this campus so desperately needs.”

She also insisted that Benison is uniquely qualified for the position because of the experience he brings to the table, particularly as the campus pushes for more diversity.

“I mean, Benison has like 20 different flavors of everything,” Mathers said. “And then there’s pies and cakes and cookies and pastries. It’s seriously the most diverse thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”