Tag Archives: Chester Hanks

Sherman Ave’s Tour Guide App

18 Apr

Northwestern Tour Guide Applications are due tomorrow. Here’s a copy of one Sherman Ave writer’s last-second application.

7 digit student ID number : 696969!

Attach a picture of yourself to this application

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1. Why do you want to be a part of the Tour Guide Community?

From an early age, I have had an insatiable desire to walk backwards while talking to high-achieving high school students and their overbearing parents.

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Selena Gomez arrives on campus; lives are ruined

5 Mar
Gomez, after repeatedly declining invitations to audit Human Sexuality.

Gomez, after repeatedly declining invitations to audit Human Sexuality.

EVANSTON — According to several poorly worded texts from friends, Selena Gomez visited campus on Monday. She was spotted at Hinman dining hall eating a minuscule slice of pizza, conversing with the grill lady, and Instagramming the salad bar.

One student who was eager to be interviewed, Chester Hanks, decided to skip class in order to meet Gomez. “She’s my dream girl. I figured if I met her and threw down some of my sick verses, she’d want to star in my next incredibly creative music video,” said Hanks.

Reporters were unable to reach #Kinetik for a statement on Chester’s up-and-coming hit, titled “Which One of You Peasants Stole My iPad.”

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White and Purple (Sherman Ave Remix)

15 Jun

Few artists have shaken the Northwestern community quite like Chet Haze. So what better artist to emulate for the release of Evander Jones’ first single than Chester Hanks himself? Jones’ cover will also be featured on our upcoming mixtape of local musicians, Now That’s What I Call Heinous, vol. 1, set for release this Winter, and can be purchased wherever print editions of Sherman Ave are sold.

This might be one of the few songs in recorded history featuring a worse rapper than Chet Haze himself.

Look for other Evander Jones artistic endeavors in the near future, including his upcoming romantic novel 50 Shades of Purple, his semi-autobiographical musical How to Start a Race Controversy Without Really Trying, and his senior thesis regarding the history of the fucksaw.