via celebuzz.com
WASHINGTON– President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.
“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”
Jason Collins, showing off his Fidelius Charm.
LIMBO–Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, former headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, expressed his excitement this afternoon that another wizard, Washington Wizards center Jason Collins, had come out as gay.
In a press conference at the mystical limbo-like Kings Cross, the founder of the Order of the Phoenix congratulated the NBA journeyman Collins for becoming the first openly gay athlete in one of the four North American major sports leagues, writing, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but even more to be gay in the NBA. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open. Except Dennis Rodman.”
Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in baseball. Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus. Martin Luther King having a dream. Barack Obama winning the presidency. All of us are familiar with the work that trailblazers like these and so many others accomplished to move beyond our nation’s racial divisions. Now, I am proud to announce that we can inscribe two more names on to this prestigious list, for country singer Brad Paisley has teamed up with rap icon/NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J to finally eradicate black-white tensions. If you were at all concerned that America in 2013 had still not achieved a truly post-racial society, then boy, do I have news for you! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Accidental Racist.”
“To the man who waited on me
at the Starbucks down on Main
I hope you understand”
It appears that Brad Paisley knows of exactly one black person, and it is a minimum-wage earner at a coffee chain. And he has dedicated a song to this one black person. What could go wrong?
If you’re anything like me, you simply have to wait for celebrity validation before going ahead with major life decisions, which is why I own nine George Foreman grills and six bottles of Spirit: Antonio Banderas cologne. Thus, come election season, I stand proudly with those beautiful, mythical dipshits that are the undecided voters until I receive word from my favorite stars on who should be the leader of this great land. As Gretchen Wieners and Cady Heron once discussed:
Gretchen: I mean, you wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looked good on you.
Cady: I wouldn’t?
Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with presidents. Like, you may think you like someone, but YOU COULD BE WRONG.
As we are all bound by, like, the rules of feminism to Gretchen’s code, I saved you the trouble of researching celeb endorsements to help you make an informed decision. The results were shocking. I may have thought that I liked Obama, but based on this list, I WAS WRONG. Without further adieu, your guide to the top celebrity endorsements that are guaranteed to make Willard Mitt Romney the next President:
Is it because Mitt has class and you don’t?
Lindsay Lohan
My gurl LiLo, Cady Heron herself, apparently took Gretchen’s rules to heart when she announced last month that she would be supporting Romney, stating “I think unemployment is very important for now.” Ugh, if only that kooky communist Obama wasn’t in the White House these past four years, Lindz wouldn’t be so unemployed all of the time!! Wait, what’s that? She’s been to rehab five times and may or may not be a klepto or a crackhead (say crack again CRACK)? Nope, that can’t be it. THNX 4 DENYING US MORE LINDSAY, OBAMACARE!
Chuck Norris
The king of direct-to-video action movies and subject of a million jokes that weren’t even funny in middle school when literally no one is actually funny, Chuck Norris, is a staunch conservative who released this video in support of Mitt, warning that a second term of Obama would usher in “1,000 years of darkness.” I hadn’t considered just how serious the old “Once you go black…” rule was until Chuck put it this way, but now that I’m aware, there’s no going back. Scary stuff indeed. Romney 2012!
Did anybody tell Meat Loaf that his career is over?
Meat Loaf
From the time that I first LOLed at his name in preschool (but it’s a FOOD!!), I have been a big fan of Mr. Loaf’s work. Hence, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Meat and Mitt sharing a stage in Ohio and belting “America the Beautiful” like they were the writers at the Ave plus Morty and it was TSwift. I was even more swayed by the Loaf’s endorsement speech: “The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’ I have never heard such a thing in my life.” Meat is ON TARGET here, I mean when will the liberal media stop covering for Obama and shed some light on the past 21 years of the Cold War that we haven’t been paying attention to?? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??
Kid Rock
Like many Americans, I wondered how Kid could ever outdo himself after making a sex tape with four groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed (but actually this happened look it up. The story not the video. Well whatever you want actually no judgment from the Ave). Luckily, Mr. Rock (Kid, not Chris) was able to replace Stapp with another guy who scores off the charts with the nation’s white douchebags, Paul Ryan, and the result was this amazing, amazing piece of memorabilia (hint hint I’m open to early Christmas presents).
