50 Column Headlines You Wouldn’t be Surprised to See in The Daily

• 

  (via Twitter)

  Johnson: Cars Have Wheels

• Johnson: Radiators Helpful In Winter

• Johnson: Rolly Chairs More Mobile Than Normal Chairs

• Johnson: Staplers More Useful With Staples Than Without

• Johnson: TV Good Way To Watch Moving Pictures

• Johnson: Losing Keys Creates Problems

• Johnson: Jaywalking Can Occasionally Be Dangerous

• Johnson: Russia Might Be The Largest Country In The World

• Johnson: It’s Warmer When The Sun Is Out

• Johnson: Lake Michigan Probably Larger Than Lagoon On Campus

• Johnson: For Theater Majors,

Sherman Ave Interviews: Justin Barbin

If you’ve been to a Northwestern sorority’s formal (ANY sorority), or if you’ve just creepily stalked pictures from any given formal, then you definitely know the name Justin Barbin.  A photographer/entrepreneur/all-around awesome dude, Barbin graduated from Northwestern in 2011, and, after moving back to his hometown of Houston, began to dabble in his longtime hobby of photography.  Flash forward to 3 years later, and Barbin is one of the best-known names at Northwestern – not only for his skills as a photographer, but for his personality, his style, and having a name that is eerily similar to that of Justin Bieber.  Barbin was nice enough to take time out of his very busy schedule to sit down with Sherman Ave travesties Ross Packingham, Prince Giblets, and Felicity Jenkins, and allowed them to ask him a few questions about himself, his passion, and a lot of stupid shit.  Mostly just stupid shit. 

Ross Packingham: So we’ll start with a few questions about your background–

Justin Barbin: Like ethnicity, or…?

Packingham: That isn’t what we had in mind.

Felicity Jenkins: But feel free to answer that as well.

Packingham: So from my understanding, you just popped out of your mother’s womb with a Nikon DSLR in hand.

Barbin: Canon.

Packingham: That’s embarrassing, I didn’t do my research. And there are so many pictures online with the camera. Anyway, is that why she hated you?

29 Things that will Happen at Northwestern Just After You Graduate

1) The US News & World Report will rank Northwestern in the Top 10 Best Schools in the Nation.

Opening date: June 20 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

2) The University will purchase 25 new safe ride cars.

3) The new student center and lakeside athletic facilities will be built literally overnight, complete with sports bar.

4) Morty will commission a

19 Times BuzzFeed Made You Want to Drink Excessively to Deal with their Ridiculous Drivel Masquerading as Journalism

1. 13 Potatoes that Look Like Channing Tatum

BuzzFeed’s internationally recognized mascot.

I once sat across the aisle from Channing Tatum on a plane which yeah isn’t totally relevant but it’s one of my better stories and I want you to think I’m cool he wore expensive looking headphones.

2. 13 Reasons Shakira Should Be President of the World

Listen BuzzFeed editors, it’s clear from the content of your site that you didn’t go to college, but a 4th grade education should have taught you that president of the world is not a real job. And if it were it would go to Beyoncé.

3. 30 Reasons Birth Control Exists

Um. To prevent pregnancy?

The Hollow Pastiche of Beyoncé’s Genius: A Reviéw

The songs on Beyoncé’s fifth studio album, BEYONCÉ, are fine. They’re good songs that sound like the music Beyoncé makes, which is what people like to listen to. The music on the album is whatever and absolutely besides the point because OH MY GOD BEY JUST BROUGHT THE INTERNET TO A GRINDING HALT. Beyoncé unexpectedly dropping a 14-song album and the 17 corresponding music videos plus credits exclusively on iTunes—and the ensuing collective Internet swoon—makes Beyoncé pop culture’s truest celebrity and genius. But the mega-stardom and brilliance of Beyoncé and her album succeeds either because of, or in spite of her “visual album” presenting a form of pastiche as devoid of substantive value as Upworthy, and not even half as inspired.

OH MY GOD BEYONCÉ JUST DROPPED A NEW ALBUM ON ITUNES

Pictured: The Queen, just moments after I coated my nether regions in a thick layer of urine.

Guys. GUYS. GUYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSS.

The rumors are true. Beyoncé just dropped a new album on iTunes and didn’t even tell anyone, not even Blue Ivy.

This is basically our generation’s Pearl Harbor, except we’re excited about it, and even the president didn’t know it was going to happen.

Beyoncé’s fifth studio album, complete with complementary videos for literally every song, plus a bonus video, means that this is the most visual material Beyoncé has supplied since posing for the cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition. According to the hastily scrawled iTunes Editors’ Notes, the album is “a provocative, unguarded artistic statement–revealing a side of the icon previously unknown to fans and cementing her status as a pop visionary.”

Not like we needed to study for finals or anything.

We Photoshopped Morty Into Famous Things So You Don’t Have To

A Line-By-Line Analysis of Kidz Bop’s “Thrift Shop”

If you are an avid Sherman Ave reader, then you likely have seen our line by line analysis of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’s chart topping hit “Thrift Shop.” Or if you are a casual reader you have probably seen the article too–it’s our most viewed article of all time, which just speaks to how fantastic the song is.

Thrift Shop has achieved many firsts in terms of its chart performanc. It was the second ever independent song at number one and held that place for 6 weeks, and its reign would have lasted into perpetuity were it not knocked down halfway through its tenure by the Harlem Shake, because apparently Youtube clips of a song count towards a song’s total plays. But really have you listened to more than 30 seconds of Harlem Shake? If you have then you definitely didn’t do it a second time. That song sucks.

How could we as a society commemorate a song that brought irony to the forefront of the mainstream, that brought a generation together through identifying with a culture it doesn’t really understand, that pissed off your friends from Seattle cause they knew about it when it came out (that was back in last August. When Todd Akin was still culturally relevant). How do we honor it? We better Kidz Bop this mothafucka.

Ten Happy Study Breaks For Your Finals Week

1. Pop bubble wrap. Alternately, place bubble wrap under a rug in an area with heavy foot traffic and watch.

2. Purchase a stick of your ex’s deodorant of choice. Apply. Sniff your own armpits and pretend you’re not forever alone.

Album Review: Brown Sugar’s “Zamaane”

Some say that a cappella at Northwestern is like the TV show Glee. But that can’t be, because the kids on Glee bagged football players and couldn’t drink for shit, which we all know doesn’t hold true for acca-biddies and acca-bros at Northwestern.

Others posit that a cappella at Northwestern is more like Community. Marginally popular–but not enough to get people to care enough to watch every performance–and irrationally beloved among the theater community.

While all these theories and more may be true, it’s clear after the first listen that Brown Sugar‘s latest album Zamaane situates Brown Sugar as the Mad Men of a cappella at NU: Genre-defining, poignant, sexy in all the right places, and best after a glass of scotch or five.  Just so long as you ignore the fact that the Mad Men cast is more white-washed than Mitt Romney’s book group and Brown Sugar is, well, the nation’s premiere co-ed South Asian collegiate a cappella group.