Tag Archives: brah

“College is Sick” says Northwestern Freshman to State School Friends

7 Oct
"Man I love college!!! And I love drinking!!! And I love women!!! And I love college!!!!"

“Man I love college!!! And I love drinking!!! And I love women!!! And I love college!!!!”

While other students his age had been frequenting the many local bars their college towns had to offer and sucking shots of Heritage off the flat, pierced stomachs of their peers for a month, Northwestern Freshman Kyle Henderson had been biding his time, Facebook-stalking them all until September 16th.

Once he had marched through the Arch and hung up his John Belushi “Animal House” poster in his Bobb dorm room, Henderson was ready to “rage” like a college kid and even more ready to Continue reading

Counterpoint: The Dark Knight Rises Like the Erection I Got From Watching It — With Some Difficulties but Fairly Well Overall

4 Aug

A graphical representation of Simon and Leo.

Before we begin, I should say that I have now seen The Dark Knight Rises (hereafter TDKR) in theater on three separate occasions. I feel that this qualifies me as an authority on the film in the same sense that stalking Carly Rae Jespen makes Sir Edward Twattingworth III an expert on the lyrics to “Call Me Maybe.” There, I referenced it, can I go on now?

I have seen too many reviews declaring TDKR to be an average, even “bad” movie not worthy of the previous two Batman films by director Christopher Nolan. Since Batman isn’t here to defend himself, I figure a self-confessed sex addict from Eastern Europe is as qualified as any to take up his mantle and cowl. To be blunt, Simon K, Sherman Ave’s esteemed correspondent, falls into the same trap as many other reviewers, declaring TDKR to be bombastic, unremarkable, and full of plot holes; in truth, those descriptors fit Simon’s review better than they do the film. No offense brah.

But first I must confess that I, too, found some major plot holes in TDKR. The following are a few I noticed:

  • Bane performs a non-inoculated blood transfusion while hanging upside down, at altitude, in a disintegrating plane. THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION CLEARLY WAS NOT CONSULTED. At least no animals were harmed, amirite? (Disappointingly, there were only 2 adorable German Shepard police dogs in the film. Thankfully, there were no horses. Fuck horses.)
  • No one except Joseph Gordon-Levitt deduces that Bruce Wayne is Batman. How many Gothamites can afford to throw thousand dollar Batarangs away like they’re pennies? Do you think, when the camera pans off screen, that Batman goes around picking up all his toys to reuse them? After all, Bruce IS broke as shit for the majority of this movie.
  • How did Commissioner Gordon know where to throw the flare to light up the lighter fluid Batsign? Would Batman have provided another flare to ‘Mishner if he had missed? Would he have just used his Go-Go-Gadget Bat Flamethrower? The world will never know.

These fatal plot flaws RUINED MY MOVIE-GOING EXPERIENCE, FOR REALZ AND FOR SERIAL. But really, plot holes do not a bad film make, Simon. I would rather have a plot-intensive film with some issues than a totally smooth but unremarkable story. Unless that unremarkable story is, like, starring Will Ferrell or something, because he totally carries that shit. Also, contrary to Simon’s claims, no new information was introduced by the ghost of Ra’s Al Ghul — I know this because I’ve checked, and rechecked, and then checked again because I saw this movie in theaters three times and shutup that’s why.

Since I’m already advocating for a defenseless, sexually frustrated (LOLunderstatement), obsessive-compulsive, polisophile (Greek for one who is erotically attracted to his city) playboy who refuses to kill people but hurts them so badly they wish they were dead, I figured I would address some other complaints out there. I’ve seen other critics ask how Batman could have escaped the prison and re-entered Gotham. I guess it’s a thing now to doubt billionaire ninjas with connections to the most powerful people and technologies the world has ever known. Same goes for dodging a nuclear explosion with 5 seconds to go. Totally not a plot-hole that actually makes you go “lolwutfucksaw?”

At the annual Gotham City Keg Race, circa 1967.

Back again, now, to Simon’s complaints, because I, too, like to keep my reviews spastic enough to justify a Ritalin prescription. What’s the confusion about Bruce Wayne boning Miranda Tate? As you said, THOSE EYES. Also, THAT ACCENT. Bruce finds out the love of his life was going to choose some asshole lawyer over THE GODDAMN BATMAN. Of course he’s going to go out and get some. That’s how self-destructive people recover from disappointment. The real surprise is that he didn’t immediately go for DAT BODY on Catwoman. Seriously, this is the chick from Princess Diaries?! I need to go rent Love and Other Drugs. And Princess Diaries 2, because how WILL she handle all that pressure? She’s just a normal girl in a princess world!!! But as turned on as I was by Catwoman’s awesome bodeh, I too was turned off by her stereotypical and lame quips. Batman and Bane both have their puns and one-liners, but something about Catwoman’s retorts seemed off.

