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Tag Archives: Call Me Maybe

2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

1 Jan

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

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Sherman Ave Turns 2!!!

25 Jan
Here's to another year of not paying for copyrighted images!

Here’s to another year of not paying for copyrighted images!

Some of you may know us as the blog that got you prepared for college. Others may know us as the blog you accidentally stumbled across while looking for topless Jennifer Lawrence. But no matter what you’ve needed, from political commentary to Morty Schapiro singing Taylor Swift, we’ve been there for you.

For two years now to the day, Sherman Ave has been working tirelessly to bring you the very best in heinous. And we couldn’t have done it without you, our loyal, ethically comprised, alcoholic readers.

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Yet Another Apocalypse 2KDuz Guide: What To Do with Your Last Day on Earth

20 Dec
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! YABOS!!!!

AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! YABOS!!!!

So it’s all over. Despite your healthy diet of Cheesie’s, alcohol, and more Cheesie’s, as well as your hobbies of binge-drinking, binge-regretting, and orgo all-nighters – it looks like your life is going to come to an early end. However, the end of the world doesn’t have to be all bad. Here are several ideas to help improve your final evening on Earth:

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The Perfect Shower Beer Playlist

9 Nov

It’s a Wednesday night, you got a 31 on your midterm, and you just remembered that your landlord pays your water bill. Sounds like it’s time for a shower beer! If you haven’t been introduced to the joys of a cold beer in a hot, steamy shower yet, have no fear! I’ll walk you through it. But before you get all lathered up, there are three things you’ll need:

1. Beer. Although shot gunning a can of Busch Light may be a great way to impress the ladiez, it isn’t a shower beer. Try something that doesn’t taste like piss water.

2. A place to put your beer to keep it shampoo-free.

Holds your beer, so you don’t have to!

3. This playlist*

LMFAO – Sexy And I Know It

Who doesn’t feel sexy dripping wet and slightly buzzed? It’s time to DANCE!**

Adele – Someone Like You

Use any excuse to belt this song at the top of your lungs. Plus, the acoustics in the bathroom are pretty great

OutKast – Hey Ya

Throwbacks are 259% better while drunk. So are emotional rollercoasters brought on by listening to this immediately after Adele.

Taylor Swift – We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Remember that emotional rollercoaster I was talking about?

Macklemore – Thrift Shop

So I’m a little obsessed with this song right now (who isn’t?) and it gives me an excuse to practice my sexy bass singing voice (I don’t care if biology says girls can’t sing that low, someday I will sing bass!)

Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA

No playlist is complete without a song about America. And this one is just so damn catchy…

Rose Royce – Car Wash

Car wash, face wash…same thing

Katy Perry – Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)

The perfect combination of funny and sexy: you can sing the words you know and dance to the ones you don’t.

Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe

Everyone else may be sick of this song, but I know all the words, and I love singing it in the shower. Pro tip: beer bottles make excellent microphones.

The Police – Roxanne

You know the game where half the room drinks every time they say “Roxanne” and the other half drinks whenever they say “put on the red light”? This is the same, except you are both teams. If you haven’t finished your beer yet (it’s OK if it’s your second…or fourth), bottoms up!

That’s it! Now go grab a PBR and some coconut body wash.

-Tabitha McHunter

*This is by no means a good combination of songs and should not be taken as such

**Sherman Ave is not responsible for any injuries incurred while dancing in the shower.

Counterpoint: The Dark Knight Rises Like the Erection I Got From Watching It — With Some Difficulties but Fairly Well Overall

4 Aug

A graphical representation of Simon and Leo.

Before we begin, I should say that I have now seen The Dark Knight Rises (hereafter TDKR) in theater on three separate occasions. I feel that this qualifies me as an authority on the film in the same sense that stalking Carly Rae Jespen makes Sir Edward Twattingworth III an expert on the lyrics to “Call Me Maybe.” There, I referenced it, can I go on now?

I have seen too many reviews declaring TDKR to be an average, even “bad” movie not worthy of the previous two Batman films by director Christopher Nolan. Since Batman isn’t here to defend himself, I figure a self-confessed sex addict from Eastern Europe is as qualified as any to take up his mantle and cowl. To be blunt, Simon K, Sherman Ave’s esteemed correspondent, falls into the same trap as many other reviewers, declaring TDKR to be bombastic, unremarkable, and full of plot holes; in truth, those descriptors fit Simon’s review better than they do the film. No offense brah.

