1. Original title: The Gettysburg Address – Abraham Lincoln, 1863
Why it sucks: If I had to guess the content of this speech based solely on the title, I’d assume Abraham Lincoln gave a reading of the Gettysburg, PA phonebook.
New title: Continue reading
The songs on Beyoncé’s fifth studio album, BEYONCÉ, are fine. They’re good songs that sound like the music Beyoncé makes, which is what people like to listen to. The music on the album is whatever and absolutely besides the point because OH MY GOD BEY JUST BROUGHT THE INTERNET TO A GRINDING HALT. Beyoncé unexpectedly dropping a 14-song album and the 17 corresponding music videos plus credits exclusively on iTunes—and the ensuing collective Internet swoon—makes Beyoncé pop culture’s truest celebrity and genius. But the mega-stardom and brilliance of Beyoncé and her album succeeds either because of, or in spite of her “visual album” presenting a form of pastiche as devoid of substantive value as Upworthy, and not even half as inspired.
The Hunger Games will likely be one of the movie series that defines this generation. It will be talked about for months and referenced for years. In lieu of this, we here at Sherman Ave feel it is of the utmost importance that everyone goes to see it. If, however, the threat of isolation from all of your closest friends and loved ones isn’t enough to convince you, we have 11 more reasons why you should see Catching Fire:
1. Jennifer Lawrence
An actress reaching the peak of her career and continuously improving her already-impressive craft, Jennifer Lawrence’s performance in Catching Fire has already wowed critics and fans alike, and is something you should not miss – even if you’re not a huge fan of the series.
Troll
Do you ever think about the celebrity infatuation that exists in this county?
The generous amount of on-air time spent covering the Hollywood aristocracy would make any publicity-seeking radical weep into their manifestos. This is especially true with the celebrity meltdown, the fall from grace which has become a parody of itself. The drugs, the denials, the arrests, it has all become so cliché that you need to spice it up nowadays if you want attention (e.g. with racism, animal abuse, revanchism, etc.).
Not listed: That Guy.
The Walking College Stereotype
Every sitcom and movie involving college students likes to portray them as rigidly focused students looking for their way in life during the day, and uncontrollable party animals at night. On Wednesday days at 3 A.M., they’re at the library struggling to stay awake – and on Saturday nights they’re at the bar struggling to stay standing. They’ll pull at least two all-nighters every week, eat ramen or fast food for every lunch and dinner, and get blackout drunk every weekend. Some people are like this for the first couple weeks of their freshman year – and others are this person for the entirety of their college lives; however, one thing is certain: you will come across someone like this at some point in college.
Mr. or Mrs. Pre-Professional
This person is always working towards some goal that they had in their childhood. They’re in the pre-med class, the pre-med fraternity, the pre-med club, and even the pre-med field hockey team. It’s impossible to talk to this person without eventually hearing “When I’m a doctor,” or “When I’m at Harvard Law.” The entirety of their life revolves around their future, and they won’t let you forget it.
If you’re anything like me, you simply have to wait for celebrity validation before going ahead with major life decisions, which is why I own nine George Foreman grills and six bottles of Spirit: Antonio Banderas cologne. Thus, come election season, I stand proudly with those beautiful, mythical dipshits that are the undecided voters until I receive word from my favorite stars on who should be the leader of this great land. As Gretchen Wieners and Cady Heron once discussed:
Gretchen: I mean, you wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looked good on you.
Cady: I wouldn’t?
Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with presidents. Like, you may think you like someone, but YOU COULD BE WRONG.
As we are all bound by, like, the rules of feminism to Gretchen’s code, I saved you the trouble of researching celeb endorsements to help you make an informed decision. The results were shocking. I may have thought that I liked Obama, but based on this list, I WAS WRONG. Without further adieu, your guide to the top celebrity endorsements that are guaranteed to make Willard Mitt Romney the next President:
Is it because Mitt has class and you don’t?
Lindsay Lohan
My gurl LiLo, Cady Heron herself, apparently took Gretchen’s rules to heart when she announced last month that she would be supporting Romney, stating “I think unemployment is very important for now.” Ugh, if only that kooky communist Obama wasn’t in the White House these past four years, Lindz wouldn’t be so unemployed all of the time!! Wait, what’s that? She’s been to rehab five times and may or may not be a klepto or a crackhead (say crack again CRACK)? Nope, that can’t be it. THNX 4 DENYING US MORE LINDSAY, OBAMACARE!
Chuck Norris
The king of direct-to-video action movies and subject of a million jokes that weren’t even funny in middle school when literally no one is actually funny, Chuck Norris, is a staunch conservative who released this video in support of Mitt, warning that a second term of Obama would usher in “1,000 years of darkness.” I hadn’t considered just how serious the old “Once you go black…” rule was until Chuck put it this way, but now that I’m aware, there’s no going back. Scary stuff indeed. Romney 2012!
Did anybody tell Meat Loaf that his career is over?
