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Tag Archives: capital

Congress Harder on IDs After Shutdown Scare

17 Oct

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.

In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.

“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”

The new ID policy is so strict that even Continue reading

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A Comprehensive Guide to Mitt Romney

4 Nov

Fearlessly saying whatever it takes to be President of these United States of America since ’07.

Every 7 minutes I get a notification from my CNN app. “A recent CNN poll has Romney leading in Florida with 50%, Obama 49%.” “According to a recent poll, Obama is ahead in Ohio with 51%, Romney close behind with 48%.”  Obama is leading in Florida. Romney is leading in Ohio. Obama in Iowa. Romney in Wisconsin. Obama in Ohio. Romney in New Hampshire. Obama in Wisconsin. Romney in Florida.

If one thing is clear about the atrocious excuse for democracy that is this presidential election, it’s that the race is tighter than Paul Ryan’s pecs. Because it’s entirely possible that Barack-star won’t get reelected, it’s time we familiarize ourselves with the alternative. This guide contains all the information that you could ever need to know about the Republican candidate.

Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?

Full Name: Willard Mittingtons Romney III

Childhood nickname: Mittens the Kitten

How he got his childhood nickname: He fucking built it

Childhood hobbies: Lincoln Logs, Etch-a-Sketch

Early education: Cranbrook High School (other notable alumni include the guy who B-Rabbit rap battles at the end of 8 Mile).

College: Stanford for a hot second, then transferred to Brigham Young University (a transfer that would’ve made a lot more sense the other way around, but whatevs).

Vietnam War: He went on a mission trip to France instead.

Early career: Made the moniez at Bain Capital.

Salt Lake City Olympics: He built that shit.

Family: Beautiful wife Ann, 5 strapping boys named Tagg, Tucker, Joseph, Capital, and Small Business*

Position on abortion: He’s pro-choice, except he’s a pro-life pro-choice. He’s pro-life except for cases of rape and incest, except for the cases of rape and incest for which he does not make exceptions.

Gay marriage: NONONO. NO. Sanctity of marriage. Traditional American values. Importance of the family. Other things that Republicans say.

Foreign Policy: Unilateral approach. Also, London sucks. Romneylympics were like sooooo much better.

Economics: Success, individual initiative, business=good. Dependency, government programming, the 47%=bad. Taxes bad. Romney no likey.

Healthcare: Supports universal healthcare. In favor of a mandate that orders all citizens to have health insurance. That being said, he is against the tyrannical, socialist, and unconstitutional piece of dogshit  that is Obamacare.

ROMNEY/RYAN 2k12 NO REGRETZ

*Small Business later added a footnote to the end of his name, so he became Small Business[1]


[1] No this is not a reference to my genitalia

Point/Counterpoint: The Base System

25 Jan

Also like in baseball, there's usually a pitcher and a catcher.

There’s a question we all ask our single friends regularly, usually when they show up looking unkempt, worried, and possibly pregnant.

“How far did you get with them?”

This is a question that SEEMS like it would have simple answers. “I let him touch my vagina.” “I touched her vagina,” “We started to get naked but I ejaculated prematurely,” these are all reasonable responses. But, for whatever reasons, (mostly embarrassment) people never give these answers. Instead they rely on euphemisms, the most popular of which is “The Base System.”

Which would be fine, that’s cool guys, its totally fair to equate sex to baseball – they’re both exhausting team-sports that are hard to watch for more than ten minutes – and, just like baseball, I don’t really understand the rules. But if we’re going to use a base system, we need to have one common definition for all the bases. And right now, that consensus does not exist. Is first base kissing? Does tongue have to be involved? Where does tactile vaginal contact fall? Boobs? What about BOOBS?! WHO’S GOING TO TALK ABOUT BOOBS?!

Don’t worry, we will. And at great length.

Anyway, here are the two different ways you can interpret the base system. Which one is right? Sound off in the poll below.

FIRST BASE

Sometimes you can just guess...

