If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.
Most Heinous Event of 2012
With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbingscandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.
For two years now to the day, Sherman Ave has been working tirelessly to bring you the very best in heinous. And we couldn’t have done it without you, our loyal, ethically comprised, alcoholic readers.
So it’s all over. Despite your healthy diet of Cheesie’s, alcohol, and more Cheesie’s, as well as your hobbies of binge-drinking, binge-regretting, and orgo all-nighters – it looks like your life is going to come to an early end. However, the end of the world doesn’t have to be all bad. Here are several ideas to help improve your final evening on Earth:
It’s a Wednesday night, you got a 31 on your midterm, and you just remembered that your landlord pays your water bill. Sounds like it’s time for a shower beer! If you haven’t been introduced to the joys of a cold beer in a hot, steamy shower yet, have no fear! I’ll walk you through it. But before you get all lathered up, there are three things you’ll need:
1. Beer. Although shot gunning a can of Busch Light may be a great way to impress the ladiez, it isn’t a shower beer. Try something that doesn’t taste like piss water.
2. A place to put your beer to keep it shampoo-free.
Holds your beer, so you don’t have to!
3. This playlist*
LMFAO – Sexy And I Know It
Who doesn’t feel sexy dripping wet and slightly buzzed? It’s time to DANCE!**
Adele – Someone Like You
Use any excuse to belt this song at the top of your lungs. Plus, the acoustics in the bathroom are pretty great
OutKast – Hey Ya
Throwbacks are 259% better while drunk. So are emotional rollercoasters brought on by listening to this immediately after Adele.
Taylor Swift – We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
Remember that emotional rollercoaster I was talking about?
Macklemore – Thrift Shop
So I’m a little obsessed with this song right now (who isn’t?) and it gives me an excuse to practice my sexy bass singing voice (I don’t care if biology says girls can’t sing that low, someday I will sing bass!)
Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA
No playlist is complete without a song about America. And this one is just so damn catchy…
Rose Royce – Car Wash
Car wash, face wash…same thing
Katy Perry – Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)
The perfect combination of funny and sexy: you can sing the words you know and dance to the ones you don’t.
Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe
Everyone else may be sick of this song, but I know all the words, and I love singing it in the shower. Pro tip: beer bottles make excellent microphones.
The Police – Roxanne
You know the game where half the room drinks every time they say “Roxanne” and the other half drinks whenever they say “put on the red light”? This is the same, except you are both teams. If you haven’t finished your beer yet (it’s OK if it’s your second…or fourth), bottoms up!
That’s it! Now go grab a PBR and some coconut body wash.
-Tabitha McHunter
*This is by no means a good combination of songs and should not be taken as such
**Sherman Ave is not responsible for any injuries incurred while dancing in the shower.
Before we begin, I should say that I have now seen The Dark Knight Rises (hereafter TDKR) in theater on three separate occasions. I feel that this qualifies me as an authority on the film in the same sense that stalking Carly Rae Jespen makes Sir Edward Twattingworth III an expert on the lyrics to “Call Me Maybe.” There, I referenced it, can I go on now?
I have seen too many reviews declaring TDKR to be an average, even “bad” movie not worthy of the previous two Batman films by director Christopher Nolan. Since Batman isn’t here to defend himself, I figure a self-confessed sex addict from Eastern Europe is as qualified as any to take up his mantle and cowl. To be blunt, Simon K, Sherman Ave’s esteemed correspondent, falls into the same trap as many other reviewers, declaring TDKR to be bombastic, unremarkable, and full of plot holes; in truth, those descriptors fit Simon’s review better than they do the film. No offense brah.
But first I must confess that I, too, found some major plot holes in TDKR. The following are a few I noticed:
Bane performs a non-inoculated blood transfusion while hanging upside down, at altitude, in a disintegrating plane. THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION CLEARLY WAS NOT CONSULTED. At least no animals were harmed, amirite? (Disappointingly, there were only 2 adorable German Shepard police dogs in the film. Thankfully, there were no horses. Fuck horses.)
