The Twelve Worst Things People Say to Northwestern Students

1. “What’s it like going to school in Boston?”
It’s Northwestern, not that other school in Boston. You know, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team?”

2. “How many times have you been to the NCAA tournament?”
Who’s really counting these days (#me #shame #depression)? Anyway, Chris Collins is going to take us to the Promised Land within the next two years, and there’s like a million other sports in which we’re bomb-ass.

3. “Son, your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
Seriously? Have you seen our ACT scores?

NU Suffers Through Three-Day Bowl Victory Drought

Fitz called the bowl win drought “heinous.”

The Northwestern Wildcats, following their 34-20 win over the Mississippi State Bulldogs on New Year’s Day, are enduring a historic three-day bowl win drought.

“It’s something we’re going to have to work on, go ‘Cats,” NU coach Pat Fitzgerald said. “Obviously it’s tough when you go 72 hours without winning a bowl game and we know our fans are disappointed, go ‘Cats. But we’ll keep working and trying to get that monkey off our back, go ‘Cats.”

NU went 64 years between the school’s two bowl wins, meaning that the three-day drought is the second longest in school history. Athletic Director Jim Phillips said he understands the frustration he’s heard from fans since the ‘Cats leg-humped Mississippi State for three hours on national television, but urged Wildcat fans to be patient.

#GetFuckedIllini

Fitz, representing the sexual domination to come.

Dear Illini,
Get Fucked.

Tomorrow is a momentous day for the State of Illinois. No, to our knowledge Oprah won’t be returning her show to Chicago. And no, Rockford will not be ceded to Wisconsin. This Saturday marks something far more special: Northwestern’s physical and mental obliteration of the Illinois Fighting Illini for the vaunted Land of Lincoln Trophy.