But first I must confess that I, too, found some major plot holes in TDKR. The following are a few I noticed:

  • Bane performs a non-inoculated blood transfusion while hanging upside down, at altitude, in a disintegrating plane. THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION CLEARLY WAS NOT CONSULTED. At least no animals were harmed, amirite? (Disappointingly, there were only 2 adorable German Shepard police dogs in the film. Thankfully, there were no horses. Fuck horses.)
  • No one except Joseph Gordon-Levitt deduces that Bruce Wayne is Batman. How many Gothamites can afford to throw thousand dollar Batarangs away like they’re pennies? Do you think, when the camera pans off screen, that Batman goes around picking up all his toys to reuse them? After all, Bruce IS broke as shit for the majority of this movie.
  • How did Commissioner Gordon know where to throw the flare to light up the lighter fluid Batsign? Would Batman have provided another flare to ‘Mishner if he had missed? Would he have just used his Go-Go-Gadget Bat Flamethrower? The world will never know.

These fatal plot flaws RUINED MY MOVIE-GOING EXPERIENCE, FOR REALZ AND FOR SERIAL. But really, plot holes do not a bad film make, Simon. I would rather have a plot-intensive film with some issues than a totally smooth but unremarkable story. Unless that unremarkable story is, like, starring Will Ferrell or something, because he totally carries that shit. Also, contrary to Simon’s claims, no new information was introduced by the ghost of Ra’s Al Ghul — I know this because I’ve checked, and rechecked, and then checked again because I saw this movie in theaters three times and shutup that’s why.

Since I’m already advocating for a defenseless, sexually frustrated (LOLunderstatement), obsessive-compulsive, polisophile (Greek for one who is erotically attracted to his city) playboy who refuses to kill people but hurts them so badly they wish they were dead, I figured I would address some other complaints out there. I’ve seen other critics ask how Batman could have escaped the prison and re-entered Gotham. I guess it’s a thing now to doubt billionaire ninjas with connections to the most powerful people and technologies the world has ever known. Same goes for dodging a nuclear explosion with 5 seconds to go. Totally not a plot-hole that actually makes you go “lolwutfucksaw?”

At the annual Gotham City Keg Race, circa 1967.

Back again, now, to Simon’s complaints, because I, too, like to keep my reviews spastic enough to justify a Ritalin prescription. What’s the confusion about Bruce Wayne boning Miranda Tate? As you said, THOSE EYES. Also, THAT ACCENT. Bruce finds out the love of his life was going to choose some asshole lawyer over THE GODDAMN BATMAN. Of course he’s going to go out and get some. That’s how self-destructive people recover from disappointment. The real surprise is that he didn’t immediately go for DAT BODY on Catwoman. Seriously, this is the chick from Princess Diaries?! I need to go rent Love and Other Drugs. And Princess Diaries 2, because how WILL she handle all that pressure? She’s just a normal girl in a princess world!!! But as turned on as I was by Catwoman’s awesome bodeh, I too was turned off by her stereotypical and lame quips. Batman and Bane both have their puns and one-liners, but something about Catwoman’s retorts seemed off.

I personally loved seeing Batman and Bane duke it out. Those were some intense body-shots they were throwing. And we got to see it! So many movies hide the action with shaky cameras and other visual obfuscation. Those are PUSSY movies. Batman is NOT a pussy. Except when he gets his VERTEBREH dislodged. Total pussy move.

Honestly Simon, it appears that most of your complaints boil down to “this is more of a superhero movie than I expected and AH HATE IT!” Between Catwoman’s quips, Bane wanting to slowly punish Gotham, and Batman needing to “find himself” and recover from an impossible injury and stop a nuclear bomb at the last second, this is definitely the most “superhero” Nolan-does-Batman film of the series. Does that make it bad? I certainly don’t think so. Does that mean it can’t hold a candle to its predecessors? Hardly.

During one of the most powerful moments in TDKR, Alfred says: “Maybe it’s time people stop trying to outsmart the truth and let it have its day.” Simon, my dear, the truth is this: you are not smarter than this movie, and it is not bad.

Also, fuck Robin.

Furor Scribendi: Zombies, Canadians, Rihanna, and Chet Haze (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Pretend to be Malcolm Gladwell)

7 Jul

Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf and Evander Jones trade e-mails regarding celebrity, sport, and all things culture.

Evander Jones:
Dear Brother Jürgen,

Took him long enough.

