The result of a horrible misunderstanding, James Franco lost his life on March 1st during his most recent experimental art piece: The Death of James Franco. Though Franco anticipated that his public autoerotic asphyxiation wouldn’t result in actual death, stating that “art cannot die,” the enigmatic actor lost consciousness and subsequently his life in the “performance.”
James Franco’s Last Art Piece. No, really.
Leona Lewis
Answering the age-old riddle, “If a pop star who doesn’t twerk dies of something that isn’t a drug overdose, does it make a sound?” Leona Lewis was discovered in her apartment seven weeks after her death on October 7, 2014 (cause unknown). Sources reported, “Oh. Leona Lewis. She was a singer right? Is she the one from that ‘Put Your Records On’ song?”
If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.
Most Heinous Event of 2012
With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbingscandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.
Dear men, Someday, if you’re lucky, you might have a wife or girlfriend.* And there’s a lot you don’t know. Hell, you’ve barely found the clitoris.
Ignorance is a huge turn-off. How can a lady ever trust you to kill her spiders if you’re still terrified and confused by the dry cottonwads that inhabit women’s vaginas when your dick isn’t in there?
SEATTLE – A recent survey of everyone you know and hope to meet has revealed that every single person around you constantly acknowledges that one tiny fault that you’re really uncomfortable with.
Though you have hoped that nobody would pay attention to that one little thing you really hate about yourself, sources have confirmed that everyone you’ve ever met and will meet over the course of your entire life is constantly, and will constantly be, paying attention to that specific thing.
“It’s really the only thing that defines him as a person,” said your best friend who swore to never really pay attention to that minute detail that you hated every having to acknowledge. “How could I not notice? It’s disgusting and terrible and really makes him a person that everyone should criticize.” Continue reading →
(Note: As part of our new student writer heinous-reach program, Sherman Ave has decided to partner with Evanston Township Middle Schools to give you content created by younger minds, and thus foster a healthy and positive interest in writing. Education is a vital part of a child’s life, and we at Sherman Ave understand that and yadda yadda yadda Michelle Obama. If you know a talented student who would like to participate in our program, keep it to yourself.)
Moreover, Joffrey is a total jerkface
Hello!
My name is Timmy Jenkinson and this is my report about episode 3 of Game of Thrones this season. A bunch of really cool stuff happened, Greyjoy escaped and also Robb Stark and a bunch of old people talked to each other about the war. His wife is kind off ugly.
In another important scene, the fat guy saw a girl give birth tooo a person, it was gross. My dad told me that they have to kill the baby because it’s a man. Ther’s a rule that those people have that they kill every baby that’s a man. My dad likes Game of Thrones almost as much as he likes Captain Morgan. He didn’t say that, but that was my “observation.”
So it’s sex week again, and while those with sex lives (or just lives in general) are out getting some, those of us who write for Sherman Ave aren’t as fortunate are with the only thing that’s ever loved us – videogames. So while I sit in my hallway, trying to not hear the sounds of my roommate’s passionate encounters, I couldn’t help but think of the top six Pokémon that make me wanna use the moves “Harden” and “Pound.”
1. Ditto
“I want it that way.” With Ditto, that phrase is not just the name of a song by the Backstreet Boys. Much like Burger King, Ditto lets you have it your way. Ditto can transform into anyone you want – Jennifer Lawrence, that hot girl in your bio class, your Russian Lit TA, Jennifer Lawrence…the possibilities are endless. Fantasies could be fulfilled. Plus, doing it would be less gross, because it wouldn’t seem like you were doing it with a Pokémon. Which, when you think about it, is pretty weird.
Good idea, or great idea?
2. Jynx
Often referred to as being ‘hotter than Moltres, but in a different way.’ Alternatively known as ‘that one Pokémon that’s kinda racist.’ Really the only Pokémon that is blatantly supposed to look like a trashy ‘lady of the night.’ Also the only one given boobs for no apparent reason. Considering that “Kiss” is one of its moves, as well as “Lick,” its ready for anything. It’s not designed to look like a seductress for nothing. It just wants you to go ahead and ‘Cubone’ it. Come on. Its not weird to admit you’ve thought about it. Okay, it is weird, but not that weird.
Part 3 of Sherman Ave’s last-minute attempt to spread misinformation on all things Oscars in order to emerge victorious in our Oscar pool.