I personally loved seeing Batman and Bane duke it out. Those were some intense body-shots they were throwing. And we got to see it! So many movies hide the action with shaky cameras and other visual obfuscation. Those are PUSSY movies. Batman is NOT a pussy. Except when he gets his VERTEBREH dislodged. Total pussy move.

Honestly Simon, it appears that most of your complaints boil down to “this is more of a superhero movie than I expected and AH HATE IT!” Between Catwoman’s quips, Bane wanting to slowly punish Gotham, and Batman needing to “find himself” and recover from an impossible injury and stop a nuclear bomb at the last second, this is definitely the most “superhero” Nolan-does-Batman film of the series. Does that make it bad? I certainly don’t think so. Does that mean it can’t hold a candle to its predecessors? Hardly.

During one of the most powerful moments in TDKR, Alfred says: “Maybe it’s time people stop trying to outsmart the truth and let it have its day.” Simon, my dear, the truth is this: you are not smarter than this movie, and it is not bad.

Also, fuck Robin.

The Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever

7 Dec

You may have heard of Rick Perry. He’s a candidate for president running in the Republican Party. He used to be George Bush’s pet lieutenant governor in Texas and was reportedly scarred by separation anxiety after Georgie Boy left him for Washington.

He also owned a shooting ranch. He decided the name of that ranch should probably have the most racially offensive word his limited vocabulary could think of.

Here’s another fun fact: Rick Perry is not going to be president. However, he released today a super cool new campaign ad that will make you all love him. Here it is:

Without further ado, I present the Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever:

1. The Title
Strong? That’s a weird way to spell “Blatant Hail Mary for the Evangelical Vote in Iowa.”

2. “I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian.”
Yeah, well thanks to assholes like you, the rest of us are. It’s because of homophobes like this that other Christians have to spend all day explaining that we like the parts of the Bible about “luhhing thy neighbor” and “blessed are the poor” and “eternal salvation” more than the dietary restrictions or instructions on selling thine daughters into slavery. Like, seriously, stop it. I’m sick of explaining that 1% of the Christians own 90% of the bigotry.

3. “You don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong.”
It’s literally like he views religion as some sort of item on a checklist. You sat in a pew on a particular day of the week? FORGET WHAT YOU BELIEVE OR DO, YOU ARE NOW A CHRISTIAN CONGRATS WE’RE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU.

4. “There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military”
Yeah I just doubled up on a line. What of it? That’s how fucking heinous this piece of horseshit ad is. Now then, there is almost nothing that angers me more than people demanding that all them gays be kept out of the military. While I have never served in the military, I’m pretty fucking sure that when you’re running into a hail of gunfire there is almost nothing as irrelevant as which type of genitalia you prefer in and around your mouth.

5. “But our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school”
Bro. I went to public school. We celebrated the living shit out of Christmas. So much Christmas. So little not Christmas. Now go change your underwear, take your pills and get back in your cage.

But in terms of school prayer, Rickie Bobby Redux hit the nail on the head. I’d sit in school all day just bursting at the seams to pray! But every time I tried, that dadgum Obamer would run in lock me up at the Guantanamo Bay just for thinking of it. It’s an outrage! Thank goodness there’s a candidate who finally had the guts to make school prayer an issue in a presidential election. Stupid Titmonger.

6. The fact that he stops walking up the hill after like three steps
Just going for a casual three-step stroll? Cool brah. I hope you’re happy with your life choices.

7. “I’ll end Obama’s war on religion”
No no, silly. That’s “Obama’s war on bin Laden” that you’re thinking of. And newsflash: YEEEEAAAHHHHH WE GOT HIMMMMMM. VICTORYYYYYY.

8. That his staff forgot to turn off the ability to like/dislike this video
As of my most recent viewing, 97.71% of those who responded disliked the video. Literally. 46,000 dislikes to 1,000 likes. You couldn’t get 97.71% of Americans to agree on how much they hate something if it was a contest between Casey Anthony and Adele.

9. His hair is so nice
Ugh. I’m gonna be bald by the time I’m forty. Fuck Rick Perry.

Wait, I was supposed to come up with ten things I hated? But I only have nine… Uhhh… What was that tenth one again? We had the uh… There was the… the… title and the uh… the war on religion… and uh… I can’t. The tenth one. Oops.

Got him.