Meat Loaf
From the time that I first LOLed at his name in preschool (but it’s a FOOD!!), I have been a big fan of Mr. Loaf’s work. Hence, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Meat and Mitt sharing a stage in Ohio and belting “America the Beautiful” like they were the writers at the Ave plus Morty and it was TSwift. I was even more swayed by the Loaf’s endorsement speech: “The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’ I have never heard such a thing in my life.” Meat is ON TARGET here, I mean when will the liberal media stop covering for Obama and shed some light on the past 21 years of the Cold War that we haven’t been paying attention to?? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??
Kid Rock
Like many Americans, I wondered how Kid could ever outdo himself after making a sex tape with four groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed (but actually this happened look it up. The story not the video. Well whatever you want actually no judgment from the Ave). Luckily, Mr. Rock (Kid, not Chris) was able to replace Stapp with another guy who scores off the charts with the nation’s white douchebags, Paul Ryan, and the result was this amazing, amazing piece of memorabilia (hint hint I’m open to early Christmas presents).
Jenna Jameson
Many Republicans have tried and failed to develop a cohesive message that will appeal to the American people, but porn icon Jenna Jameson nailed it (UP-TOP!) in her August endorsement of Romney, declaring, “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.” There are any number of sexual puns that could be made here, but I feel that “Jenna Jameson endorses Romney” pretty much speaks for itself. Also, who knew that Jenna Jameson had some Republican in her, amirite? Ok done now.
As you can see, we have some real heavyweights behind the Romney-Ryan ticket this year. When you combine the sheer wattage of star power that I have listed above with other such prestigious Romney endorsers as Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood and his Chair, The Naked Cowboy from Times Square, Dionne from Clueless, and Chachi from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the choice is clear, America. When you all step into that voting booth, keep these endorsements in mind. They represent all that we can achieve in Mitt Romney’s America. And give credit to Mitt for assembling the jankiest, most mesmerizing, and most heinous batch of trainwrecks that any one man has ever attracted. He has certainly proven himself worthy of their support. Now go forth and vote, America. You do NOT want to let any of these stars down. Especially Lindsay, she is in a very fragile place in her life. Seriously someone help her.
-Charleston Nippleberry
What happens in Vegas shames your family name worldwide
Respectable news sources and TMZ were spinning today as pictures surfaced of Prince Harry, third heir to the throne of England and pompous ass-clown, playing “strip billiards” with a bunch of naked girls in Las Vegas. While the world attempts to recover from the most aggressive display of royal ginger nakedness since Queen Elizabeth I celebrated her victory over the Spanish Armada in 1588, we’d like to take a look back at history and reflect on some of the best stripping games created in the British royal line.
Strip Marriage (invented by Henry VIII)
King Henry VIII’s affinity for whipping it out was so intense that even Showtime’s “The Tudors” doesn’t have the stomach to accurately portray it. When he was wed to Catherine of Aragon in 1503, he was wearing nothing but a doublet and a codpiece! However, it wasn’t until his marriage to Jane Seymour in 1536 that he decided to strip during the marriage ceremony itself, and by the time he married Catherine Parr in 1543, he wore four tunics to the wedding so he’d have four tunics to suggestively rip from his corpulent body.
Richard I, shortly after administering a high-velocity cockslap to Saladin.
Strip Crusades (invented by Richard I)
Richard the Lion-Heart (who, as few people know, was also referred to as Richard the Rhinoceros-Shaft) was remembered for his valiant fighting in the Third Crusade. However, there is an explicably forgotten aspect of his glorious gallivanting – his tendency to charge into battle while ripping off his clothing and armor. In fact, some historians postulate that the scarring image of Richard’s flopping dong on horseback is largely responsible for the conservative nature of modern-day Islamic garb.
Strip Taxation (invented by George III)
Many look back on America’s independence as an event catalyzed largely by King George III’s merciless tax policies toward the American colonies. While there is considerable truth to that statement, history seems to have forgotten another central cause: the colonists’ absolute disgust with George’s genitalia. In 1768, the king commissioned his favorite artist to paint 1,500 portraits of his wrinkly British scrotum and have one placed in the city hall of every American colonial town. This greatly displeased the colonists, leading them to revolt against the British under the memorable slogan, “No taxation without taking down the dick pics.”
A rare picture of King George VI, showing him fully clothed and not inappropriately touching himself
Strip Stuttering (invented by George VI)
King George VI, made famous recently in the Oscar-winning movie The King’s Speech, is remembered as being the only king with a serious speech impediment – at least since the reign of King Thtephen in the 12th century. What Director Tom Hooper omitted, however, was King George’s tendency to rip off his pants and wave his dick around any time he became frustrated with his speech impediment. As legend has it, he became especially fond of this tactic during World War II, reportedly making a point of cupping his nuts every time he mentioned the word’s “Hitler,” “Nazis,” or “victory.”
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Shit I’m high.