Jenna Jameson
Many Republicans have tried and failed to develop a cohesive message that will appeal to the American people, but porn icon Jenna Jameson nailed it (UP-TOP!) in her August endorsement of Romney, declaring, “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.” There are any number of sexual puns that could be made here, but I feel that “Jenna Jameson endorses Romney” pretty much speaks for itself. Also, who knew that Jenna Jameson had some Republican in her, amirite? Ok done now.
As you can see, we have some real heavyweights behind the Romney-Ryan ticket this year. When you combine the sheer wattage of star power that I have listed above with other such prestigious Romney endorsers as Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood and his Chair, The Naked Cowboy from Times Square, Dionne from Clueless, and Chachi from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the choice is clear, America. When you all step into that voting booth, keep these endorsements in mind. They represent all that we can achieve in Mitt Romney’s America. And give credit to Mitt for assembling the jankiest, most mesmerizing, and most heinous batch of trainwrecks that any one man has ever attracted. He has certainly proven himself worthy of their support. Now go forth and vote, America. You do NOT want to let any of these stars down. Especially Lindsay, she is in a very fragile place in her life. Seriously someone help her.
-Charleston Nippleberry
The biggest threat to your paper on the role of North Africa's economy in the Byzantine Empire circa 1400 since that fifth of Jack Daniels and Facebook
See, Congress is currently considering two bills—abbreviated to SOPA and PIPA—that are aimed at curbing online piracy of music and film. And while we at The Ave would like to go on the record as opposing illegal downloading (……Look in a mirror. Right now. Do it. Now pretend you’re looking at seven-year-old you. Now try to explain how you could illegally download The Muppets. Now rethink your life choices), these bills go way too far.
Both SOPA and PIPA would give the government sweeping powers to censor online content and target search engines or aggregators that link to websites it says are illegal. As a website that we can only imagine gives nightmares to top officials in the CIA almost every night (we take Mondays off. Too busy Keggin, ya know?), we naturally disapprove.
But the heinous doesn’t stop there. Because of these bills, websites such as icanhazcheezeburger.com, Redditt and WIKIPEDIA all plan to go black tomorrow in protest. Seriously.
As if it isn’t bad enough that we won’t be able to get our full fix of kittens who hate their owners,* WIKIPEDIA IS GOING DOWN. Do you people even comprehend what that means? Literally, no one will know anything anymore. The single database in which all of humanity has stored the entirety of its collective knowledge will be gone at midnight tonight. Every single person on this soon-to-be-forsaken planet will be left with no awareness of the world around them. All sense of intelligence will be replaced by a distant, vacant stare and a sense of longing. Basically, imagine that every person on the planet is Rick Perry. But dumber and less hostile.
Now, I should point out that our boy Barack has said he will not sign these bills, and neither piece of legislation has been voted on or passed by either house of Congress.
But still the damage has been done. See, by naming the House version PIPA, supporters of this bill have already ruined my life. Pippa should be a word of joy, a word of happiness, and a word of incredibly shaped arses. Thanks to these heinous toolboxes, PIPA (same pronunciation as the first name of Our Lady of Bootyville) is instead an Orwellian nightmare of government overreach and special interests.
Censorship never seemed so attractive
And so, for making me a liar, ruining Pippa and dooming humanity I say this to Congress: Ugh. Typical.
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*Porn too. Don’t forget about the porn.
Turns out, zombies are real. And we have one in captivity.
Mr. Nibbles struggles with a brain addiction and chronic back pain
Sherman Ave: Tell us, Mr. Nibbles, how did you become a zombie?
Nibbles: Well, it started out when I went to the Bokor to get some pot.
SA: What’s a Bokor?
Nibbles: Our resident witch doctor. You know how whenever American thugs want to cut a bitch, they cut the bitch? Haitians just go see the Bokor and he curses the bitch. He also deals things.
SA: So what was different when you went to buy from him this time?
Nibbles: Well, I told him that my last trip had been more painful than teaching wildcats to play sports. So he gave me something new to try. Said it came from pufferfish.
SA: What did the pufferfish stuff do?
