11 Things I’d Do For a Klondike Bar

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I don’t know about you, but I freaking love Klondike Bars®. They are my morning, noon, and night. A frosty cold Klondike Bar® is the wind beneath my wings, taking me higher and higher on a path to glorious ecstasy.

Other Potential Uses for the NU Emergency Notification System

The Wanted are coming for Dillo Day!?

Ever since Northwestern started calling us more frequently than biddies desiring a triple-x throw down dial 1-800-MIX-A-LOT, we’ve been trying to come up with other uses of Northwestern’s Emergency Notification System to utilize when the system isn’t busy notifying students and parents every time that the Fiji brothers spike the water supply with acid. Possible ideas are as follows:

Regrettable Hookup Notification
If only there was somebody besides your wingwoman frantically gesticulating in the corner of the Keg to warn you that the dude currently grinding into your junk looks like a cross between Joakim Noah and a Ringwraith. But with the Regrettable Hookup Notification system sending you voicemails every five minutes to alert you that your potential hookup is a 5.5 or worse, your second cousin, or a mechanical engineer, you’ll never shamefully hookup with a Sherman Ave writer again!

Open Bar Bulletin
One of the few text-message forewarnings you’ll actually heed. North campus has been overrun with zombies after an electrical fire in Tech released them from captivity? Eh, text me when the moat is fixed. Free booze all night? I WANT TO GO TO THERE AND DRINK UNTIL I HAVE ALL THE ALKEHOLZ AND DANCE TO ALL THE ONE DIRECTIONZ AND OMIGOD I LUUUUUUVE WHISKEY SOURZZZ!!!

Racial Controversy Alarm
Sample University-authored alert messages include, “University Police report there is a racial controversy brewing in the basement of SAE,” “EMERGENCY UPDATE: Officials are currently working to prevent painful reminders of this nation’s sensitive racial history from surfacing in some of the most uncomfortable ways,” and “Please, for the love of God, can we just cool it with the blackface?”

Hot Cookie Bar Release
This communique serves multiple functions, both alerting undergraduates of the sexual release that is waiting for them in Hinman while simultaneously warning of the impending stampede of Freshman already lining up to indulge in sweet half-baked orgasmy goodness.

CA-dar
It may not take Freshmen too long to recalibrate their gaydars to Northwestern, but in the meantime their CA-dars will be woefully underdeveloped. For all those who haven’t already studied up, Northwestern should send out text messages, emails, and automated phone calls to all students and their parents whenever a CA suspects that the a cappella renditions of The Script’s “Breakeven” and the smell of Burnett’s escaping from underneath your door is grounds to disrupt your Wednesday night viewing of National Treasure 2 party.

Caution: Bitches be p-trippin’

Power Trip Alert
The University needs to protect the physical and spiritual welfare of its students, which has been placed in grave danger by the number of p-trips rumbling through the northern suburbs. Expect emergency notifications whenever a Freshman correctly navigates his or her way through Tech, somebody accidentally takes Sherman Ave seriously, or every time Mayor Tisdahl wakes up in the morning. As if that would save you…

Who to follow/like on Twitter/Facebook

This kid likes Sherman Ave. And somebody called Kate Upton.

Let’s assume, for a second, that you’re heinous. I know, I know: You? You’d never be heinous! Heinous is a bad thing! Like classes that don’t allow laptops or the fact that Tim Pawlenty was so drastically overlooked in the rational-fest that is the GOP primary! But based on the fact that you’re reading this honorable website, I’m gonna say you might be heinous.

And, if you’re as heinous as I imagine, then you may be thinking to yourself, “Ugh I totes feel like I don’t rully follow enough awesome people on social media!” Have no fear: Sir T-Worth is here to ruin the Internet with a nice little list of the best accounts to like or follow on Facebook or Twitter.

Sherman Ave
Why the hell haven’t you liked and followed us yet? We’re fucking hilarious. Do it now.

Your Friend From High School (@FriendFromHS)
This is probably the best parody account on the internet. Seamlessly weaving heinousness, ignorance, terrific spelling, unthinkable abbreves, plotlines and alcoholism into 140 character tidbits, FriendFromHS captures the essence of every townie. You’ll be treated (or tweeted!!! GET IT?!!?) to such joys as “WHY DOES EVER BARTENDA OR HIGH SCHOOL COACH I SLEEP WIT HAVE A WIFE?!?! uggggh #happyvd” and get to know her newly born twins, Caylee and JonBenet. This is potentially our pinnacle as a species.

