2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results

If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.

Most Heinous Event of 2012

With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.

5 Reasons You Should Do DM

It’s pretty damn hard to walk around campus anymore without being attacked by an army of bright eyed students yelling at me telling me to do DM.

Oh, if only they knew.

Of course I’ll do DM.  DM is an important part of student life.  I might even dare to say it’s one of the best things that we do here at Northwestern.  But when I say DM, I’m not referring to the DM with dancing.  Real DM.  Drunk Marathon.  Ten glorious three hour blocks of being drunk, one right after the other, each themed with a different type of alcohol or aspect of drunkenness.  30 hours out of normal everyday life turned into a vivacious, glorious, shitshow.  So why should you do DM?  Well, even though it’s kind of dangerous,[i] there are still plenty of reasons to do it.  Here are a few of them.

Bartistics: Quantifying the Best Northwestern Bars

The next Keg?

Sherman Ave editor Evander Jones teamed up with food blog What I’m Eating for Lunch’s curator Jameson Bulwinkle to provide a comprehensive statistical analysis—or bartistical analysis, if you will—of the Evanston and Chicago bars most frequently frequented by Northwestern undergraduates. But first, an explanation of the bartistical categories analyzed by Evander and Jameson:

Yelp Rating: How many Yelp starts the bar received, out of a maximum potential of five.
Distance from the Arch: As estimated in walking distance by Google Something Maps.
Best Weekly Special: The best available special the bar offers on a day of the week.
VORN: Value Over Replacement Night. This bartistic measures how much more valuable the bar’s weekly special night is compared to a random night at the same bar given the same blood alcohol content. A VORN of 5.4, for instance, means that the bar’s weekly special night is 5.4 times better than a random non-special average night at the same bar.
Food, Ambiance, and Drinks: All subjective scores, out of a maximum of ten points, assigned by Evander and Jameson.
OoS: Odds of Scoring. What is the percentage chance of an average Northwestern student patron hooking up with another patron from the bar?
BPT: Biddies per Townie. What is the ratio of biddies to townies at the bar?
ABP: Average beer price. ABP’s with asterisks are actual average prices, not estimates.

Keg Week 2013: Evaluating Possible Kegplacements

All those fun Evanston bars you can’t get into, and then also the Deuce.

As tragic as the loss of our dearly departed TKOE is, the simple truth remains that life must go on and the hein must continue. So it is that we, a sad and weary bunch, take up the task of finding a kegplacement. Urged on by a resigned knowledge that we have no other option, and by the occasional inbox for our devoted readers asking for our help, we accept our duty and offer a guide to possible locations to fill the gaping hole in our hearts that was The Keg:

Bat 17: Well heeeellllloooooo renovation, and what beautiful timing you have. Just as our hearts were broken to pieces by Mayor Tisdaddy, Bat chose to pick them up and build them into a huge new bar area. The newly renovated Bat features wide open spaces perfect for sweaty, unconscionable grinding and maintains its excellent drink selection. Still, a couple of prohibitive factors remain, including its relatively high prices and reasonable (read: “following the law”) ID policy. On the other hand, BEER TOWERS.

The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

Sometimes, one PBR just isn’t enough for a night in the stacks.

1.     Michael Cera: Nursing your first natty

Hey. You’re in the corner? Oh wow, I’m in the corner too. Wow, yeah. This corner is really hopping. [Silence]. Are you having fun in this corner? Yeah. Yeah, me too. I really like this song.

Hey, so this is probably gonna come off kinda weird but I thought I’d say a couple run-on sentences in a breathy detached voice about how pretty your eyelashes looked when that dude who looks like Tori Spelling stumbled into the wall and turned the light switch on for a second and I’m sorta hoping if I tell you this I’ll get laid cause you think I’m cute. I mean I’m not like trying to tell you you’re attractive but I’m not trying to tell you you’re not or anything, I guess if it’s okay that I think you’re really attractive then yeah that’s how I meant it. Oh. Oh, yeah. You have a boyfriend. You know, I think I need another drink.

Yet Another Apocalypse 2KDuz Guide: What To Do with Your Last Day on Earth

AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! YABOS!!!!

So it’s all over. Despite your healthy diet of Cheesie’s, alcohol, and more Cheesie’s, as well as your hobbies of binge-drinking, binge-regretting, and orgo all-nighters – it looks like your life is going to come to an early end. However, the end of the world doesn’t have to be all bad. Here are several ideas to help improve your final evening on Earth: