Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The 13 Types of People You’ll Meet in College

Not listed: That Guy.

1. The Walking College Stereotype

Every sitcom and movie involving college students likes to portray them as rigidly focused students looking for their way in life during the day, and uncontrollable party animals at night. On Wednesday days at 3 A.M., they’re at the library struggling to stay awake – and on Saturday nights they’re at the bar struggling to stay standing. They’ll pull at least two all-nighters every week, eat ramen or fast food for every lunch and dinner, and get blackout drunk every weekend. Some people are like this for the first couple weeks of their freshman year – and others are this person for the entirety of their college lives; however, one thing is certain: you will come across someone like this at some point in college.

2. Mr. or Mrs. Pre-Professional

This person is always working towards some goal that they had in their childhood.  They’re in the pre-med class, the pre-med fraternity, the pre-med club, and even the pre-med field hockey team. It’s impossible to talk to this person without eventually hearing “When I’m a doctor,” or “When I’m at Harvard Law.” The entirety of their life revolves around their future, and they won’t let you forget it.

How to survive a walk down Sheridan Road

Always stay vigilant of your surroundings

Let’s face it: you didn’t come to Northwestern because you’re good at socializing. You probably came here because you got a 33 on your ACT, placed in the semifinals of Scholastic Bowl, and get offended when Harry Potter placement quizzes dare to put you in Gryffindor (RAVENCLAW 4 LYFE BRAH).

Yet I’m sure your social skillz have blossomed beautifully over the last few months or years. Just the other day I saw a friend on a shuttle and managed to sit next to him and hold polite conversation for 30 whole seconds without saying the word “scrotum!” So that was successful.

But, since not all social interactions can go that smoothly, I’ve decided to try and bestow some advice on the most socially difficult situation an NU student can run into: seeing someone you know on Sheridan Road.

Here’s what to do in a variety of situations:

Someone you’ve never met, but you know who they are:
DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. Look down or up or at your phone or to the side or pretty much anywhere but into their corneas. If you’re particularly socially able, engage in conversation with the person you’re walking with. This will make it less obvious that you are feverishly watching the other person in your peripheral vision.

Someone you’ve met once or twice:
Depending on how the last interaction went, it may be acceptable to wave or say a quick “hi.” This is certainly not required, and the other person should not be offended if you do not do so. But if the last encounter you had was pleasant and social you should feel free to greet them briefly as you pass. However, this is NOT a situation where you stop and say, “How ARE you? Ugh, I feel like we haven’t talked in forever! Let’s get Kafein soon!”

Socializing in a simpler time

Someone you know casually, as in from a party or through a mutual friend:
Say hello and wave. This is an opportunity to make a friend! If they seem particularly excited, you can throw in a “How are ya?” or “How’ve you been?” After several of these encounters and if the blooming friendship seems consensual, you can stop to talk or add a little more to the conversation.

Someone who you drunkenly met and hung out with at a party:
Oh God this can be awkward. First, how sure are you that they even remember you? If they were potentially blacked out, do not make eye contact unless they prompt it. If you’re sure they remember you and you didn’t do anything awkward, wave casually and maybe smile. If, however, it was one of those terrific drunken nights where you bond on the roof of Swift, feel free to be more enthusiastic. If you’re both still just glad to be alive, perhaps share a knowing laugh. If you ended the night by promising to become bestiez and exchanging numbers, you should probably hug. You are bestiez now, after all.

Someone you’ve hung out with several times:
Say hi. Try to be normal. Hopefully you have something to talk about for a moment. If not try “How ARE you? Ugh, I feel like we haven’t talked in forever! Let’s get Kafein soon!”

A friend of yours:
I usually go with “WAZZUP BROSEF STALIN, HOW YOU BE HANGING MAYN?!”. You may choose to be less heinous if you wish, but if that’s your goal I don’t really understand why you’re reading this.

One of your best friends:
Pretend to ignore them. This is hilarious every time and never gets old.

That kid who lived in your hall last year but you never talked to:
Stare at the sidewalk. The sidewalk is so fucking interesting. Oh, is that a flyer for the SASA Show? Why yes it is. That must be the most fucking fascinating flyer you’ve ever seen. Absorb it into your brainmind.

A professor you once had:
Wink. Please. Just do it and then tell me how it went and whether or not they immediately made violent love to you.

Don't worry, it wasn't very good for her either.

A girl you hooked up with last year:
Are you past the awkward stage? If so, act like it’s a friend. If not, act like it’s a kid who lived in your hall last year but you never talked to.

A girl you knocked up last year:
PAY HER CHILD SUPPORT. STOP RUNNING AWAY. THIS IS YOUR CHILD TOO AND IT NEEDS A FATHER. MAN UP YOU LITTLE BITCH.

A kid in your discussion section:
If you sit near each other and talk often, wave and/or say hi. If you don’t really talk but think they could be your soulmate, slowly drift over toward them. As you approach you’ll have two options: either grab them forcefully and run off, physically taking them with you, or bump into them and say “Sorry! Oh, you’re in my Human Sex lecture aren’t you? I’m sure we’d make great Human Sex.” Both of these should work.

Now, it’s important to remember that all of this is dependent on timing. No matter who the other person is, if you start looking at them too early or too late the encounter will be awkward and Northwesternish. Try to make eye contact no more than six steps in advance and no fewer than four. This way even an awkward encounter will be over quickly, but if you decide you’re enjoying it you can stop and make it last longer. Wait. Guys. That sounded sexual. Please don’t have intercourse on Sheridan.

