BREAKING: Bruce Springsteen Not to Perform at A&O Blowout Just Like Fucking Last Year

The Boss, delivering an awe-inspiring show somewhere fucking other than Welsh-Ryan Arena.

EVANSTON, IL — Just like fucking last year, Rock and Roll icon and American legend Bruce Springsteen will not perform next month at A&O Blowout, University President Morton Schapiro announced during this morning’s freshman convocation.

The annual fall concert, which for yet another year will not feature the single greatest live performer that has ever graced God’s green Earth, will be held Oct. 12 at Welsh-Ryan Arena.

According to eyewitness accounts, the announcement was delivered by a visibly dejected President Schapiro.

“I had really been hoping to give this Class of 2016 something special. An unforgettable night of passionate heartland rock anthems dedicated to the unsung heroes of American life, coupled with soulful explorations of the vast and promising New Jersey night and delivered by the heart-stopping musical might that is the E-Street band,” read President Schapiro listlessly. “But now, just like so many goddamn years before, I have to sit here and say that instead of providing you with the most mind-blowing concert experience of your lives, those douchemuffins at A&O went out and got a past-his-prime hip hop artist and some fucking indie taint band who play that one song that was covered on Glee.”

Added Schapiro, “Fuck me.”

Although archival research indicates that although A&O Productions claims to bring top-notch large-scale programming since its inception in 1969, not once have they fucking brought Bruce Springsteen to perform at A&O Blowout. The student group has come under increased pressure ever since failing to bring Prince and the Revolution to the 2007 A&O Spring Ball.

Childish Gambino will headline this year’s show, which will be noticeably void of The Boss’s manically energetic stage presence, poignant lyrics chronicling the faith and disappointment engendered by the American dream, or crotch-first power slides.

10 Reasons Why You Should Apply to be a Writer for Sherman Ave

Everything the sun touches will be yours

10. You want to get involved on campus.
Sherman Ave is a great way to get involved, because… well…
…okay, there’s a reason this is number ten. But it sure is a hell of a lot better way to get involved here at Northwestern than joining a group of peppy undergrads who sing a capella covers of Yellowcard.

9. You aren’t currently a writer on Sherman Ave.
Realistically, you aren’t content with that. Join us, and we will imbue your life with meaning and satisfaction.

Ross Packingham as a child

8. The lifestyle.
Drugs, sex, and rock and roll. Except it would be more aptly described as alcohol, alcohol, and Bruce Springsteen. C’mon, all the cool kids are doing it. So is some twat named Evander Jones.

7. You love Morty.
We love Morty. Is that not enough? Just think about the man’s silky, silvery beard and how much you’d love to write articles about it.

6. Pseudonyms.
Everyone secretly yearns for a secret identity. As a writer on Sherman Ave, you’ll get the chance to not only have a secret identity, but to have a secret identity that offends at least 85% of the global population.

Warning: All new Sherman Ave writers must first pledge their undying love and allegiance to Pippa before they can start writing

5. You’re unnecessarily attracted to Pippa Middleton.
Join the club, champ.

4. It’s free.
We live in a world where nearly everything costs money – barring, of course, happiness. And while money can’t buy happiness, being a writer on Sherman Ave can bring you relative happiness from the heinousness and despair you thrust upon others. And if that’s not enough to warm the cockles of your frigid heart, just think of all the slampieces you’ll bag as a writer for this blog (unless, of course, you first have to explain to her that you are the true identity of somebody named “Sir Edward Twattingworth III”).

3. You went to Lyons Township High School.
We don’t know what it is about that place, but they manage to crank out more atrocious individuals than Octo-Mom would if she were boinking Fred Phelps.

2. You came to our informational meeting.
It was at Burger King at 1 o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. You wore a three-piece suit with a keyboard tie. We were visibly intoxicated. Don’t even try telling us you were just there for the food.

A graphical representation of the Sherman Ave community

1. The people.
Sherman Ave is an excellent group of people, who will do everything from drunkenly showing up to a house party dressed as John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe to beaning you in the cranium with freshly-picked apples. The people who aren’t us want to be us. And the people who don’t want to be us are probably from one of the following countries: Latvia, New Zealand, Iceland, Uruguay, Brazil, Kyrgyzstan, São Tomé and Príncipe, France, or Costa Rica.