9 Historically-Inspired Pornos That Never Made It

The document is also famous for requiring King John to adhere to a predetermined safe word

9. Magnum Carta
In a shocking display of civic and sexual liberty, a group of well-endowed barons fight against the tyranny of King John “Softsword” of England by proclaiming their freedom from arbitrary sexual mores. A merry jaunt throughout the English countryside ensues, including a “jousting” match with King Arthur over Guinevere, an ill-fated run in with the Duke of Cunterbury, and an intense search for the Holy Grail of Virility in a nunnery. This historical work is sure to probe the annals of history with by transporting the audience back to the days before body-shaving became an accepted social practice.

8. Battle of Assterlitz
In this no-holes barred epic sparring match between three emperors, Napoleon proves that it’s not size that matters, but how you use it. Making up for his diminutive height with excessive girth, Napoleon (a.k.a. “The Dicka from Corsica”) dominates Alexander I before introducing the liberal French concept of mutual oral sex to Central Europe and instituting the Napoleonic Bro-Code over all his subjects. Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy would later chronicle the event in his famed 1400-page historical novel War and Peace and Splooge

Armstrong sexiling Aldrin from the lunar module

7. Full Moon Landing
The year 1969 just got even better. Famed astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decide to take their American thrusters up to the moon to try and go where no man has ever gone before. After “planting their flag” in extra-terrestrial terrain, the two men then troll for martian babes in their lunar rover, eventually finding three sisters named the Sirens of Titan to engage in some of the most captivating zero-gravity zallywhacking caught on tape. Conspiracy theorists still claim that Armstrong’s landing was faked, but Full Moon Landing‘s point-of-view evidence is hard to ignore.

6. Pythagoras and the Love Triangle
Two Athenian women. One Greek philosopher. Triangles have never been so scintillating and geometry has never been cooler, as Pythagoras learns how to solve one of the most complex dilemmas of all time with just a simple right angle.

And you thought that today's porn stars had weird facial hair

5. Pickett’s Large!
July 3, 1863 was a day that shook America, as thousands of sexually frustrated women from both sides of the Mason-Dixon line marched uphill across a mile-long plain in pursuit of charming, pretty-boy Confederate general George Pickett’s notoriously gargantuan package. A ferocious battle ensued, as the hungry hordes fought amongst themselves viciously for the commander’s famed freakstick. After a sweltering afternoon full of girl-on-girl action, the victor of the bi-curious competition would ruefully be Mary Todd Lincoln, renowned leg-spreader. Years later, her only reflections on the experience would be: “Well, he certainly wasn’t a Little Round Top!”

4. Gang of Six
Balancing the budget has never been sexier as these six senators are forced to put aside their partisan differences in order to raise the roof (and the debt ceiling) with their clout. In the craziest sex act Congress has witnessed since Speaker of the House Boehner fellated every member of the Tea Party in 2010, Sen. Sexby Chambliss (R, GA) and Sen. Tricky-Dick Durbin (D, IL) spearhead a mind-boggling orgy of budget cuts and tax-raising that leaves Sen. Kent Cumrad (D, ND) shrieking in ecstasy and Sen. Tom Cobourn (R, OK) laying in the corner covered in body fluid and defaulted U.S. government bonds. Directed by Harry Reid and produced by President Obama, this masterpiece has received rave reviews that suggest it might be the best American political porno since Ronald Rumpleforeskin Invades Grenada: Operation Urgent Fury.

She was also in flagrant violation of Charles VII's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy

3. Joan of Arc: The Maid of Orlèans
Claiming divine guidance, Joan attempts to throw off the shackles of English rule by sleeping with as many English soldiers as possible to convince them of France’s sexual superiority. Originally force to disguise herself as a man, a task she excels at, Joan miraculously lifts the siege of Orlèans with a simple lift of her skirt. After a role-play incident involving a witch’s costume goes terribly awry, however, she is burned at the stake for heresy. She was later exonerated, and named the patron saint of the French and trannies everywhere.

2. The Boobonic Plague
14th Century Europe gets rocked by the greatest disease ever witnessed. When Europe’s female population is exposed to this infection, they experience surprisingly large growth in the chest area and ravenous sexual desire, nearly overwhelming the male population and spreading the disease like wildfire. Bawdier than one of Chaucer’s wet dreams and starring Brooklyn Decker and Pamela Anderson as two serfs desperately searching for a cure before their backs break, this film tells the tale of how one epidemic forever changed the face, and breasts, of Europe.

Bet 7th Grade Social Studies never taught you about Revere's whip fetish

1. One If By Rear, Two If By Mouth
The British are cumming! Since a young age, we’ve been told all about Paul Revere’s heroic journey through the American colonies to warn his fellow countrymen of the approaching British, but we’ve never had as much exposure to the other aspect of his legend – his insatiable sexual appetite. In this classic, Revere tours the Original 13, regaling his female compatriots with his glorious meat-staff and giving a whole new meaning to “Paul Revere’s ride.” Don’t miss the plot twist at the end of the story, as Revere joins forces with his old wingman William Dawes to double the level of pre-revolutionary plowing.