Your Monthly HorrorScopes

Photo courtesy of Ross Packingham and Ginger LeatherDream

Congratulations! Everyone’s having a pretty good month! Except for Pisces, that’s what you get for being an attention whore who steals my paper thesis and claims it as your own! (How do you live with yourself!?)

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This month, take some time to focus on you. Take a bath, watch a movie, finally get around to burying that body. LOL JK! But there is a fresh dirt path in the park on Grove, approximately 10 feet, from the SW corner, and shovels are on sale this week at Ace Hardware. Pro tip: If you wear a fluorescent orange vest people will assume it’s community service! Happy “planting!”

Things to avoid saying: “I confess”

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You may or may not die in a horrible, horrible terrorist attack on the El. You probably deserve it.

Your lucky day: Not Wednesday

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
When Jupiter moves into the apex of Croatia’s left nut, expect good fortune at your feet. That’s right, your new plaid Sperry’s Top Siders finally arrived in the mail! Your fraternity brethren will be drooling with envy, but they will have the last laugh when the snow disintegrates them by the weekend. But, of course, you will be too drunk to notice.

Things to avoid: KKD, DDD, DZ…you know what you’ve done

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You’re at the crossroads of what is sure to be a long journey. Question is, do you watch the video of the panda sneezing set to dubstep, or the new “Shit Adorable Kittens Say After Their Baths?” You also have a midterm paper worth 40% of your grade due tomorrow, but we all know that’s not happening. Pop another caffeine pill and watch them both. Six times.

Your lucky time of day: 7:34 pm (Brian will smile at you in Norbucks!!!)

Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Your month begins with a surprise, as the long lost twin sister you never knew you had shows up at your door! (All Geminis are twins, right? That’s how this works?) Even better news: She’s smokin’ hot! As a dude, you know it’s your right, nay, your responsibility to nail her. As a lady, it’s still your job to nail her and film it. Make it black and white, add come captions in a language you made up, and there’s a good chance you can get it into Sundance. If not, at least into the hearts of a few boys in AEPi. Oh, and all of this is definitely not weird at all.

Things to avoid: Taking your sister on a date to see “Shame”

Cancer (Jun 22- Jul 22)
Financial woes have been weighing heavily on your mind, but due to Saturn coming out of the closet, your problems suddenly vanish! Don’t question your roommates newfound money flow, just politely volunteer to peddle his “product” for him. And those little bags of white powder he’s been leaving around the house? I’ve seen enough episodes of Breaking Bad to know that is definitely NOT meth or weed, so stop worrying that you’re a “drug dealer” and start thinking of yourself as a “businessman!” Kellogg, Shmellogg.

Your lucky street name: Chet Haze

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Looks like it’s a good time for love! Just not for you, but I’m sure your best friend and girlfriend, whoops, EX-girlfriend, will be very happy together. It’ll all be okay! Turn off the Adele, stop licking cookie crumbs from the bag, and GROW A DICK. Maybe then you could keep a girl around long enough for her to see it, too.

Things to avoid: Admitting that you watch Say Yes to the Dress

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Everyone agrees you are the best, so why can’t your TA see it too? Did she really expect you to turn in that silly little 10-page paper about the Russian Revolution through the eyes of Tina Fey when you were busy catching up on Mad Men? And your theatre professor didn’t take too kindly to your idea of “sleeping as performance art,” but don’t fret! There’s still time to bring your grades up before Mommy and Daddy take away your new Lexus. Take one for the team, and bang that nerdy, silent girl from down the hall. She’s got a 4.0 average, and you’ll have 4.0 less things to worry about.

Your lucky charm: No bookworm girl can resist a man in thick-framed glasses!

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23)
Zeus is pissed at Snooki, which parallels your current relationship with your roommate. She’ll hit her breaking point near the end of the month, after you “borrowed-my-favorite-scarf-again-I’ll-kill-you-you-bitch-don’t-even!” You could take the high road (don’t ask ME how to get there, though) and apologize, perhaps buying her dinner to make up for it. But my real advice? Hit the road, girl, and ask for a room transfer. That’s what you get for living in drama-heavy Elder. Pick a nice, quiet, place like ISRC, where you can almost guarantee no one will ever talk back to you. You will be their queen! Enjoy your newfound power!

Things to avoid: Doing the dirty on your roomie’s bed

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
Let’s play good news/bad news. Good news! The Tsar has been overthrown! The revolution is over! Huzzah! I’ll tell the people of 1917 you’re very happy for them. Bad news: meanwhile, in 2012, your family dog gets hit by a truck. Good news: He wasn’t really your dog! Bad news: I’m joking. (Too soon?) Good news: He didn’t have cancer! Bad news: You do.

Your lucky charms: will taste bitter after you learn the news

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The B-list stars are aligning, which means that this month is a good time to expand your talents. Take a pottery class, pick up the harmonica, try swallowing fire while juggling swords and riding a unicycle. Naked. Trust me, I watch Grey’s Anatomy which basically means I’m a doctor. And if these new escapades don’t work out, don’t be discouraged! Just get right back out there and try, try again once you’re released from the hospital!

Things to avoid: Nothing! Stare death in the face while flipping him off!

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The smell of a blooming romance is in the air! At least that’s what you think. Turns out to be the rotten Joy Yee’s leftovers on the bottom shelf of your fridge. But hey! At least you (probably) won’t die alone, your cat happens to love the smell of Chinese food!

People to avoid: That boy in your poetry class that caught you sniffing his hair in last week’s discussion section

Have a good month! And remember, things will never be as bad for you as they are for George Lopez’s fan club!

–Ali Parr