Here at Sherman Ave, our love for Jennifer Lawrence has been fairly well-documented. So while Jessica Chastain, Naomi Watts, Emmanuelle Riva, and Quvenzhané Wallis were all okay I guess, no woman can ever compare to the walking exemplar of fierce perfection that is JLaw. So instead of discussing in excruciating detail how those other four actresses could never hope to live up to Jennifer, I thought I’d simply compile the top ten reasons Jennifer Lawrence deserves the Academy Award for Best Actress in a Leading Role for her work in Silver Linings Playbook.
Also like in baseball, there's usually a pitcher and a catcher.
There’s a question we all ask our single friends regularly, usually when they show up looking unkempt, worried, and possibly pregnant.
“How far did you get with them?”
This is a question that SEEMS like it would have simple answers. “I let him touch my vagina.” “I touched her vagina,” “We started to get naked but I ejaculated prematurely,” these are all reasonable responses. But, for whatever reasons, (mostly embarrassment) people never give these answers. Instead they rely on euphemisms, the most popular of which is “The Base System.”
Which would be fine, that’s cool guys, its totally fair to equate sex to baseball – they’re both exhausting team-sports that are hard to watch for more than ten minutes – and, just like baseball, I don’t really understand the rules. But if we’re going to use a base system, we need to have one common definition for all the bases. And right now, that consensus does not exist. Is first base kissing? Does tongue have to be involved? Where does tactile vaginal contact fall? Boobs? What about BOOBS?! WHO’S GOING TO TALK ABOUT BOOBS?!
Don’t worry, we will. And at great length.
Anyway, here are the two different ways you can interpret the base system. Which one is right? Sound off in the poll below.
FIRST BASE
Sometimes you can just guess...
Point, by Sad Bones Malone
First base inhabits this weird realm of ambiguity. Everyone understands that kissing is involved in some capacity, but this begs the question: “how much kissing?” We both agree that a peck does not constitute first base, but I feel that to actually get to first base, you have to be “making out.” There is an underlying expectation that there’s a little bit of hands, and a little bit more action than a single kiss. It should be a semi-extended duration that might involve a little bit of exploration. First base contains a whole host of operations — hickeys, ear-play, fondling — these are all entry actions to the sexual experience. And since first base is the entry way to the other bases, all these activities are constituted within first base.
Counterpoint, by Manua Hiki-Hiki
You have to be kidding me!? I mean, you have to do a little exploring in the land of the mouth to be considered “at first base,” but first base does not mean you have to be searching for the hidden realm of the esophagus. First base is an important step, but IT’S JUST THE FIRST FUCKING BASE!!! Using your definition as first base is like saying you don’t know anything about geography until you know the capital of Zimbabwe (you should really look into learning that though, as Harare is bomb as Hell). Next thing you’re going to tell me is that I have to be inside a girl’s pants to be at second base. Like, really? Really?!?
SECOND BASE
Although he's usually hopelessly out of breath by the time he rounds third.
Point, by Manua Hiki-Hiki
Actually, let me just preempt what I expect will be your naively asinine answer: There’s no way being inside a girl’s pants qualifies as second base. I have far too much reverence for the vagina to place it at such an easily accessible base. If a 500-pound bear-creature named Prince Fielder can make it to second-base in a game of baseball, then searching the mystical vagina cannot be second-base – because second base is PRETTY FUCKING EASY to get to. Want to know what’s not easy to get to? The Vagina. Therefore, those two things cannot be equivalent — it’s math. We all know the real second base: Boobtown. Boobtown is a very important step and deserves its own base. You cannot neglect boobs. Boobs are awesome. Getting to touch a girl’s boobs is like riding a bike for the first time: both are important landmarks in your life, both cause a big sense of accomplishment… and I ejaculated after both. All excitement issues aside, boobs are very important in the grand scheme of the “game of love” and deserve their own base.
Counterpoint, by Bad Bones Malone
Listen guys, I don’t want you to think I’m coming from the wrong place. I love boobs, and I have the upmost respect for boobs — in fact, some of my best friends are boobs. But if we only have three bases to work with, boobs aren’t deserving of their own landmark.
She just has... so much... you know... CHARACTER!!!
Because, as much as I like boobs, they aren’t even close to being equal the vagina. When a guy gets drunk and gets a little boob-gropey it’s “a little creepy,” when a man decides to go straight for vaginas it’s “a little bit of a felony.” Those lines are drawn for a reason, the vagina is simply far, far more important than boobs.
