University Announces All Future Buildings to be Modeled After Norris Center

EVANSTON, Ill. – Months after first outlining a plan to upgrade parking, student common space and athletic facilities, Northwestern University today announced that the buildings in all of these projects will be modeled directly after the Norris University Center.

Et tu, Brutalist?

“I don’t know that I would say ‘modeled after,” said University President Morton Schapiro. “I would probably say that they are going to be exact replicas. Like, we are building more Norrises. That shit’s literally going to happen.”

An Open Letter to an Assistant Coach at a D-1 School

Dear Assistant Coach at a high-profile Division I university,

I’m writing to invite you to interview for the Northwestern basketball coaching vacancy. Now, before you ask, NU is not in the Northwest quadrant of the country, nor is it that school in Boston. And yes, we do have a basketball team.

Your familiarity with the Wildcats’ program may stem entirely from picking us to lose early in your office NIT pool the last couple of years, but we have a lot more to offer than a potential trip to Madison Square Garden every once in a while.

We are, after all, Chicago’s Big Ten Team, which proves a huge advantage in recruiting the city’s top prospects. Check out our roster. We nabbed an occasionally useful back-up center from Chi-City and have totally cornered the Naperville market.

You’ll recruit out-of-state by pitching NU as the best academic school in the Big Ten.

My Five Favorite Bill Carmody Moments of the Past Three Seasons

Carmody, upon realizing Edzo’s is closed on Mondays.

On a scale of 1 to fired, Bill Carmody is like a fucking 12. I just needed to get that off my chest. I mean, GODDAMN was he fucked. You know that part in the first Harry Potter book when our three heroes walk in on that crazy, three-headed dog by accident? And they look up and they’re all like, “Oh, shiiit.” That’s Carmody. Except he isn’t magic and the door just locked behind him.

As an avid Carmody supporter, I really don’t want to use this space to talk about whether he SHOULD HAVE been fired. Because like lets be real boy was going to get fired. Did you watch any part of last season? No? I mean, exactly my point.

Phil Jackson Announces Intent Not To Coach Northwestern

“Do not want.” – Phil Jackson

EVANSTON- Phil Jackson issued a statement Thursday night saying “in the strongest possible terms” that the legendary former Chicago Bulls and Los Angeles Lakers coach has “absolutely no interest” in becoming Northwestern’s next men’s basketball coach.

The move comes amid speculation that current head coach Bill Carmody will be fired following a 13-19 season.

“To all those who have called, tweeted, written, shouted, pounded on my door in the middle of the night, sent notes on rocks through my window, or burned ‘#B1GCATS’ into my lawn to encourage me to coach Northwestern, I just want to say this: Eat all of the shit you can find. Then die,” the Zen Master said in the statement.