What follows is a pitiful attempt to be either the Bill Simmons to your Malcolm Gladwell or the other way around. If need be, however, I am willing to settle as the Ke$ha to your Flo Rida. Either way I’ll probably come off as a DoucheMcMuffin, even if I edit our email exchanges to make us both look far more witty than our faithful Sherman Ave readers could ever imagine. A tricky task, mind you, as I just kind of assume that all of our readers are beautiful women between the ages of 18 and 27 who harbor a fond appreciation for unreleased Smiths B-sides, The West Wing, and Morty Schapiro to go with their rabid readership of Sherman Ave.

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An Analysis of Hunger Games Based Entirely On The Movie Poster

27 Mar

I don’t go out much. I spend most of my weekends in my room, listening to a mash-up of “Call Me Maybe,” “Someone Like You,” and Morty’s voice (never has masturbation had such an illustrious, confusing soundtrack). The world outside is a scary place, full of crime, danger, and Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, because I seldom venture into that terrifying, Romneyful world, I am always behind on trends – including the epidemic that is The Hunger Games. However, as a political science major, I need to seem like I know about everything all the time, and it is no different with The Hunger Games. I decided the best way to find out as much as I could about The Hunger Games while doing as little as possible (another trait I’ve picked up as a poli-sci major), was to look at the movie posters. Here’s what I learned about The Hunger Games from the official movie posters:

The world will be not only watching, but also paying $12 to see this depraved travesty

Birds Make People Thoughtful
I don’t know why there’s a giant bird on fire. I don’t know why everyone is staring at it. Despite this, I do know one thing: that bird is making everyone contemplative as all hell. Does that bird hold the secrets of the universe? Does it explain the future of our world? Does it explain why every song isn’t Call Me Maybe? I sure hope it does, because those people are probably wasting a lot of time staring at that thing and if it doesn’t tell them why Carly Rae Jepsen isn’t my wife (Carly….CALL ME MAYBE. OR DEFINITELY. NOW), they shouldn’t be staring at it so much.
The Hunger Games Involve Public Sex Demonstrations
So this may be a little far-fetched, but I only had one thought when I saw the poster of the people staring at each other on the televisions: that blonde guy is gonna have so much sex with that girl. They’re gonna sex all over the place. Later though, I noticed that one of the posters said, “The World Will Be Watching.” This can only mean one thing: public sex demonstrations. They seem to be in the middle of an arena and there are televisions, so they probably have sex in the arena and everyone watches on the big screen. That’s what people do in big arenas with everyone watching, right? I haven’t done any research, so this may be an age-inappropriate idea, but if I’ve learned one thing at Northwestern, it’s that when two people meet in front of a large gathering in any venue, they’re going to have sex.

"I'm going to eat the thighs first!"

None of This Movie Involves Food
If these people are going to spend so much time having sex and being thoughtful, they’re clearly not going to be eating. Who wants to watch a bunch of fat people have public sex anyhow? But now I’m confused. Why is it called The Hunger Games if there is no food? Are they hungry for each other? Or worse, are they hungry for each other’s bodies? Oh god, that’s it isn’t it? They eat each other? They eat each other! What the fuck guys?! Why did you all go out and watch a movie where people have sex then engage in cannibalism? What is wrong with you people? This is why I never leave my room. I’m not going to go out into a world full of people that enjoy watching people engage in pure gluttony and hedonism. That’s it. This movie makes me sick.

This asshole bet on himself in the Hunger Games

The People Watching Bet on the Lustful Cannibals
This movie is just disgusting. I don’t make judgments about public sex demonstrations; in fact, sometimes they can be a crucial part of a young student’s learning experience. And combining the public sex with cannibalism is fairly inappropriate. But the people watching are betting on it? I mean, there can’t be any other reason why the odds should be in their favor. How the hell does this even happen?! Do they bet on who eats the others first? Maybe they bet on the sex positions they use. Why would they bet on the sex positions? I would always pick doggy style. I don’t think it would happen anymore than others, I just don’t know any other sex positions. God, what type of world bets on cannibals’ sex lives in their free time? This is what you people do when you’re not watching movies, isn’t it? You all bet on each other’s sex lives and lead lives of pure sin.

I’m going to try to hold back my disgust long enough to summarize this abomination of a creation. So basically, this is The Hunger Games: People have sex, and then those people eat other. The world watches all of the people in The Hunger Games do this, and some people bet on everything that happens. I think I’ve summed it up. Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe you all watched this. I’m done with everything forever.