The fact that boobs don’t get their own base also has to do with the function of the base-system — it’s shorthand that can be used to denote romantic progress. And, while I’m sure it was nice, I don’t really care if you touched a girls boobs. We aren’t in junior high anymore. Boobs get touched all the time — and if you’re making out with a girl it’s not an unreasonable jump to assume you might have felt her up. If you’re using the proper definition of first base — my version — then you’ve already covered fondling anyway. Congratulations.
The first time you touch a girl’s vagina is important — it’s the first time you have a chance to let her fake an orgasm (laaaaadies), which as far as I’m concerned is the EXPRESS PURPOSE OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY.
So if you’re going to chart the progression of sexual activity, then you better fucking have a stop reserved for the first time you take an action that actually ends where you’re trying to go.
THIRD BASE Consensus: I think we can all agree here: Once the trouser dragon has entered the salivary sea, you’re at third base.
HOME Consensus: If you’ve solved the coital conundrum, you’re home.
The proposed base systems have been researched by many a student at Harvard, Princeton, and other places where these things never occur… and that is why we need your help. Vote in the poll below and help solve history’s second most important Trojan War (ahhh, get it? Trojan. Like the condom. SEX).
So it’s a Saturday night. You’ve been nursing many-a-can of PBR over the course of the night. You see a lovely looking potential lover across the Keg dance floor right behind the stripper pole. They shoot you an inviting stare with their glazed eyes. This is it: You’re about to engage in a forgettable night of passion with your sweetheart and only your 200 closest friends, acquaintances, and Keg bouncers looking on. Here are some things to avoid in order to make sure your venture into the mouth of another person goes swimmingly.
5. Attempt to Check Your Phone
Judging by the fact that you’re reading about making out online, chances are you do not have anyone deep inside your mouth very often. So because this is a very rare occasion, you should probably take some time to appreciate it and maybe stay off your phone for a few minutes (because God knows how long this person is going to tolerate you slipping your tongue towards their esophagus). I know that you’re excited to get that text from your mom about the new Zelda game arriving — and you should be, it’s bomb as fuck; however, you can probably wait until after you’ve completed your mastication of another human being’s mouth before you find out when you’ll be able to fight the Demon Lord, Ghirahim.
Mind if I suck your neck until small blood vessels burst under your skin?
4. Maul Your Significant Other’s Neck
Since we’re on the subject of consumption, I must advise that you control your primal urges and do not eat your partner’s neck. Maybe you watch a lot of Twilight(in which case, you may want to evaluate how you spend your time before you make any physical contact with another human being again), or maybe you just thought it was a good idea to experiment with bear mating rituals. Either way, stop. After their heinous encounter with you, people should not question if your lover has been viciously mauled by a carnivorous animal. I know you might be hungry, and her neck may smell good, but please don’t unhinge your jaw and latch onto her. You’re doing both of you a favor.
3. Moan
A make-out session is no time to unleash the walrus groan you’ve been practicing. There’s no bigger turn-off than releasing a passionate whimper or wanton squeal on an unsuspecting person. Save those noises for your self-gratification time when nobody else has to hear them — except for everyone around you in the SPAC showers.
2. Get Handsy
Listen guys, I know you’re excited. You’re kissing a real girl with real boobs and everything. Your parents are very proud of you, as am I. Now saying that, keep your goddamn hands to yourself. Since you first discovered those magical things attached to the front of the females body, you’ve probably desired nothing more than to go to Boobtown. However, Boobtown is a gated-neighborhood and you’re only allowed in by invitation — so just calm yourself and enjoy the fact that a person with those mystical possessions has let you anywhere near them.
"Oh boy, I sure hope you look this good when I'm sober!"
1. Talk
This goes for all people. There is only one thing that can ruin a perfectly good drunken hook-up: words coming out of your mouth. Nobody cares that this is your first time making out with someone on top of a hay bale, or that your ex-boyfriend never once looked you in the eyes when you kissed. You keep those sad little details to yourself. Remember, you are nothing more than a body with a mouth to your partner in primal satisfaction. Your feelings and thoughts mean as much to them as Rebecca Black’s new songs mean to the situation in Libya (I still love you RB).
Follow this advice and you too can have a beautifully heinous night of animalistic pleasure.
Sherman Ave 