Study: Many NU Students Back to Being Horrible People They Were before DM

(via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il – A little over two weeks ago, Northwestern University’s Dance Marathon concluded its thirtieth and final hour, leaving thousands of participating students elated, overcome with emotion, and instilled with the motivation and drive to be better students, better friends, and overall better people to and for the campus culture around them.

Now, a recently conducted study reports that all such feelings have completely vanished from the above-mentioned students, leaving them in a mental state virtually identical to that of any given participant pre-DM.

“It’s quite the phenomenon,” said Dr. Waldo Hurphburger, a professor of Sociology at Northwestern and the chief researcher of the above study.  “In a single thirty-hour period, a morally repugnant, despicably selfish student can become a beacon of charitable kindness and generosity; then, in as little as sixty hours later, lose all such kindness and go back to being, in layman’s terms, a total fucking tool.”

Sherman Ave presents: Block 9 Interviews

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

18 “DM” Alternatives

(via Vimeo)

Dance Marathon.  If you’re reading this, you’re not doing it.*  Welcome to the eerily apocalyptic Northwestern campus mid-DM.  The only difference is that the people who constantly update their profile pictures and statuses are the ones who are gone, and as long as you don’t check Instagram you won’t see the stream of sweat and grime – until the Facebook albums go up.  Not doing DM is great because all the people you don’t like on campus are in one big tent for a whole day, and you just get to run around!

I have faith in you, charity-less Ave readers.  So our R&D team here came up with some alternative DMs for you to do over the next day instead:

Drunk Marathon – See here.

Derive Math – For the engineers/smarties out there, now’s the time to really see if Newton had his shit figured out.  I also highly recommend looking into the Lagrange Multiplier Theory, a personal favorite.

Do Mushrooms –

Do you love us now, Evanston?

Evanston, you love us even less than our father who's still disappointed we never got accepted to Yale.

Well, we did it. We raised over $1.1 million at Dance Marathon this past weekend for a charity benefitting efforts against childhood cancer and for the Evanston Community Foundation. We reached our goal and lots of people have told us we did really well. So, the question now is: Are you proud of us, Evanston? Do you love us now?

Because that’s what this is really all about. We know we’ve disappointed you before. We get it. But we’re just trying our best. We just want you to love us. We just want you to be proud of us.

We got the message loud and clear last year. We disappointed you — once again — with all that blowjob hollering. We heard you. We stopped. But did that make you love us? No. You let us know we could still never measure up.

But we kept trying. You told us you didn’t like what we did on Monday nights, so we stood by as you took away our collective mental health break. Headed to the library instead. But did that make you love us? No, we still saw that look of bitter disappointment in your eyes every time we passed you. It’s like our eighth birthday party all over again. You know, the one where we sat by the cake all day waiting for you to get home so we could blow out the candles? The one where you didn’t get back till 11pm and told us to stop whining and that birthdays don’t mean anything? Of course you don’t remember. You never cared.

Well finally maybe we’ve done something that could make you proud. We raised over a million, Evanston! Again! And we’re giving some of it to you! Do you love us now? Will you tell us we make you proud now? When you meet up with Chicago and Lake Forest will you stop saying that you “don’t have a college?”

No? Ok. We shouldn’t have gotten our hopes up. You’re right, we’re worthless. We’ll never be half the community you are. We’ll just slink back to our dorms and probably cry. A lot. Again. Hey, anyone have any Skol?

New Locations for The Keg of Evanston

Can you fit stripper poles into Cozy Noodles?

Now that the initial shock of TKOE’s liquor license being revoked has mostly passed, the owners are probably thinking about what they should do with their lives. While fifty-cent wing Wednesdays does sound appealing, I don’t think that The Keg is going to be surviving on their lunch menu. Accordingly to the rulebook, The Keg isn’t allowed to reapply for a liquor license.

Except that all they need to do is just move to a new location and get a shiny new license! Problem solved. You just got pre-lawed. But where should the Keg’s new location be?? I have saved them the trouble of a popcorn fueled brainstorm session and narrowed it down to the four best locations to continue their crusade against Overlord Tisdahl.

Sheil Catholic Center
I’ve only been to this mysterious place once when I tagged along with the notoriously upstanding Sir Edward Twattingworth III as he gave blood. This establishment has the uneasiness of a midwestern retirement home and the excitement of Sigma Nu on a Saturday night. The clear solution to this problem is obviously big cups, popcorn, Dan Persa, and general debauchery.

Tisdahl’s Office
So Elizabeth Tisdahl, the mayor of what was formerly known as “heavanston” pre-keg shutdown, is a raging ho-bag. When Morty wanted to give every student a puppy, she stole all of his purple attire and threatened to bleach it until he cancelled all puppy-related plans. She is every iPhone bandit. She has a poster of Richard Nixon in her office. She was behind Community getting cancelled. TKOE might as well occupy Betsy’s lifeless office and add a little pizazz to her awful, popcorn-less existence.

Dance Marathon
There’s no better combination than promiscuity and charity.

That's not honey mustard on the floor...

Burger King
Count Von Tisdahl might as well have also revoked BK’s food license since without the Keg, Burger King is just that place next to Beck’s that always smells like gluttony and regret. I wonder if the owners of the most profitable Burger King in the US of A know what has just happened to their lovely establishment. Are people even going to go to BK anymore without The Keg? What will be the fate of the sassy security guard? The only way to answer these questions is obviously for The Keg to just move into BK and become a haven for overall heinousness. Can I get a shot and a big cup with those chicken fries?