May the curve be ever in your favor
Finals are communist. Let me say that again. Communist. If there were any justice in this world, finals would be relegated to a life of shame and degradation in a cross between Guantanamo and that one nightmare I had where beetles developed opposable thumbs and managed to invent garbage-based weaponry. Also, I think Ron Paul was there for some reason.
But I digress. Why are finals communist you ask, ignorant bourgeois fool that you are? Let’s break it down.
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Ever since Karl Marxxx released that little Communist Manifesto thing, capitalism has been searching for its answer. We’ve known that our cause was right and that our economic theory could totally beat Marxxx’s economic theory in a three out of five street brawl scenario; the proof is in this map of the world that does not feature the words “Soviet Union” anywhere on it.
DAT STACHE THO.
But we have struggled to articulate capitalism’s overriding ideology, and thus have failed to make a compelling case to impoverished parts of the world where residents see the ascent of China and feel drawn toward Marxxxism.
Then, Miley happened. Miley Cyrus, arguably America’s foremost mind on inexplicably being rich, has released her first foray into dubstep, and it is a glorious defense of American capitalism. It is, in short, The Capitalist Manifesto.
Officially the song is named “Decisions,” in a reference to the decision that must be made about whether to make penis with Joseph Schumpeter or Joseph Stalin’s mustache. As we all know, this is an important decision that every first grader must make.
The manifesto is technically produced by Israeli musician/DJ/thing/dubstepper Borgore and features Miley on “vocals.” Israel pretty much almost borders Austria, making this a clear allusion to Austrian economist Friedrich Hayek, who is largely considered the abusive stepfather of capitalist.
Now, at this point, those of you who listened to song (I FIGURED OUT HOW TO EMBED, I’M A SAVANT) will probably have noticed that cake is a prominent player in the song. If you chose to abstain from watching – after all, not listening to Miley is what my Health teacher meant when he said “abstinence is the only way to avoid STD’s” – just know that the line “bitches love cake” is featured prominently in The Manifesto. Released just months after Rihanna first popularized cake in her song “Birthday Cake,” it is apparent to anyone listening that Miley simply stole Rihanna’s idea and started selling it. If that’s not capitalism at its heart, then I’m not a savant.
This happens in the video. Deal with it.
However, the most capitalist aspect of this song is in the lyrics themselves. And while the song has only like four lines (of coke?!?!), they say all that needs to be said to defend capitalism: “I want it all, so I get it all/ I wanna eat the whole cake/I’ m not sharing, I’m not sharing/ You should have to learned how to bake.” In just 29 glorious words, Miley lays out capitalism at its core.
In capitalist societies, if you want it all, you can just take it all so long as you were born to a father who got rich singing about a biologically impossible “achey-breaky” coronary disease. If anyone questions this, blame them for their troubles. Tell them they are acting like “victims” looking for a handout, and say that they should have learned how to bake. And, if anyone even THINKS of discussing redistribution, simply yell “I’M NOT SHARING” until they die and go away.
In short, Miley lays out in one chorus what Mitt Romney just spent a billion dollars tryna hide. She succinctly and eloquently explains how American capitalism can be summarized by one simple phrase: “Bitches love cake.”
Well played, Miley. Well played.
Could it be…!?
Has Northwestern’s premier political/historical/alcoholic-humor blog finally started up a capitalistic endeavor designed to raise enough money to pay off their gambling IOU’s from last year’s Northwestern-University of Chicago Women’s Ice Hockey match by selling you shit with their name emblazoned across it!?
That’s RIGHT!
Sherman Ave has got a great new Swag Shoppe just for you heinous kids running amok in downtown Evanston. Protest authority, sexual mores, your shitty TA, Illinois drinking laws, and more with our brand new merchandise line!
With an ever increasing range of products, there’s sure to be something to please you!
From shirts to sweatpants, we’ll try to cover up as much of your body as possible. Want bootylicious lingerie? We’ve got it. Want to proudly display your affection for Morty or underage drinking at the Keg? We’ve got just the shirts for you.
We even have a bandanna to gag you with if you open your mouth!
Too far? Well, we guess that’s just #HEINOUS.
