Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Spring Quarter

(via northwesternu.tumblr.com)

Congratulations! You’ve survived what appeared to be one of the worst quarters in NU’s history. Whether the weather got you down or you simply just screwed up every single one of your classes, it’s time to pretend it never happened and get ready for spring…FINALLY. Yay warm weather! Getting in shape! Boosting your GPA! Haha…not. While spring quarter is definitely better than winter, chances are people have totally over-exaggerated its perks, and you’re probably way more optimistic about it than you should be. But no worries, we at Sherman Ave are here to get your head out of your ass with our guide to spring quarter reality check.

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Student Calls Chicago “Chiberia;” Thinks He Is Clever, Trendy

Pictured: Chiberia, sometimes referred to as #Chiberia. (via mnn.com)

EVANSTON, IL – Sources reported that Northwestern student Zachary Goldowitz (Weinberg ’16) said the word “Chiberia” during a conversation with his friends at lunch today and, as a result, was very, very pleased with himself.

“Yeah guys, I swear, I’m so done with living in Chiberia,” Goldowitz reportedly said, taking care to slow down the cadence of his voice drastically upon hitting that last word, in order to let his friends be able to process how cool and hip he truly is.  “When will winter end, right?”

The word Chiberia – an amalgamation of the proper nouns “Chicago” and “Siberia” – has been widely used by a large swath of the Chicagoland population in order to describe the especially cold temperatures of northeastern Illinois this winter.  The logic of the name derives from the fact that “C,” “H,” and “I” are the first three letters of “Chicago;” and that “Siberia,” a far-northern region of Russia from which the moniker takes its final five letters, is one of the coldest areas on Earth.

In order to showcase his mastery of such a niche cultural reference, Goldowitz reportedly

The 7 Types of People You Meet on Chicago Public Transportation

7.  The costumed horror

It is impossible to frequently ride the El without running into someone wearing a costume that simply cannot be explained.  Whether it’s a group of young Asian men dressed as the Teletubbies or two middle-aged women dressed as salt and pepper shakers, every costumed horror will bring a mixture of confusion and awe to your CTA experience.  If you ride the CTA on Halloween night, you will see everything you never wanted to see and you will never be able to live your life as you once did.  

Keg Week 2013: The Top 10 Most Heinous Yelp Reviews for The Keg of Evanston

According to the online directory yelp.com, the Keg of Evanston is great for a late night and horrible for children without anything that resembles proper identification. For Sherman Ave’s ongoing celebration of Keg Week, we found the top ten yelp reviewers heinous enough to devote ten minutes of their lives to informing the greater Chicagoland area about TKOE.

10. Keg Dinner for Two

I’ve been shut out the past two times I tried to get dinner at the Keg, and this woman who looks old enough to remember when Evanston was dry is able to enjoy a meal there that cost as much as a night at Chili’s and probably tasted like a night at Joliet Correctional Center? Fate is as fickle as a co-ed on a stripper pole.

9. Nothing but the Truth

Too bad Tal R. confused Chet Haze for a New Trier dude.

8. ASIAN GIRL

Having eaten breakfast at Plex — which must be comparable to most high-end strip club breakfast buffets — I can really identify with Isaac C. Besides, most times when I scream “ASIAN GIRL,” they either mace me or shout back “HONKY BRO.” Incidentally, how much does a cab ride cost to get from The Keg to Deering?

Let it Snow (Please, for the Love of God)

Dear Weather,

What the fuck is going on.

If you live in the Chicagoland area, or really anywhere in the eastern/central Midwest, you have probably noticed something very peculiar this December, something that doesn’t quite gel with how you’ve experienced the Decembers of yesteryear:  You’ve looked outside your window, and seen grass.  Un-blanketed, un-white grass.  Again: it is late December.  There should be snow.  Where the fuck is the snow.