Other Great Stripping Games Invented by British Royalty

What happens in Vegas shames your family name worldwide

Respectable news sources and TMZ were spinning today as pictures surfaced of Prince Harry, third heir to the throne of England and pompous ass-clown, playing “strip billiards” with a bunch of naked girls in Las Vegas.  While the world attempts to recover from the most aggressive display of royal ginger nakedness since Queen Elizabeth I celebrated her victory over the Spanish Armada in 1588, we’d like to take a look back at history and reflect on some of the best stripping games created in the British royal line.

Strip Marriage (invented by Henry VIII)

King Henry VIII’s affinity for whipping it out was so intense that even Showtime’s “The Tudors” doesn’t have the stomach to accurately portray it.  When he was wed to Catherine of Aragon in 1503, he was wearing nothing but a doublet and a codpiece!  However, it wasn’t until his marriage to Jane Seymour in 1536 that he decided to strip during the marriage ceremony itself, and by the time he married Catherine Parr in 1543, he wore four tunics to the wedding so he’d have four tunics to suggestively rip from his corpulent body.

Richard I, shortly after administering a high-velocity cockslap to Saladin.

Strip Crusades (invented by Richard I)

Richard the Lion-Heart (who, as few people know, was also referred to as Richard the Rhinoceros-Shaft) was remembered for his valiant fighting in the Third Crusade.  However, there is an explicably forgotten aspect of his glorious gallivanting – his tendency to charge into battle while ripping off his clothing and armor.  In fact, some historians postulate that the scarring image of Richard’s flopping dong on horseback is largely responsible for the conservative nature of modern-day Islamic garb.

Strip Taxation (invented by George III)

Many look back on America’s independence as an event catalyzed largely by King George III’s merciless tax policies toward the American colonies.  While there is considerable truth to that statement, history seems to have forgotten another central cause: the colonists’ absolute disgust with George’s genitalia.  In 1768, the king commissioned his favorite artist to paint 1,500 portraits of his wrinkly British scrotum and have one placed in the city hall of every American colonial town.  This greatly displeased the colonists, leading them to revolt against the British under the memorable slogan, “No taxation without taking down the dick pics.”

A rare picture of King George VI, showing him fully clothed and not inappropriately touching himself

Strip Stuttering (invented by George VI)

King George VI, made famous recently in the Oscar-winning movie The King’s Speech, is remembered as being the only king with a serious speech impediment – at least since the reign of King Thtephen in the 12^th century.  What Director Tom Hooper omitted, however, was King George’s tendency to rip off his pants and wave his dick around any time he became frustrated with his speech impediment.  As legend has it, he became especially fond of this tactic during World War II, reportedly making a point of cupping his nuts every time he mentioned the word’s “Hitler,” “Nazis,” or “victory.”

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The 5 Historical Figures You’d Most Like To See at a Frat Party

Hey babe, you can't spell "annulment" without a "u" and a "me"

5. Catherine of Aragon
First of all, let’s be real: This crazy bitch could get into any frat party she wanted. The last time she was rejected by a man, that man was excommunicated by the Catholic Church. No doorman would want to turn her away (unless, of course, she was trying to get into AEPi). Once at the party, there’s no telling what kind of shit this Iberian bombshell would do. It’s safe to assume she’d still be looking for a rebound after her messy split from King Henry VIII, and considering that he was a fat sack of shit, she would probably have pretty low standards. Sex-deprived Northwestern students would be falling all over each other for the chance to hook up with this royal slampiece.

4. Gustavus Adolphus
At the ripe age of 17, most of us were engaged in very mundane activities – applying to colleges, trying to power through senior year, dedicating 5-8 hours a day to Sporcle, etc. Gustavus Adolphus? At age 17, he was the commander of the largest army in recorded history up to that point. Setting aside the all-consuming fear I have of this Swede, he would be an excellent addition to any party environment. Between in-depth explanations of battlefield tactics and incredible first-person military accounts, he would presumably inflict fatal wounds upon at least 15 obnoxious douchebags and impregnate at least 35 Thetas.

McClellan could mix pretentious douchiness with an inability to follow through like some of the best gentlemen PIKE has ever produced

3. General George B. McClellan
Okay, we all know the guy was a total bitch. However, a high level of bitchery does not prevent a high level of frattery. In fact, it probably encourages it. Therefore, while General McClellan may have been largely responsible for thousands of Union casualties at the Battle of Antietam due to his ill-advised decision not to deploy the entire army, there is little doubt that the man known far and wide as the most popular Union general would be able to throw down like my redneck relatives at a Hank Williams Jr. concert. Additionally, McClellan’s post-war career in New Jersey politics was certainly the foundation for the collective heinousness of the Jersey Shore cast.

2. Bill Clinton
I have yet to meet someone from Arkansas who couldn’t hold their liquor, and if there happens to be an Arkansan who can’t, it sure as hell isn’t William Jefferson Clinton. To begin with, it’s universally understood that the length of one’s middle name is directly correlated with his or her greatness. Think about it – there are Ross Benjaminfranklingeorgewashington Packinghams, and there are James Earl Carters. Furthermore, almost everyone likes Bill Clinton. And for the few that don’t, they wouldn’t have to deal with him long before he mysteriously disappears with an overly-intoxicated freshman girl.

Good thing the theme party tonight is "Tsars in Bars"

1. Peter the Great
We must acknowledge an absolute truth: Russians can drink anybody under the table. Any doubts I had about that fact were dispelled when I read War and Peace. Even so, Peter the Great makes all other Russians look like an Orgo study group when it comes to plasterability and general badassery. If this boss motherfucker were at a frat party, he would make even the broiest Sig Eps and Lodges look like prepubescent flautists as he takes 45-second swigs of grain alcohol while giving a detailed account of the time he murdered his son on the basis of his son being a pussy.