Not Buster Olney (@Tripping_Olney)
If you love sports or comedy or ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney, look no further. TrippingOlney is the one account that successfully takes a sober, vanilla sports reporter and accurately puts him on LSD. Tweets like “WHY’D THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? TO AVOID BEING SIGNED BY THE METS” provide a welcome respite from all the other incredibly serious accounts on this list. And you know it’s funny because he tweets in ALL CAPS.

Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden)
Sweet sultry seamstress of sexual synergy! America’s favorite underage future-sex-tape-star has never been one to hold back, be it in her choice of husband, affinity for flirting with pumpkins, or on Twitter. Stodden, who rose to fame for her, um, “mature” looks and marriage to former LOST star and 51-year-old Doug Hutchison at the age of 16, uses Twitter as her personal release for all that lusty, lusty lust she has pent up. She also uses an unthinkable amount of alliteration. Which is cool. But guys, she’s 17. Is this whole situation legal?

Did you seriously just tweet about how you became the mayor of the Norris Crepe Station?

Jed Bartlet(@Pres_Bartlet)
If you’re a West Wing fan, this is 2 e-z. But even if you’re not it’s well worth your time to follow the “fictional” president from the show. Bartlet’s tweets have the ability to appear as snappy 140-character one-liners, yet often make a valid point in a witty, concise way. The account’s creators stay true to the show’s character and stick both to his politics and style. But be warned: Bartlet was a Democrat (and perhaps the greatest president we’ve ever had) and his tweets follow suit. Santorum-huggers may want to stay away.

Facebook
OMG like it on Facebook, it’s so meta! Meta on meta on meta. Everything’s meta, I love being meta. I have no idea what meta means.

Newt Gingrich Ideas (@GingrichIdeas)
Newt Gingrich loves thinking of stuff. He loves thinking of himself as President, he loves thinking of divorcing his wife for a younger version, he loves thinking of the moon, and he loves thinking of ideas. This account has a direct link to Newt’s brain and such brilliant ideas as “Kittens.” or “Trick a Muslim into eating pork so I can steal his powers” or “Show up at the Grammys in a wig and accept all of Adele’s awards.” If we get enough people to follow this account, the Republican primary voters might remember he exists again!

George Takei
Guys he’s so funny. Like literally, who could have foreseen that Lt. Sulu would end up this balla? His Facebook page has seriously become my one-stop shop for all things random, funny, inappropriate, poignant, and in favor of marriage equality. He’s the definition of the old guy who knows how to use Facebook and he’s done a great job of establishing a personal relationship with his fans through caption contests and personal posts. We must reward this kind of behavior. Like him immediately.

Northwestern Girl (@NrthwesternGrl)
She just gets us. Northwestern Girl takes all of NU’s subtle habits, phrases, and tendencies and combines them into the epitome of an overachieving sorostitute who casually lives in Norris. Her knowledge of what makes NU students tick is at once enviable and horrifying, and tweets such as “We should totally do that. Let’s go during reading week!” and “When are you getting to Evanston slash when are we getting together???? FREAKING OUT” will leave you giggling alone in your room because you have no friends.

Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson)
Rainn Wilson’s Twitter picture is currently Jeremy Lin. That’s pretty all you need to know about this account. Wilson, who plays Dwight on the popular American version of the British smash hit comedy “The Office” airing Thursday nights on NBC even though Steve Carrell left, tackles comedy, politics, and everything weird on this account. Perhaps the best way to summarize Wilson’s eclectic Tweeting style is through this one: “They keep switching T-Mobile girls & thinking we won’t notice. Like Bewitched.”

Jenna Marbles (@Jenna_Marbles)
She’s taught us how to do The Face. She’s filled us in on how to trick people into thinking you’re good looking. She let us know what the ladiez do in the car. But now, everyone’s favorite YouTube

It's no Dmitri, but it'll get the job done.

comedian/likely stripper is dispensing her knowledge on the Twitters. Marbles fills her page with tidbits of heinous to keep us informed on how to like the white girl trash lifestyle 24/7. Anecdotes like “I just did the walk of shame from my living room to my bedroom” and “Couple of shots of tequila deep. Anyone else? Just me? Cool. *cries about life*” let you know that she’s the real deal, too.

Burnett’s (@_Burnetts)
This parody account highlights the lowlights of consuming perhaps the fifth worst vodka known to man. Tweets range from follower-submitted Burnett’s horror stories to polite encouragement that comes in handy when you’re reconsidering your life choices. Usually hilarious, _Burnett’s lets us remember that there are other heinouses out there in the world, if only you know where to look. One note of caution: sometimes this shit is too real.