There’s nothing like college to remind you that your childhood is dead and gone.[1] A lot of people spend their time fighting this realization like I fight the societal norm of wearing pants when I go to Confession. To counter-balance the horrifyingly disenchanting reality of adult life, college students often blend their adult pleasures with their childhood loves, like getting high while watching Disney Channel original movies, drinking gin at playgrounds, or documenting which absurdly sexualized cartoon characters were your favorite. For me, though, there’s no better way to come to grips with reality than by having a very real, very adult celebrity read me a classic bedtime story.
But the truth is, you can only hear Christopher Walken analyze Where the Wild Things Are so many times before you start playing Russian Roulette in Vietnamese cockfighting dens. Similarly, I’m not exactly sold on Samuel L. Jackson’s reading of Go the Fuck to Sleep. It’s like he’s simultaneously trying to entertain me and NOT entertain me, which coincidentally sums up SLJ’s performance in the Star Wars prequel trilogy. And Drew Bledsoe’s promising It’s Not Going to Get Any Better When You Grow Up is another reminder of the many ways I’ve disappointed my father (not being an athlete, not getting into Yale, not closing the garage door that one time he asked me to- NO WONDER YOU NEVER HUG ME DADDY.)
We need more celebrities to step out of their comfort zones and read us children’s stories while hinting at adult themes. Northwestern alumn Stephen Colbert just wrote his own children’s book, I Am a Pole (and So Can You!),[2]so the children’s book market is obviously about to hit a bubble. But we don’t want the Morgan Freemans and Liam Neesons of the entertainment world reading to us — their voices are so smooth and tender that they’d put us to sleep. As young adults fighting responsibility and normalcy, we’re probably going to be smoking crack and arranging cross-dresser strip poker while we listen to these audiobooks. With those circumstances in mind, I present to you these children’s book/celebrity mash-ups.
And then there was a high speed car chase that somehow managed to make Mini Coopers look cool.
Go Dog Go, as read by Mark Wahlberg
Go Dog Go is a great book for those just beginning to read, so Marky Mark, who failed to graduate high school, is a perfect fit. Ideally, Mr. Wahlberg will avoid a tangent about how he would’ve prevented 9/11. Mark’s ability as an actor will complement his description of Go Dog Go’s illustrations: “And ah, here’s a feckin’, ah, feckin’ blue dawg, drivin’ a cah, how tha fuck’s he do that? He’s a dawg! And oh hey there red dog, whadda you up to? Say hi to your bitch of a motha fo’ me, okay? And why the fack are all these dogs in a tree? They don’t got no thumbs, how tha fack do they climb a fackin’ ladduh?[3]”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar, as read by Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga has made herself the spokesperson for the disenfranchised, so a story about a morbidly obese insect that transforms into a narcissistic and self-absorbed glory hog is right up her alley. ‘Baby, you were born to eat that apple! And that pie. And that buffalo chicken sandwich… Just be you! You’re on the edge of glory gluttony!”
The Giving Tree, as read by Woody Allen
The author’s familiarity with Mr. Allen stems from watching the first 20 minutes of Midnight in Paris as well as several impersonations of the famed director-cum-statutory rapist. The man seems to be wracked by guilt, so a story about a boy who takes literally EVERYTHING from his best friend without saying thank you, and then dismembers his friend, and then sits on his friend because he can’t figure out what more harm he can do to his friend, is PERFECT for ol’ Woody.
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, as read by Robert Downey Jr.
Who better than Iron Man to read a story about a series of escalating dares, about living on the edge, about pressing the envelope and doing coke off said envelope and using that envelope to flag down strippers? No one. Fuck Charlie Sheen. “And then the mouse asked for “milk” to go with that “cookie,” if you know what I mean. And then the cops came to the mouse’s house with a warrant, and then the mouse turned out to be really fucking high, and then the mouse got his shit together and became really cool. The end.”
The Little Engine That Could, as read by Carly Rae Jespen
Ms. Jespen’s life is so fraught with uncertainty, her dramatic reading of this classic would feel incredibly organic and emotional.
The Polar Express, as read by Tom Hanks Chet Haze
Mr. Hanks is a little too hung up playing World War II with his buddy Stephen Spielberg, but his prodigal son is a perfect fit to read the book that inspired the movie that starred his father in like, seventeen simultaneous leading roles. Knowing Chet via his twitter feed, The Polar Express would likely become The Bang Bus to Miami, complete with shirtless pics and metaphysical discussions about materialism.
You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Oh The Places You’ll Go, as read by Nicolas Cage.
Just think about it.
Author’s note: Toni Morrison was asked to read The Kissing Hand but refused because the story involves raccoons. THAS RAYCESS. Additionally, Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro offered to read their co-authored story The Day Daddy Came Home Covered in Blood, but their submitted audiotape consisted only of the two Goodfellas actors saying “How am I funny?” and “You talkin’ to me?”
[1] Immediately after writing this sentence, the author broke down crying, clutching his blankie and Fuzzy Wuzzy bear. He only hopes you do the same.
Sherman Ave 