Nibbles: It knocked me out. I apparently looked pretty dead.
SA: How long did this go on?
Nibbles: Long enough to be buried alive. Can I have some more Cheerios?
SA: Not until you’re done with the interview. What was being dead like?
Nibbles: I wasn’t dead, I was just unresponsive.* When I eventually came to, I felt worse than freshmen sorostitutes on a post-Keg Tuesday morning, and I had a mad case of the munchies. Basically, the Bokor had knocked me out and then given me a dose of datura, which is just your run-of-the-mill potentially toxic hallucinogen.
SA: Can you describe the effects of datura?
Nibbles: Well, it walks a foggy, fucked-up line somewhere between hallucinogen and near-death experience. I’d done it before I was zombified on it. You kinda mumble around tripping massive crusty balls. Side effects are extreme suggestibility, amnesia, diaphragm paralysis, and sometimes aggression. There are Youtube videos of state school Motherfuckers immortalizing each other’s bad decisions on datura. But essentially, you’ve just been roofied by the Bokor.
SA: So in a stereotypical zombie, the drooling, moaning, slurring, limping, and aggression is probably because of the datura.
Nibbles: Exactly. And because zombies are pretty complacent most of the time, they usually get put to work in the field. But I’m sure there are Bokors who get more creative with their zombie slaves.**
SA: Do you identify with the common stereotype of a zombie?
Nibbles: I mean, in some ways. I definitely lost a lot of brains due to asphyxiation while I was buried alive, as a lot of zombies do. I think that oftentimes that disappointment that you’ve just died a little on the inside manifests itself in the aggression caused by the datura. You just want your brains back in whatever way you can, and you end up trying to nom on anyone normal in the area.
A huge part of zombification is the mental adjustment. When you’ve been buried alive and you wake up feeling more fucked up than the lovechild of Tom Cruise and Charlie Sheen, a common question to ask is, “What’s wrong with me?” But the question never comes out right. You end up with something like, “Hn wclch trchk blm nnnnng?” And when the answer from your friends and family is “HOLY FLYING FUCK, I THOUGHT YOU DIED,” at some point you do start believing you’re a zombie. It’s like your crotchety black uncle who’s convinced he’s a Democrat because he’s a minority, despite his right-wing stance on every fucking issue on the platform. It’s like having anorexia and participating in the Stanford prison experiment. There’s this impossibly perfect standard of what a zombie should be, and you have zombies becoming someone else to try to fit into those roles.
SA: So what you’re saying is that you felt pressured by the cultural expectations of zombies.
Nibbles: Yeah. I started hanging around graveyards, I lumbered around slower than the frustrating Motherfucker in the dining hall who’s obliviously in your way when you’re hauling ass to the cookie bar line, I didn’t say anything but “NNNNNGGG” for a year or two. I mean, what kind of a word is “Ng”? The stereotyping and idealization of zombies in the media is a dangerous cultural phenomenon, and it goes unquestioned and unreported. Every time you watch a George Romero film, I beg you to please remember that not every zombie can tear the limbs off of a pair of dumbass lovers trying to make a kamikaze run for their lives. And not every zombie wants to.
SA: Are there any portrayals of zombies in movies that you’d like our readers to watch?
Nibbles: Yeah. There’s a Spanish foreign film*** called Rec, off of which the American piece of shit Quarantine was based. If you’re going to watch a zombie movie, Rec is significantly more heinous. Please honor Latin America with the concession that this movie might be the one thing we don’t do as well. Also, Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. Hanna-Barbera gets enough zombie facts right to be legit.
SA: Thank you. Nibbles, I think this concludes our interview. We really appreciate your input on the subject. It’s been a heinous time.
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*Like the side door of Annenberg.
**Interactive question for readers: What would YOU do with a zombie slave?
***There are subtitles. Get over it, you’re reading things right now. But apparently they mistranslate the foul language, so whenever you hear the word “mierda” you’ll have to either get off your lazy ass and onto Spanishdictionary.com, or rely on whatever AP Spanish remains accessible behind the stacks of quotable South Park episodes in your brain. See? You knew being bilingual was good for something. You can power trip over your ability to point out inconsistencies in the translation of profanity.
Sherman Ave 