No one except Joseph Gordon-Levitt deduces that Bruce Wayne is Batman. How many Gothamites can afford to throw thousand dollar Batarangs away like they’re pennies? Do you think, when the camera pans off screen, that Batman goes around picking up all his toys to reuse them? After all, Bruce IS broke as shit for the majority of this movie.
How did Commissioner Gordon know where to throw the flare to light up the lighter fluid Batsign? Would Batman have provided another flare to ‘Mishner if he had missed? Would he have just used his Go-Go-Gadget Bat Flamethrower? The world will never know.
These fatal plot flaws RUINED MY MOVIE-GOING EXPERIENCE, FOR REALZ AND FOR SERIAL. But really, plot holes do not a bad film make, Simon. I would rather have a plot-intensive film with some issues than a totally smooth but unremarkable story. Unless that unremarkable story is, like, starring Will Ferrell or something, because he totally carries that shit. Also, contrary to Simon’s claims, no new information was introduced by the ghost of Ra’s Al Ghul — I know this because I’ve checked, and rechecked, and then checked again because I saw this movie in theaters three times and shutup that’s why.
Since I’m already advocating for a defenseless, sexually frustrated (LOLunderstatement), obsessive-compulsive, polisophile (Greek for one who is erotically attracted to his city) playboy who refuses to kill people but hurts them so badly they wish they were dead, I figured I would address some other complaints out there. I’ve seen other critics ask how Batman could have escaped the prison and re-entered Gotham. I guess it’s a thing now to doubt billionaire ninjas with connections to the most powerful people and technologies the world has ever known. Same goes for dodging a nuclear explosion with 5 seconds to go. Totally not a plot-hole that actually makes you go “lolwutfucksaw?”
At the annual Gotham City Keg Race, circa 1967.
Back again, now, to Simon’s complaints, because I, too, like to keep my reviews spastic enough to justify a Ritalin prescription. What’s the confusion about Bruce Wayne boning Miranda Tate? As you said, THOSE EYES. Also, THAT ACCENT. Bruce finds out the love of his life was going to choose some asshole lawyer over THE GODDAMN BATMAN. Of course he’s going to go out and get some. That’s how self-destructive people recover from disappointment. The real surprise is that he didn’t immediately go for DAT BODY on Catwoman. Seriously, this is the chick from Princess Diaries?! I need to go rent Love and Other Drugs. And Princess Diaries 2, because how WILL she handle all that pressure? She’s just a normal girl in a princess world!!! But as turned on as I was by Catwoman’s awesome bodeh, I too was turned off by her stereotypical and lame quips. Batman and Bane both have their puns and one-liners, but something about Catwoman’s retorts seemed off.
I personally loved seeing Batman and Bane duke it out. Those were some intense body-shots they were throwing. And we got to see it! So many movies hide the action with shaky cameras and other visual obfuscation. Those are PUSSY movies. Batman is NOT a pussy. Except when he gets his VERTEBREH dislodged. Total pussy move.
Honestly Simon, it appears that most of your complaints boil down to “this is more of a superhero movie than I expected and AH HATE IT!” Between Catwoman’s quips, Bane wanting to slowly punish Gotham, and Batman needing to “find himself” and recover from an impossible injury and stop a nuclear bomb at the last second, this is definitely the most “superhero” Nolan-does-Batman film of the series. Does that make it bad? I certainly don’t think so. Does that mean it can’t hold a candle to its predecessors? Hardly.
During one of the most powerful moments in TDKR, Alfred says: “Maybe it’s time people stop trying to outsmart the truth and let it have its day.” Simon, my dear, the truth is this: you are not smarter than this movie, and it is not bad.
Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf and Evander Jones trade e-mails regarding celebrity, sport, and all things culture.
Evander Jones:
Dear Brother Jürgen,
Took him long enough.
