As Dillo Day approaches, the Northwestern Student body at large is counting the days and wondering: who will be the final two acts? With the announcements that both Walk the Moon and Danny Brown will be performing, along with the expected announcement of Smash Mouth, students and arbitrary townies of Evanston now wait with baited breath to learn who else will be whetting their Dillo palates. After extensive research and multiple FOIA requests, we at Sherman Ave have narrowed the list of potential performers down to five artists who we believe, while they may not all be fan favorites, are the acts that are most likely to fill those spots. In no particular order:
“Daft Punk has a new album coming out? I didn’t know that!” – Nobody
1. Daft Punk
With their new album Random Access Memories set for a May 17th release, what better place to promote it than at the spring festival for a medium-sized private university in Evanston, Illinois? Not only would Dillo Day be excellent exposure for the grossly under-promoted French electronic duo, but such a gig would be a great platform from which to kick off a surprise tour of North America. Daft Punk would most likely be the nighttime headliner, and, not to editorialize, but such a slot could prove problematic for the duo, as they would have to fill the very large shoes of last year’s nighttime headliner, Steve Aoki. Speaking of which…
Ever since Karl Marxxx released that little Communist Manifesto thing, capitalism has been searching for its answer. We’ve known that our cause was right and that our economic theory could totally beat Marxxx’s economic theory in a three out of five street brawl scenario; the proof is in this map of the world that does not feature the words “Soviet Union” anywhere on it.
DAT STACHE THO.
But we have struggled to articulate capitalism’s overriding ideology, and thus have failed to make a compelling case to impoverished parts of the world where residents see the ascent of China and feel drawn toward Marxxxism.
Then, Miley happened. Miley Cyrus, arguably America’s foremost mind on inexplicably being rich, has released her first foray into dubstep, and it is a glorious defense of American capitalism. It is, in short, The Capitalist Manifesto.
Officially the song is named “Decisions,” in a reference to the decision that must be made about whether to make penis with Joseph Schumpeter or Joseph Stalin’s mustache. As we all know, this is an important decision that every first grader must make.
The manifesto is technically produced by Israeli musician/DJ/thing/dubstepper Borgore and features Miley on “vocals.” Israel pretty much almost borders Austria, making this a clear allusion to Austrian economist Friedrich Hayek, who is largely considered the abusive stepfather of capitalist.
Now, at this point, those of you who listened to song (I FIGURED OUT HOW TO EMBED, I’M A SAVANT) will probably have noticed that cake is a prominent player in the song. If you chose to abstain from watching – after all, not listening to Miley is what my Health teacher meant when he said “abstinence is the only way to avoid STD’s” – just know that the line “bitches love cake” is featured prominently in The Manifesto. Released just months after Rihanna first popularized cake in her song “Birthday Cake,” it is apparent to anyone listening that Miley simply stole Rihanna’s idea and started selling it. If that’s not capitalism at its heart, then I’m not a savant.
This happens in the video. Deal with it.
However, the most capitalist aspect of this song is in the lyrics themselves. And while the song has only like four lines (of coke?!?!), they say all that needs to be said to defend capitalism: “I want it all, so I get it all/ I wanna eat the whole cake/I’ m not sharing, I’m not sharing/ You should have to learned how to bake.” In just 29 glorious words, Miley lays out capitalism at its core.
In capitalist societies, if you want it all, you can just take it all so long as you were born to a father who got rich singing about a biologically impossible “achey-breaky” coronary disease. If anyone questions this, blame them for their troubles. Tell them they are acting like “victims” looking for a handout, and say that they should have learned how to bake. And, if anyone even THINKS of discussing redistribution, simply yell “I’M NOT SHARING” until they die and go away.
In short, Miley lays out in one chorus what Mitt Romney just spent a billion dollars tryna hide. She succinctly and eloquently explains how American capitalism can be summarized by one simple phrase: “Bitches love cake.”
Evanston, you love us even less than our father who's still disappointed we never got accepted to Yale.
Well, we did it. We raised over $1.1 million at Dance Marathon this past weekend for a charity benefitting efforts against childhood cancer and for the Evanston Community Foundation. We reached our goal and lots of people have told us we did really well. So, the question now is: Are you proud of us, Evanston? Do you love us now?
Because that’s what this is really all about. We know we’ve disappointed you before. We get it. But we’re just trying our best. We just want you to love us. We just want you to be proud of us.
We got the message loud and clear last year. We disappointed you — once again — with all that blowjob hollering. We heard you. We stopped. But did that make you love us? No. You let us know we could still never measure up.
But we kept trying. You told us you didn’t like what we did on Monday nights, so we stood by as you took away our collective mental health break. Headed to the library instead. But did that make you love us? No, we still saw that look of bitter disappointment in your eyes every time we passed you. It’s like our eighth birthday party all over again. You know, the one where we sat by the cake all day waiting for you to get home so we could blow out the candles? The one where you didn’t get back till 11pm and told us to stop whining and that birthdays don’t mean anything? Of course you don’t remember. You never cared.
Well finally maybe we’ve done something that could make you proud. We raised over a million, Evanston! Again! And we’re giving some of it to you! Do you love us now? Will you tell us we make you proud now? When you meet up with Chicago and Lake Forest will you stop saying that you “don’t have a college?”
No? Ok. We shouldn’t have gotten our hopes up. You’re right, we’re worthless. We’ll never be half the community you are. We’ll just slink back to our dorms and probably cry. A lot. Again. Hey, anyone have any Skol?
Sherman Ave 