–Evander Jones and Ross Packingham

Famous Moments in Hook Up History

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two consenting parties to get their mutual rocks off, mankind has resorted time and time again to the perennial spectacle of the “Hook Up” in order to satisfy its carnal needs. From casual make-out sessions to all-out boot knocking, humans have been engaged in the barter of sexual favors pretty much ever since we evolved to develop the capacity for euphemisms, and at an increasingly rapid pace since the invention of alcohol, Cosmo, and the internet. But despite the interminable nature of this miraculous form of erotic consortium, there are some moments in hook up lore that truly stand above and beyond the rest of the fray. These aren’t just your run-of-the-mill regrettable one-night stands, but rather moments of extraordinary courage and fervor, where the libido of two humans changed the course of human history forever.

The evolutionary process enables humans to complete the walk of shame faster than any other mammal

48,000 BC: Caveman and Cavewoman
Historians have concluded that the first hook up in the history of man occurred approximately 20 minutes after Homo sapiens reached full behavioral modernity. The inaugural event, commemorated on cave walls and cave chat rooms everywhere, is rumored to have taken place at the annual Festival of the Woolly Mammoth, when a noticeably intoxicated caveman of the local Sig Ep tribe managed to seduce a female, forget her name at least three different times, and engage in a brief and thoroughly mediocre tryst with her. The next morning, the proud male reportedly never even considered hunting breakfast for her the next morning, and neglected to send smoke signals her way after a three-day waiting period. During their next encounter at a cave party in Lascoux, France, the two cordially greeted each other, but then quickly separated to avoid the shame and awkwardness that was to forever plague the human race.

Alright, my roommate's gone for the next 30 minutes. Let's see how fertile the Nile Delta really is.

41 BC: Cleopatra and Mark Antony
The inventor of the “power trip,” Cleopatra was never quite satisfied ruling over one of the greatest civilizations in the world or bearing Julius Caesar’s child. Instead, she cooped up in her love den with Marcus Antonius (the most tantalizing triumvir in all the Roman Empire) in what became one of the most geo-politically significant coitions of all time. Using highly sensitive facial recognition technology, archaeologists have determined that Cleopatra was approximately 56,000 times hotter than a combination between Brooklyn Decker and Pippa Middleton, which goes a long way to explaining why Antony preferred to get his freaky on in Alexandria than return to Rome and his wife Octavia. Pascal once that “Cleopatra’s nose, had it been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been changed,” which means that, had Cleopatra been less of a slampiece or Antony less of a gallant philanderer, Octavian might never have risen to power as Augustus, and the world never would have inherited such valuable cultural contributions from the Roman Empire as corrupt politicians, togas, and lax sexual mores.

"If I were casting for a modern film interpretation of our romance, I'd totally get Claire Danes to play you."

1591 AD: Romeo and Juliet
In a now classic move, two adolescents met each other for the first time at a lame party and fell instantly, nay noxiously, in love with the first person to ever requite their affection. This hook up practically wrote the template for horny teenagers using make-out sessions to rebel against their family, and imbued western society with a healthy dose of suspicion towards drug-dealing Friars that hang out with 15 year old girls. That, combined with the fact that any male who can recite the balcony scene is instantly guaranteed to get some at any time he so desires, makes Romeo and Juliet’s horrifically saccharine relationship qualify for a position amongst the masters of the art of the hook up.

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1788 AD: Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings
Jefferson’s 38-year relationship with his slave Hemings that produced 6 children born into slavery was not just one of numerous blights on American Presidential history and convoluted racial past, but also a testament to three of the most important aspects of most hook ups: lying, hypocrisy, and shame. It took major cojones to write that all men are created equal and born with unalienable rights, and then to turn around and use those cojones to knock up a slave. Like most other men, Jefferson never divulged the truth about his affair, and the shame of his duplicity still hangs over the nation even worse than the memory of that one time with those two theater majors and a bottle of rum.

You have no idea what's hidden beneath those robes.

1928 AD: Harry Blackmun and Tiffani Brooking
During Justice Blackmun’s junior year at Harvard, the Lambda Chi brother experienced a regrettable one-night stand with his Con Law study partner. The episode turned far more distressing, however, during the ensuing pregnancy scare. It is said that the tense period when Blackmun wondered if he would become a father at the age of 20 greatly affected the future Supreme Court Justice, eventually playing the deciding role in his authoring of the Court’s Roe v. Wade decision. The American hook up scene would be a much different world without Blackmun’s passionate advocacy of abortion rights, earning this jowly Minnesotan the distinction of having partaken in one of the most important hook ups in all hook up history.