Freshman Guide: Breaking Up with Your High School Significant Other

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The fall semester is coming to a close, Christmas is approaching, and you are turning yourself into one giant sweater. However, with the holiday season comes another important annual occurrence: the end of your high school relationship. Yes, just as Kris Kringle shimmies down your chimney to give you a new iPhone and PS4 (PS4, MOM, NOT PS3. JESUS.), you similarly will wriggle your way out the relationship that was doomed to eventual failure over nine months ago when admission letters came out.

While breaking up is never an easy thing to do, it does not have to be an entirely bad experience. That’s why we here at Sherman Ave have gotten together to bring you the five best tips for breaking up with your significant other:

The Top Ten Reasons You And Your Girlfriend Are Going To Break Up

Bro it’s not looking good bro

1. She’s no longer impressed by your ability to eat an entire Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready.

2. She doesn’t twerk for you anymore.

3. She still twerks, though.

4. She broke her phone and did not include you on her “Broke My Phone and Need New Numberz” group message.

The White Stripes Announce Official Break-up

We were totally into them way before Napoleon Dynamite

Today shall go down as a demoralizingly sad day in history for all music fans who love Detroit Blues-influenced Alternative Rock, crazy music videos, and exceptionally shitty drumming. The White Stripes announced this morning, via their website, that the band has officially ended, and no more new recordings or tour dates are in the works. Jack and Meg White, the enigmatic yet eccentric duo that became one of the most successful and popular alternative bands of the past decade, explained their decision as an attempt “to preserve what is beautiful and special about the band and have it stay that way,” and added by solemnly declaring that, “The White Stripes do not belong to Meg and Jack anymore. The White Stripes belong to you now and you can do with it whatever you want.”

There’s a lot to be said about just how much The White Stripes meant to their fans and the alternative music scene in general. Jack White, one of the more creative and talented, albeit crazy, modern musicians, will continue to do his thing with bands like The Raconteurs and The Dead Weather. But none of these bands will probably ever match the excitement and unique complexion found within the music of The White Stripes. In the end, all we can do is wish the band a hearty “so long” for now, and wait for a reunion tour with bated breath.