Check out the new Sherman Ave Swag Shoppe HERE!!!
Crusades! Advance to the nearest Islam-owned property and claim it as your own.
Monopoly: World Religions Edition
Since almost all pieces end up in Jerusalem anyway, the game should work, right? Wrong. The first problem with the game is that the Holy Land doesn’t actually have as much real estate as Atlantic City, the basis for the original version of Monopoly. There’s West Bank, Golan Heights, Gaza Strip…yeah, I think that’s about it. So the game inevitably results in all the players fighting over a few small chunks of land. Also, Hasbro showed an astounding lack of foresight by including a small sculpture of Mohammed as a game piece. But the ultimate downfall of the game is its sheer offensive nature. There are too many moments in this game that cause inter-player strife. For example, that awkward moment when the Atheist player buys Mecca…
Anthony Weiner's iPhone - another game piece
Monopoly: Scandalous! Edition
In this version of the game, players have the opportunity to relive some famous scandals in recent history while simultaneously trying to accumulate enough capital to put Watergate Hotel on a monopoly. Game pieces include a Silvio Berlusconi, a Minneapolis airport stall, and a hauntingly detailed sculpture of Bill Clinton’s genitalia. The first Hasbro board game to be rated NC-17, this game somehow fails to appeal to the typical board game demographic – Mormons. Even with the second edition of the game, which makes a direct appeal to Mormons by adding Newt Gingrich’s numerous divorces to the list of scandals referenced in the game, there still is little to no market for it. However, rumor has it that a new, more topically relevant version of the game is set for release this spring, focusing exclusively on scandals relating to 2012 Republican presidential candidates.
They replaced Marvin Gardens with THIS?!
Monopoly: Classic Literature Edition
On paper, the idea here isn’t half bad. The game could provide younger players with a basic understanding of classic literature while providing older players with an engaging form of mental stimulation. Each monopoly consists of two or three books by one author, and their respective values correlate to how highly esteemed the author is (ex: Novels by Kate Chopin would replace Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues). Regrettably, the designer of the game had a pretty skewed perception of “classic literature.” Instead of featuring authors like Leo Tolstoy and Ernest Hemingway, the game features authors like Chelsea Handler and Dan Brown. Furthermore, the 4 railroads are replaced by the 4 installments of the “Twilight” series. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, just wait till you find out that “Park Place” was replaced by “Tuesdays with Morrie.”
PLEASE GOD GIVE ME DOUBLES.
Monopoly: The Deep South Edition
The game pieces included in this version of monopoly are quite controversial; among them are Colonel Sanders, Dale Earnhardt Sr., George Wallace, and Nathan Bedford Forrest. As an effort to slightly veil their excessive racism, they included Martin Luther King Jr. as another game piece, but this sentiment was made obsolete by the rule forcing the MLK piece to serve the jail sentences of the other players. The game does have its merits, though – if a player can get a series of Motel 8s on the most expensive monopoly (comprised of Baptist Avenue and Krispy Kreme Boulevard), they could potentially make enough money to bribe Cam Newton into their football program. Yet, the most distinguishing aspect of the game is probably the game-changing nature of the “Chance” cards – nothing can bring down your luck like drawing “BP Spill. Move back 4 spaces” or “Realize the Civil War did actually end. Start over.”
Monopoly: A Cultural Revolution!
Maonopoly: Chinese Edition
It may come as a surprise to find out that, without the basic principles of capitalism, monopoly is not a very enjoyable game. I can only imagine the frustration one might feel upon landing on Vermont Avenue – or whatever the fuck they call streets in China – and discovering that, along with every other property on the game, it is owned by the government. Instead of “Community Chest” and “Chance,” players draw cards like “Community Chest” and “Community Chance,” possibly commanding them to take a Great Leap Forward to spaces like “Community Electric Company” or “Community Go.” Additionally, several other spaces are renamed; for example, “Short Line” is replaced by “Tall-Because-Of-Leg-Extensions Line.” Beware, though – just because there’s free parking on Tiananmen Square doesn’t necessarily mean the pieces will stop moving.
Sherman Ave 
