The 5 Artists Most Likely to Fill the Final Two Dillo Day Slots

As Dillo Day approaches, the Northwestern Student body at large is counting the days and wondering: who will be the final two acts?  With the announcements that both Walk the Moon and Danny Brown will be performing, along with the expected announcement of Smash Mouth, students and arbitrary townies of Evanston now wait with baited breath to learn who else will be whetting their Dillo palates.  After extensive research and multiple FOIA requests, we at Sherman Ave have narrowed the list of potential performers down to five artists who we believe, while they may not all be fan favorites, are the acts that are most likely to fill those spots.  In no particular order:

“Daft Punk has a new album coming out? I didn’t know that!” – Nobody

1. Daft Punk
With their new album Random Access Memories set for a May 17^th release, what better place to promote it than at the spring festival for a medium-sized private university in Evanston, Illinois?  Not only would Dillo Day be excellent exposure for the grossly under-promoted French electronic duo, but such a gig would be a great platform from which to kick off a surprise tour of North America.  Daft Punk would most likely be the nighttime headliner, and, not to editorialize, but such a slot could prove problematic for the duo, as they would have to fill the very large shoes of last year’s nighttime headliner, Steve Aoki.  Speaking of which…

Breaking: NATO Representatives to Attend Dillo Day

Moments after the NATO leadership announced its decision to shotgun in the bathroom before heading to breakfast.

Although the NATO Summit wrapped up this afternoon, dozens of leaders from various NATO member countries will be sticking around the Chicagoland area until Saturday to “throw down” at Northwestern University’s annual music festival and renowned shitshow, Dillo Day.

Among some of the most well-known representatives attending the day-rage will be Afghan President Hamid Karzai, British Prime Minister David Cameron, and even President Obama, not to mention the leaders of 31 other NATO members and ISAF contributors.

“Although we all agreed that the summit in Chi-town was one of the most important diplomatic forums of the year, many Heads of State as well as the international press corps simply could not resist the prospect of challenging the former Warsaw Pact to a keg race before stumbling to the lakefill to catch the last five minutes of Big Boi’s set,” stated NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen, prior to a meeting with Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari regarding the opening up of supply lines to sneak Jim Beam onto the lakefill.

“I mean, right after we all decided to withdraw from Afghanistan faster than a Beta inside a slampiece, Franky [French President François Hollande] was all like ‘Dude, Reel Big Fish were like my third worst guilty pleasure in high school’ and a motion was quickly approved by the military alliance to totally cruise the lakefill, maybe pick up a tan and some biddies, and just get fucking heinous. #YOLO, amirite!?”

The announcement has many Northwestern authorities on alert due to the increased public scrutiny and difficulties that arise from hosting so many high-ranking government officials at one shitshow.

What do we want? KATY PERRY!!!

Students have been advised to expect delays in Shuttle and Saferide services as belligerent diplomats and their motorcades navigate from pregame to pregame, and all females have been warned to stay a safe distance from any Italian diplomat. Dean of Students Burgwell Howard also sent out an email to the student body pleading that students “Please, please, pretty fucking please just play it cool around the Ghanaian delegation.”

Although some experts predict that scores of protestors will also attend the event, other analysts remain confident that the students will be far too schwasted to take valuable time away from belting “Break Even” down Sheridan Road to mount a serious protest. Yet the University is taking several measures to heighten security, most notably trebling the size of the Northwestern police segue presence in an effort to ensure that no cabinet minister unaffiliated with the University is robbed of their cell phone.

When asked about the presence of NATO member nations at Dillo Day this year, most students remained nonplussed. “NATO Summit?” asked Chad Hartwicke Cunningham III (Comm ’13), “Is that one of the bands playing this year? I’ve never heard of them. I’m not really into that hipster shit.”