Huge Stick Found up Student Conduct Officer’s Ass

The stick in question. Not pictured: the ass. (via exo-terra.com)

EVANSTON, Il – A student conduct officer was rushed to the hospital Wednesday evening after a stick was found up his ass, Northwestern University officials say.

This marks the third stick-in-ass report for the Office of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution in the past year alone, an epidemic that has left the department short-staffed.

“It’s definitely a problem,” paramedic Dan Snow, a first responder, said. “It’s almost as if all of these student conduct workers have sticks up their asses.”

Despite the medical urgency of the situation, authorities quickly

Flo Rida and Pitbull’s “Can’t Believe It,” As Narrated by Obi-Wan Kenobi

It was bound to happen. After years of systematically working their way into every song that could possibly be on the radio and simultaneously amassing both millions of haters and many more millions of dollars, rappers/human equivalents of lighting a cigar with a $100-dollar bill Flo Rida and Pitbull have finally teamed up with “Can’t Believe It,” a modern ripoff, err, ode, to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s iconic “Baby Got Back.”

Scantily-Endowed Student Has Difficulty Dancing to “Bubble Butt”

Usher’s her jam.

PALM BEACH–22-year-old Abby Palumbo is experiencing considerable difficulty dancing to Major Lazer’s recent single “Bubble Butt,” according to witness reports trickling in at 8:00 PM tonight. The beautiful and somewhat gangly Communications major says her awkwardness in executing the song’s demands is directly related to her body type’s incompatibility with the subject matter.

“I can do the ‘turn around’ part,” sighed Palumbo. But everything else…it’s like “My Humps” all over again.  I’ll be at the bar waiting for “Shorty Got Low,” I guess.”