What follows is a pitiful attempt to be either the Bill Simmons to your Malcolm Gladwell or the other way around. If need be, however, I am willing to settle as the Ke$ha to your Flo Rida. Either way I’ll probably come off as a DoucheMcMuffin, even if I edit our email exchanges to make us both look far more witty than our faithful Sherman Ave readers could ever imagine. A tricky task, mind you, as I just kind of assume that all of our readers are beautiful women between the ages of 18 and 27 who harbor a fond appreciation for unreleased Smiths B-sides, The West Wing, and Morty Schapiro to go with their rabid readership of Sherman Ave.
I don’t go out much. I spend most of my weekends in my room, listening to a mash-up of “Call Me Maybe,” “Someone Like You,” and Morty’s voice (never has masturbation had such an illustrious, confusing soundtrack). The world outside is a scary place, full of crime, danger, and Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, because I seldom venture into that terrifying, Romneyful world, I am always behind on trends – including the epidemic that is The Hunger Games. However, as a political science major, I need to seem like I know about everything all the time, and it is no different with The Hunger Games. I decided the best way to find out as much as I could about The Hunger Games while doing as little as possible (another trait I’ve picked up as a poli-sci major), was to look at the movie posters. Here’s what I learned about The Hunger Games from the official movie posters:
The world will be not only watching, but also paying $12 to see this depraved travesty
Birds Make People Thoughtful
I don’t know why there’s a giant bird on fire. I don’t know why everyone is staring at it. Despite this, I do know one thing: that bird is making everyone contemplative as all hell. Does that bird hold the secrets of the universe? Does it explain the future of our world? Does it explain why every song isn’t Call Me Maybe? I sure hope it does, because those people are probably wasting a lot of time staring at that thing and if it doesn’t tell them why Carly Rae Jepsen isn’t my wife (Carly….CALL ME MAYBE. OR DEFINITELY. NOW), they shouldn’t be staring at it so much. The Hunger Games Involve Public Sex Demonstrations
So this may be a little far-fetched, but I only had one thought when I saw the poster of the people staring at each other on the televisions: that blonde guy is gonna have so much sex with that girl. They’re gonna sex all over the place. Later though, I noticed that one of the posters said, “The World Will Be Watching.” This can only mean one thing: public sex demonstrations. They seem to be in the middle of an arena and there are televisions, so they probably have sex in the arena and everyone watches on the big screen. That’s what people do in big arenas with everyone watching, right? I haven’t done any research, so this may be an age-inappropriate idea, but if I’ve learned one thing at Northwestern, it’s that when two people meet in front of a large gathering in any venue, they’re going to have sex.
"I'm going to eat the thighs first!"
None of This Movie Involves Food
If these people are going to spend so much time having sex and being thoughtful, they’re clearly not going to be eating. Who wants to watch a bunch of fat people have public sex anyhow? But now I’m confused. Why is it called The Hunger Games if there is no food? Are they hungry for each other? Or worse, are they hungry for each other’s bodies? Oh god, that’s it isn’t it? They eat each other? They eat each other! What the fuck guys?! Why did you all go out and watch a movie where people have sex then engage in cannibalism? What is wrong with you people? This is why I never leave my room. I’m not going to go out into a world full of people that enjoy watching people engage in pure gluttony and hedonism. That’s it. This movie makes me sick.
This asshole bet on himself in the Hunger Games
The People Watching Bet on the Lustful Cannibals
This movie is just disgusting. I don’t make judgments about public sex demonstrations; in fact, sometimes they can be a crucial part of a young student’s learning experience. And combining the public sex with cannibalism is fairly inappropriate. But the people watching are betting on it? I mean, there can’t be any other reason why the odds should be in their favor. How the hell does this even happen?! Do they bet on who eats the others first? Maybe they bet on the sex positions they use. Why would they bet on the sex positions? I would always pick doggy style. I don’t think it would happen anymore than others, I just don’t know any other sex positions. God, what type of world bets on cannibals’ sex lives in their free time? This is what you people do when you’re not watching movies, isn’t it? You all bet on each other’s sex lives and lead lives of pure sin.
