2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events.

An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2018

AHHHHHHYEAAAAAAYYYYY YOU’RE GOING TO NERDWESTERN NORTHWESTERN NORTHWASTED !!!!!

Congratulations. Sincerely. You took 7 or 8 AP exams and scored somewhere 33+ on your ACT* You wrestled away your school’s student presidency from that fucking bitch Katie Taylor and you sacrificed a healthy sleep schedule for that batch of A pluses.

And now,

It’s all paid off.

The Twelve Worst Things People Say to Northwestern Students

1. “What’s it like going to school in Boston?”
It’s Northwestern, not that other school in Boston. You know, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team?”

2. “How many times have you been to the NCAA tournament?”
Who’s really counting these days (#me #shame #depression)? Anyway, Chris Collins is going to take us to the Promised Land within the next two years, and there’s like a million other sports in which we’re bomb-ass.

3. “Son, your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
Seriously? Have you seen our ACT scores?

8 Notes on the Boston Marathon Bombing

1. I first found out about the Boston Marathon bombings while I was on my way out of one class and on the way to another. There’s something fundamentally weird about hearing of a probable terrorist attack through your ESPN app. When I arrived at my next class, the instructor asked us all to forget about the events in Boston for an hour and a half and try and focus on the course material at hand. It was impossible. I was able to make it through most of the class passing between the readings and coverage of the events, but I lost it while reading a tweet about marathon runners continuing to run to Mass General to donate blood. I think the professor saw me.
2. After class, I purchased a six-pack of Sam Adams and T.G.I. Fridays-brand potato skins for dinner. It seemed like a stoic move at the time, a way to show support for such a beloved and beleaguered city while proclaiming my Americanism. I’m now not so sure about it.

#GetFuckedBC

You never forget your first time.

Hello there.

Are you a BCS team from an automatic qualifier conference? Are you traveling to Evanston in the near future? Are you the Boston College Eagles!?

If so, then on behalf of the Northwestern Wildcat football program and the 250 or so bored students from the Greater Chicagoland area, we cordially invite you to get fucked.

First off, let us begin by complimenting the entire BC defense on how well your faces have recovered from the monstrous welt Kain Colter’s schlong gave you in last year’s season opener.* We’re mostly just impressed that you came back for more after that thorough 24-17 dicking.

Doesn’t the Catholic Church have some sort of policy against the bestiality you are about to endure at the mercy of Venric Mark and the Northwestern wide receiver corps? We always knew that Jesuits were pretty chill about that sort of thing, but still.

Regardless, it’s kind of rude for Notre Dame to seek an injunction against the HHS mandate just so Boston College football won’t be able to receive the sexual health care it will need after getting so totally fucked by NU this Saturday afternoon. It’s not like Notre Dame was going to need any help beating you guys anyway.

Speaking of sensitive religious topics, stop trying to inquisition us.

We know we were once called the Fighting Methodists and all, but nowadays most of our students are either Jewish, godless socialist Democrats, or Markwell. Fitzwizardry isn’t heresy, and with the exception of your defensive backs, nobody’s getting torched this Saturday. Give it a rest, and spend less time trying to impose canonical law with the arm of Chase Rettig and more time getting fucked.

The only thing more depressing than being the third best college accessible via the T will be Chi Chi Ariguzo’s physically and emotionally damaging defense. The only thing more unsettling than Frank Spaziani’s mustache will be how Ifaedi Odenigbo methodically destroys everything you hold holy — starting with Doug Flutie and ending with Tip O’Neill, Scott Brown, and Matt Ryan — in an assault that transcends the boundaries of time, space, and party politics.**

Simply put, Pat Fitzgerald the Fighting Methodists will fuck you worse than the sexual trinity Karl Rove administered to BC Law alum John Kerry in 2004.

Last week, we made a promise and came through. This week we are proud to make another such guarantee.

Get Fucked BC.
———————————————————————————————————————
*My second dick slapping joke in as many weeks. I’m gunning for the record set by Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf in the infamous summer of ’06.
**Seriously, are you guys good at doing anything else besides playing quarterback or serving in Congress?

To stay updated on this weekend’s #GetFuckedBC campaign, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook and look for the intoxicated heinouses shouting ‘Get Fucked BC’ Saturday afternoon at Ryan Field.

Review: Michigan Rex’s “Cities to Burn” EP

Michigan Rex's EP "Cities to Burn"

It is impossible to find two nicer, cooler, down-to-earth and totally pleasant bandmates in all of Boston than Natalie Huizenga and Dylan Hanwright, freshmen at Berklee School of Music in Boston and co-founders of Michigan Rex, a band that blends elements of electronica, indie rock, and pop into one unique sound. In their EP “Cities to Burn,” released in late 2010, Michigan Rex assemble five original songs, as well as two unexpected covers, into one collection that highlights their knack for creating killer songs with only a computer and a microphone. Hanwright, a native of the indie and hardcore rock haven of the Seattle-area, and Huizenga, a veteran of the rich musical scene of Oak Park, IL, deftly synthesize their respective knowledge, talents, and experience into the unified feel of their EP.

The music on “Cities to Burn” is an authoritative declaration of the band’s creative direction, and features an even higher level of talent than that usually expected from students at Berklee College of Music. Although the musical collaboration between Hanwright and Huizenga originated from email exchanges between the members, with Hanwright sending Huizenga backing tracks and Huizenga emailing her vocals back to Hanwright, the two were able to bring the disparate pieces of their music together into cohesive and irresistible songs. Their move to Boston together has only further solidified their musical and personal unity, which hopefully shall continue to grow with future releases.

Perhaps the best example of Michigan Rex’s talent for using their diverse array of talents to create brilliant musical strokes is displayed in their electronic take on Alexi Murdoch’s “All of My Days.” Hanwright creates a rich musical atmosphere that relies on an entire arsenal of synth noises, while Huizenga’s voice dreamily weaves in and out through the piece with the perfect amount of reverb, and the mood of their cover rises and falls in understated swells. Michigan Rex’s ability to seamlessly transform Murdoch’s acoustic track into an electronica version that feels just as natural as the original is representative of the rest of their EP, in which Hanwright and Huizenga blend aspects of electronic and indie musical stylings together until they coalesce into a collection of 7 strikingly splendid songs.

What makes the EP so great is that although Hanwright and Huizenga’s influences are apparent, it is almost impossible to describe who exactly the finished product sounds like. Traditional rock instrumentation fits in perfectly alongside atmospheric electro grooves, all of which augment Huizenga’s powerful vocals. From the meandering lines of “Cities” to the driving beats of “Another Ocean,” Michigan Rex supplies 25.9 minutes of music that thoroughly blurs the line between electronic music and traditional veins of alternative rock.

Now based in Boston, and featuring a full band line-up with additional musicians Drew Krasner, Dalton Harts, and Nick Koechel, Michigan Rex has continued to expand its musical horizon since releasing “Cities to Burn.” Hopefully they continue to grow as a band with more gigs and recordings, but it is clear that the “Cities to Burn” EP lays an incredibly solid foundation for the future of the band.

OVERALL RATING: Mike’s Pastries; Kevin Spacey.

Michigan Rex’s EP “Cities to Burn” is available for download HERE!