NEW HAVEN, Conn.—A report from Yale’s School of Medicine published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that you, the reader, are a total failure and, quite frankly, an insult to the human race.
In a recent interview, head researcher Edward Feynberg made clear that the report is indeed referring to you, not to the person next to you or behind you. “Stop turning your head left and right, looking around like a damn buffoon,” he noted. “You look like an idiot. We’re talking to you.”
“How does it make you feel, fuckface?” asked Feynberg. “I hope it makes you feel awful, because you’re a waste. You’re nothing. Remember how all you did in college was sit on your bed, picking your nose and flicking your boogers over to your roommate’s side of the room? Disgusting. God, you’re awful.”
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” asked Vanessa Donovan, another researcher Continue reading