I’m going to try to hold back my disgust long enough to summarize this abomination of a creation. So basically, this is The Hunger Games: People have sex, and then those people eat other. The world watches all of the people in The Hunger Games do this, and some people bet on everything that happens. I think I’ve summed it up. Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe you all watched this. I’m done with everything forever.
I threw a wish in the well, Don’t ask me I’ll never tell: She opens the song by establishing that she has no control over the situation. The act of throwing a wish in a well is an act of desperation and one that betrays her inability to influence her position. Yet establishing that she’ll never tell what it was for gives her some degree of control, if only in her mind. I looked at you as it fell, And now you’re in my way: Carly Rae then turns the focus away from herself momentarily as she acknowledges that her wish-throwing was meant to have an impact on some unknown “you.” Saying that this person is in her way puts the onus on them to act and serves to deflect attention from her actions.
I trade my soul for a wish, Pennies and dimes for a kiss: For the first time, we get a glimpse into the romantic motivations for Carly Rae’s wish-throwing. She first admits she’d give up her soul for the wish she had thrown, yet quickly clarifies to say she’d pay some loose change to lock lips with “you.” Now it becomes clear that she is wishing for a kiss and that the wish was really more than the seemingly urbane act of tossing coins in a well to symbolize wishing. I wasn’t looking for this, But now you’re in my way: Once again, Carly Rae tries to make herself more of a bystander by saying she wasn’t looking for this and that this mystery person is once again in her way. This implies that the attraction is present but that she perhaps wants him gone as well. This line is crucial in understanding the complexity of the relationship.
Your stare was holding, Ripped jeans, Skin was showing, Hot night, Wind was blowing: We are finally given some clues about the environment in which this all takes place. She’s clearly outside on a warm, summer night. There is some minimal sexualization of the subject as she acknowledges his stare and that one of the two figures was showing their skin through ripped jeans. Where you think you’re going baby?: Here Carly Rae finally gets down to business. No longer is she alluding to vague wishes; instead, she effectively tells the subject not to go anywhere and clarifies that she views him romantically by calling him “baby.” This line is notable for the subtlety it employs to let the boy know that she is interested in him without directly saying anything so crude.
Hey I just met you, And this is crazy: Having already sexualized the situation, she takes it a step further by offering up a salacious line clearly intended to conjure images of a gas station bathroom hookup fueled by nothing more than reaching for the same Toblerone at the checkout counter. So crazy. But here’s my number, So call me maybe: Yet Jepsen brings the tension right back down by introducing the innocent element of a number swap. She also reveals her personal insecurities by including a “maybe” at the end to create an air of aloofness. She put herself in a vulnerable position by offering her number, and this theme of an insecure teenager will resonate throughout the song. It’s hard to look right at you baby: Does anyone have any idea what the fuck this is about? Other than getting the word “baby” in here to rhyme with “maybe?” But here’s my number, So call me maybe: By repeating this line in the chorus, Carly Rae makes it clear that it is up to him to call her if he has any interest in furthering their relationship. It’s as if she’s trying to pretend that despite everything she’s said, she doesn’t really care whether he calls or not.
Carly Rae, searching for a better word to rhyme with "baby"
Hey I just met you, And this is crazy, But here’s my number, So call me maybe: Catchy as shit, amirite?
And all the other boys, Try to chase me: Here Carly Rae just takes her insecurities to another level. She has clearly become nervous that maybe he won’t call her, so she tries to increase her worth in his eyes by informing him that many other boys consider her a prize. This is an attempt to make him jealous while reminding him that “maybe” he should call her. But here’s my number, So call me maybe: By immediately transitioning back to this line, she draws a contrast between the other boys and the object of her attention. Jepsen tells him that he has privileged status in her opinion and does not have to chase her. This is at once a desperate and bold move by Carly Rae that really puts her in a position of vulnerability if he maybe rejects her.
