1) The US News & World Report will rank Northwestern in the Top 10 Best Schools in the Nation.
Opening date: June 20 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)
2) The University will purchase 25 new safe ride cars.
3) The new student center and lakeside athletic facilities will be built literally overnight, complete with sports bar.
4) Morty will commission a Continue reading
AHHHHHHYEAAAAAAYYYYY YOU’RE GOING TO NERDWESTERN NORTHWESTERN NORTHWASTED !!!!!
Congratulations. Sincerely. You took 7 or 8 AP exams and scored somewhere 33+ on your ACT* You wrestled away your school’s student presidency from that fucking bitch Katie Taylor and you sacrificed a healthy sleep schedule for that batch of A pluses.
And now,
It’s all paid off.
Dear Northwestern Student,
(Yeah you, you nameless, irrelevant $60,000 check)
Fall quarter classes are now available for evaluation. The CTEC site will remain open until 11:59 pm Sunday, December 15.
(You have three weeks to do this, but we’re emailing you about it now so you can start freaking out about how much you have to do before finals.) Continue reading
Dear employee(s) of the Blackboard “Course Management System”,
I imagine most days are pretty monotonous at Blackboard HQ. Outside of the orgies with the guy who runs CAESAR, the guy who decides what hours the dining halls are open, and the guy who kept the doors of Deering Library closed for forty-two years, there isn’t much to do. Most days probably just consist of the Continue reading
Hello future Wildcat! In a just about a month, you’ll start your new life here at Northwestern University. A lot of big decisions are headed your way. Should I bring a mini-fridge? What color should my shower caddy be? Should I show my roommate my mole that looks just like the Pope? (Yes/Burnt Sienna/show the WORLD)
Out of these, one of the most pressing decisions you’re going to have to make is what you want to major in.
Deering Forum
So you’ve been accepted to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty and importance, and this school will spend the next four years reminding you of that fact. So now that you have a little perspective, it’s time to get you prepped on everything you’ll need to know to survive the gauntlet of purple and white!
Soon, the Daily Northwestern, NBN, your parents, and dozens of other sources will be filling you in on the best dining halls, the characteristics of the two sides of campus and what the party scene is like. Even The Flipside will take the opportunity to desperately grasp at readership by printing freshman-oriented pieces.
Since old Uncle Samwise can’t do a better job than the rest at giving you everything you’ll need to know, I’ll have to settle for giving everything else you’ll need to know.
One Northwestern. One Shitshow.
In the wake of a heated Associated Student Government Senate meeting last Wednesday night, ASG President Ani Ajith is scrambling to fill numerous vacancies for cabinet positions left unconfirmed following the acrimonious session. While ASG‘s failure to confirm the chief of staff, vice president for public relations and associate vice president for diversity and inclusion positions for political, racial, and fecal reasons received wide coverage, the following seven essential positions also remain unconfirmed.
1. Smash Mouth’s slot at Dillo Day
Despite widespread support for the 1990s pop-rock band’s appointment to Dillo Day‘s traditional “Bands-You-Listened-To-In-Middle-School-Nostalgic-Daytime Slot,” the selection committee’s nomination was blocked by senate vote following a contentious floor debate. Bobb senator Biff Pemberton expressed concern with the band’s rumored appointment, claiming that the band “just wasn’t experienced enough” for the responsibility of performing for thousands of drunken college kids. Pemberton went on to filibuster the proceedings, playing Smash Mouth’s 2005 Christmas album Gift of Rock on repeat for eight-hours nonstop.
MONDAY
Harry: Looks like everything is lined up except for my discussion sections! I’m really lucky, I got into all the classes I wanted. And it doesn’t matter who I have for my discussions, so it’s totally whatever.
Ron: All the classes look pretty good to me, I guess I’m just going to have to single out which ones require the fewest textbooks. Divination maybe?
Hermione: I want to take the most interesting and challenging classes possible. Probably Organic Potions, and maybe Defense Against the Dark Arts: An Econometric Approach.
“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to use this absolute shithole of a program.”
Neville: I’m going to go for easy classes this quarter, because I’m incredibly incompetent. Is there a wizarding equivalent to SESP?
Seamus: Being proud of my Irish heritage, I’d like to learn more about the history of my people. I mean, my last name is Finnegan, for fuck’s sake.
Draco: I think I’ll go for classes that will benefit me the most in my career. Serious classes.
Cho: My parents want me to go pre-med. I tried explaining to them that I’m a wizard. I’ll really take anything at this point. Continue reading
Look at me (this article.) Then look at Facebook. Now back. To me.
In the time it took you to switch pages, you would’ve been logged out of CAESAR, Northwestern’s all-purpose online tool for everything from bill payments to class signups and beyond.
I came, I saw, I dicked you over for registration.
Sherman Ave 