Point, by Sad Bones Malone
First base inhabits this weird realm of ambiguity. Everyone understands that kissing is involved in some capacity, but this begs the question: “how much kissing?” We both agree that a peck does not constitute first base, but I feel that to actually get to first base, you have to be “making out.” There is an underlying expectation that there’s a little bit of hands, and a little bit more action than a single kiss. It should be a semi-extended duration that might involve a little bit of exploration. First base contains a whole host of operations — hickeys, ear-play, fondling — these are all entry actions to the sexual experience. And since first base is the entry way to the other bases, all these activities are constituted within first base.

Counterpoint, by Manua Hiki-Hiki
You have to be kidding me!? I mean, you have to do a little exploring in the land of the mouth to be considered “at first base,” but first base does not mean you have to be searching for the hidden realm of the esophagus. First base is an important step, but IT’S JUST THE FIRST FUCKING BASE!!! Using your definition as first base is like saying you don’t know anything about geography until you know the capital of Zimbabwe (you should really look into learning that though, as Harare is bomb as Hell). Next thing you’re going to tell me is that I have to be inside a girl’s pants to be at second base. Like, really? Really?!?

SECOND BASE

Although he's usually hopelessly out of breath by the time he rounds third.

Point, by Manua Hiki-Hiki
Actually, let me just preempt what I expect will be your naively asinine answer: There’s no way being inside a girl’s pants qualifies as second base. I have far too much reverence for the vagina to place it at such an easily accessible base. If a 500-pound bear-creature named Prince Fielder can make it to second-base in a game of baseball, then searching the mystical vagina cannot be second-base – because second base is PRETTY FUCKING EASY to get to. Want to know what’s not easy to get to? The Vagina. Therefore, those two things cannot be equivalent — it’s math. We all know the real second base: Boobtown. Boobtown is a very important step and deserves its own base. You cannot neglect boobs. Boobs are awesome. Getting to touch a girl’s boobs is like riding a bike for the first time: both are important landmarks in your life, both cause a big sense of accomplishment… and I ejaculated after both. All excitement issues aside, boobs are very important in the grand scheme of the “game of love” and deserve their own base.

Counterpoint, by Bad Bones Malone
Listen guys, I don’t want you to think I’m coming from the wrong place. I love boobs, and I have the upmost respect for boobs — in fact, some of my best friends are boobs. But if we only have three bases to work with, boobs aren’t deserving of their own landmark.

She just has... so much... you know... CHARACTER!!!

Because, as much as I like boobs, they aren’t even close to being equal the vagina. When a guy gets drunk and gets a little boob-gropey it’s “a little creepy,” when a man decides to go straight for vaginas it’s “a little bit of a felony.” Those lines are drawn for a reason, the vagina is simply far, far more important than boobs.

The fact that boobs don’t get their own base also has to do with the function of the base-system — it’s shorthand that can be used to denote romantic progress. And, while I’m sure it was nice, I don’t really care if you touched a girls boobs. We aren’t in junior high anymore. Boobs get touched all the time — and if you’re making out with a girl it’s not an unreasonable jump to assume you might have felt her up. If you’re using the proper definition of first base — my version — then you’ve already covered fondling anyway. Congratulations.

The first time you touch a girl’s vagina is important — it’s the first time you have a chance to let her fake an orgasm (laaaaadies), which as far as I’m concerned is the EXPRESS PURPOSE OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY.

So if you’re going to chart the progression of sexual activity, then you better fucking have a stop reserved for the first time you take an action that actually ends where you’re trying to go.

THIRD BASE
Consensus: I think we can all agree here: Once the trouser dragon has entered the salivary sea, you’re at third base.

HOME
Consensus: If you’ve solved the coital conundrum, you’re home.

The proposed base systems have been researched by many a student at Harvard, Princeton, and other places where these things never occur… and that is why we need your help. Vote in the poll below and help solve history’s second most important Trojan War (ahhh, get it? Trojan. Like the condom. SEX).

Sad Bones Malone and Manua Hiki-Hiki

5 Special Editions of Monopoly That Would Never Sell

7 Jan

                                                                 

Crusades! Advance to the nearest Islam-owned property and claim it as your own.

