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Tag Archives: Blackboard

Professor Facing Charges for Scanning Genitals into Optional Course Readings Since 2009

27 Jan

EVANSTON, IL — Northwestern University music history professor Dr. Maxwell Douglas is currently on academic probation and awaiting trial on the charges that he repeatedly scanned his genitalia into PDFs of optional course readings posted on the university’s course management site.

((CAPTION HERE))

Dr. Douglas.  Not pictured: Dr. Douglas’s junk.

The extent of the professor’s perverse action is currently under investigation, although sources can confirm the obscene imagery appeared as early as 2009 in an excerpt on Gregorian chant and continued undiscovered until late 2013. Continue reading

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27 Reasons Why You Just Can’t Write that Paper Right Now

22 Oct

1. You were trying to go to the library but it took too goddamn long to cross Sheridan.

2. The government was shut down.

3. You were looking for the crepe place in Norris.

4. You got impaled by a biker so now you lie bleeding.

5. You were writing a strongly worded letter to your local congressman.

Continue reading

An Open Letter to Blackboard

21 Oct

Dear employee(s) of the Blackboard “Course Management System”,

I imagine most days are pretty monotonous at Blackboard HQ.  Outside of the orgies with the guy who runs CAESAR, the guy who decides what hours the dining halls are open, and the guy who kept the doors of Deering Library closed for forty-two years, there isn’t much to do.  Most days probably just consist of the Continue reading

To Northwestern’s Quarter System, The Crusher Of Spirit, The Bringer of Late Nights Crying to “You Are Beautiful” By Christina Aguilera. On Repeat.

30 May
Time to cry in the shower while listening to Adele again.

Time to cry in the shower while listening to Adele again.

It’s the end of May, and with it comes the flowers in bloom, the inconsistent sunlight of the Chicago sky, and the sound of graduation caps being thrown into the air in happy rejoice. This is a good time. This is a happy, carefree time. This is a time of new beginnings and new hopes that OH WAIT A FUCKING SECOND I HAVE TWO 15-PAGE PAPERS DUE NEXT WEEK AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS THROW A FUCKING BONG OUT THE WINDOW.

I’m not over-reacting. Okay, I am.

Continue reading

An Open Letter to the Student Body from Blackboard

20 May

Esteemed Student Body,

HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU GUYS

YOU LITERALLY JUST GOT BACK TO SCHOOL AND YOU CAN’T EVEN DO THE HOMEWORK YOU DON’T WANT TO DO

SUCK MY DICK

SUCK IT SO MANY TIMES

SUCK IT UNTIL YOUR MOUTH HURTS

Cordially,

Blackboard