You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall: Jepsen finally acknowledges the subtlety she’s been hinting at from the beginning: that the boy in this story is in a position of power because she is clearly more interested in him than he is in her. She openly states that she fell for him immediately, but you can sense her pain and anguish in the fact that he waited to call her. You gave me nothing at all, But still you’re in my way: She now cleverly moves once again to blame him for her agony. Rather than saying that she got carried away, she accuses him of not giving her anything yet simultaneously acts as if he chose the situation by saying he was in her way. Suddenly she is transformed from the over-eager number-giver to an innocent girl who has been hindered and given nothing in return.
I beg and borrow and steal, At first sight and it’s real: The previous line makes much more sense when taken in the context of this startling admission of criminal guilt. Jepsen had to shift the blame to the man to justify her crazed stealing fetish. She also alludes to love (the “it” in this line) to try to rationalize her robberies in a two-pronged approach. I didn’t know I would feel it, But it’s in my way: Having shifted from blaming the boy to blaming love in the previous line, Carly Rae now continues blaming love by claiming that amorous passion is actually what’s in her way. She claims to be surprised by the whole encounter as well, as if to say that she in no way planned her actions.
Your stare was holding, Ripped jeans, Skin was showing, Hot night, Wind was blowing, Where you think you’re going baby?: Shit was getting real. About time to lighten the mood with a little repetish.
Hey I just met you, And this is crazy, But here’s my number, So call me maybe, It’s hard to look right at you baby, But here’s my number, So call me maybe: I literally cannot not dance to this shit.
Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad: This is either the most beautiful or most idiotic line of the song. Regardless, her point is clear: until she saw his hair blowin’ in the hot night wind, her life was incomplete. This successfully takes him from a mere object of lust to the love of her life to such a degree that any time spent without him was a time of despair. I missed you so bad, I missed you so so bad, Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad, And you should know that, I missed you so so bad bad bad bad….: She feels this way very much. And is apparently quite proud of herself for thinking of this.
It’s hard to look right at you baby, But here’s my number, So call me maybe: In case you missed it before.
Still hasn't fucking called.
Hey I just met you, And this is crazy, But here’s my number, So call me maybe, And all the other boys, Try to chase me, But here’s my number, So call me maybe: Jepsen reverts to her comfort zone by repeating the chorus again here, but it is notable that she chooses to emphasize in her final chorus that other boys continue to try and chase her. She seems still unsure that he will call her and is desperate to make herself seem as desirable as possible in the waning moments of the song.
Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad, I missed you so bad, I missed you so so bad, Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad, And you should know that: Jepsen is practically begging for the call at this point. She repeats incoherently her assertion that her life was nothing before she met this rando. She uses “so” multiple times to convey all her emotion. She even says he should know this, as if it is vital information to his pending decision about calling her. So call me maybe: After all that, Carly Rae just can’t help herself. One last time she tries to pretend this is all casual, that the encounter meant next to nothing to her. But we all know the truth. We know how much she missed him before he came into her life. He can’t just “maybe” call her; he must call her. They must become betrothed. They must have offspring. This is not a choice, it is a destiny. And it is glorious.
Sherman Ave 
Sherman Ave Turns 2!!!
25 JanHere’s to another year of not paying for copyrighted images!
Some of you may know us as the blog that got you prepared for college. Others may know us as the blog you accidentally stumbled across while looking for topless Jennifer Lawrence. But no matter what you’ve needed, from political commentary to Morty Schapiro singing Taylor Swift, we’ve been there for you.
For two years now to the day, Sherman Ave has been working tirelessly to bring you the very best in heinous. And we couldn’t have done it without you, our loyal, ethically comprised, alcoholic readers.
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