Monopoly: World Religions Edition

Since almost all pieces end up in Jerusalem anyway, the game should work, right?  Wrong.  The first problem with the game is that the Holy Land doesn’t actually have as much real estate as Atlantic City, the basis for the original version of Monopoly.  There’s West Bank, Golan Heights, Gaza Strip…yeah, I think that’s about it.  So the game inevitably results in all the players fighting over a few small chunks of land.  Also, Hasbro showed an astounding lack of foresight by including a small sculpture of Mohammed as a game piece.  But the ultimate downfall of the game is its sheer offensive nature.  There are too many moments in this game that cause inter-player strife.  For example, that awkward moment when the Atheist player buys Mecca…

Anthony Weiner's iPhone - another game piece

Monopoly:  Scandalous! Edition

In this version of the game, players have the opportunity to relive some famous scandals in recent history while simultaneously trying to accumulate enough capital to put Watergate Hotel on a monopoly.  Game pieces include a Silvio Berlusconi, a Minneapolis airport stall, and a hauntingly detailed sculpture of Bill Clinton’s genitalia.  The first Hasbro board game to be rated NC-17, this game somehow fails to appeal to the typical board game demographic – Mormons.  Even with the second edition of the game, which makes a direct appeal to Mormons by adding Newt Gingrich’s numerous divorces to the list of scandals referenced in the game, there still is little to no market for it.  However, rumor has it that a new, more topically relevant version of the game is set for release this spring, focusing exclusively on scandals relating to 2012 Republican presidential candidates.

They replaced Marvin Gardens with THIS?!

Monopoly:  Classic Literature Edition

On paper, the idea here isn’t half bad.  The game could provide younger players with a basic understanding of classic literature while providing older players with an engaging form of mental stimulation.  Each monopoly consists of two or three books by one author, and their respective values correlate to how highly esteemed the author is (ex: Novels by Kate Chopin would replace Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues).  Regrettably, the designer of the game had a pretty skewed perception of “classic literature.”  Instead of featuring authors like Leo Tolstoy and Ernest Hemingway, the game features authors like Chelsea Handler and Dan Brown.  Furthermore, the 4 railroads are replaced by the 4 installments of the “Twilight” series.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, just wait till you find out that “Park Place” was replaced by “Tuesdays with Morrie.”

PLEASE GOD GIVE ME DOUBLES.

Monopoly:  The Deep South Edition

 The game pieces included in this version of monopoly are quite controversial; among them are Colonel Sanders, Dale Earnhardt Sr., George Wallace, and Nathan Bedford Forrest.  As an effort to slightly veil their excessive racism, they included Martin Luther King Jr. as another game piece, but this sentiment was made obsolete by the rule forcing the MLK piece to serve the jail sentences of the other players.  The game does have its merits, though – if a player can get a series of Motel 8s on the most expensive monopoly (comprised of Baptist Avenue and Krispy Kreme Boulevard), they could potentially make enough money to bribe Cam Newton into their football program.  Yet, the most distinguishing aspect of the game is probably the game-changing nature of the “Chance” cards – nothing can bring down your luck like drawing “BP Spill.  Move back 4 spaces” or “Realize the Civil War did actually end.  Start over.”

Monopoly: A Cultural Revolution!

Maonopoly:  Chinese Edition

It may come as a surprise to find out that, without the basic principles of capitalism, monopoly is not a very enjoyable game.  I can only imagine the frustration one might feel upon landing on Vermont Avenue – or whatever the fuck they call streets in China – and discovering that, along with every other property on the game, it is owned by the government.  Instead of “Community Chest” and “Chance,” players draw cards like “Community Chest” and “Community Chance,” possibly commanding them to take a Great Leap Forward to spaces like “Community Electric Company” or “Community Go.”  Additionally, several other spaces are renamed; for example, “Short Line” is replaced by “Tall-Because-Of-Leg-Extensions Line.”  Beware, though – just because there’s free parking on Tiananmen Square doesn’t necessarily mean the pieces will stop moving.