(via hexanine.com)
Guys, the baseball season is a few short days from beginning. And we here at the Ave would be remiss if we didn’t give you all the predictions you need to be one step ahead of the average baseball fan this year. Considering that I have the great gift of being able to see into the future when it comes to baseball (and only baseball, actually. It’s kind of a shitty gift), I want to present to you five things that no other season preview will tell you. Continue reading
Sherman Ave’s premiere sports authorities (like the store: Sports Authority #ad) Samwise Donkenstein and Manua Hiki-Hiki, have come together to give their predictions for 2013’s biggest bowl games. Plan your crippling gambling addictions accordingly.
Manua Hiki-Hiki: In a turn of events not even the assholes at Duke’s Fuqua (pronounced: Fuck You) School of Business could’ve predicted, Mike Krzyzewski’s some guy’s Duke Blue Devil football team that apparently exists and isn’t just a camp for the basketball team, will be taking on Johnny Football and the Texas A&M Agatha Christies (a.k.a Aggies) in The Chick-Fil-A Intolerance Bowl.
Duke, up until a 45-7 throttling by Florida State in ACC Championship Game, had been on course for one of their best seasons in many years. However, their luck is likely to only get worse in the Honestly I Always Assumed Chick-Fil-A Was Full of Bigots Bowl. With their leading rusher Jela Duncan suspended for “an undisclosed violation of its academic policy,” otherwise known as cheating, Duke will be even further disadvantaged in an already mismatched contest against Texas A&M.
In its current state, the Class of 2017 Facebook page is littered with depressing anecdotes ranging from “I lost my phone/Wildcard/dignity, etc., at (insert frat here), please let me know if you find it.” to “Is anyone else staying on campus for Thanksgiving break? Or should I just give up entirely?” But before we arrived on campus, the Facebook group was the most convenient way to let an entirely new group of people know how excited you were, how funny you thought you were, and what your AP scores were. In this heyday, the one name that appeared more frequently than any others on the rest on the page was Jacob Jones. And when his name appeared to be on the cusp of trending during Purple Pride, the question had to be asked: who is the real Jacob Jones? We sent Elder Tickles and Detroit Slim to Satan’s Asshole Hinman to find out.
Elder Tickles: What’s one thing you wish you had known going into the Class of 2017 Facebook page? Continue reading
Sherman Ave countercultural correspondent Evander Jones recounts last year’s drunken, debauched scene at the infield of Churchill Downs.
I GOT OFF the charter bus around midnight and no one spoke as I walked into the Seymour, Indiana Days Inn. The air was thick and hot, like wandering into the men’s bathroom of the Keg. Inside, people hugged each other and shook hands … big grins and a whoop here and there: “By God! You old bastard! Come here bro.”
In the air-conditioned lounge I met an Econ major who said his name was something or other — “but just call me Jimbo” — and he was here to get it on. “I’m ready for anything, by God! Anything at all. Yeah, what are you drinkin?” I ordered a Margarita with ice, but he wouldn’t hear of it: “Naw, naw … what the hell kind of drink is that for Kentucky Derby time? What’s wrong with you, boy?” He grinned and winked at the bartender. “Goddam, we gotta educate this boy. Get him some good whiskey … ”
I shrugged. “Okay, a double Old Fitz on ice.” Jimbo nodded his approval.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.
While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.
Hmmmmm……..
Happy Chick-Fil-A day!
First, I’m going to point out that bitching about how someone’s interpretation of the Bible is wrong isn’t going to change their beliefs. Then I’m going to bitch about anti-gay crusaders’ interpretation of the Bible.
“The sanctity of marriage,” according to my translation of some people’s opinion, is a statement that presumably means that marriage is a Rull Special Thang. By letting just anyone marry, it’s not Rull Special anymore. Okay, got it. But the strategy so far (convert every LGBTQ in America by invalidating their feelings and telling them that they’re aberrations?) hasn’t really worked. If we’re gonna go down the road of preserve-marriage-by-making-it-only-available-to-some, we should bar a few others as well. Or just assassinate them, cause I’d be down with that.
1. Bruno Mars
Finish this sentence:
“It’s a beautiful night. We’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I want to __.”
Get Northwasted with ShermanAviators and attempt to pee on every building on campus while singing an impromptu a capella Katy Perry/Adele mashup? No, I’m sure you’re aware that that’s Ross Packingham’s sole purpose in life. Host a Winnie the Pooh-themed squaredance and kidnap someone’s mom because you want an even number to play Flipcup? No, that doesn’t rhyme. Beat the shit out of a homeless dude? Apparently at least three assholes who need to die painfully are into that, but the author and vessel of these words has a much more sinister plot. Bruno Mars, who according to a recent poll has swiped the v-cards of 35% of teenage girls during their algebra daydreams,* wants to marry you.
…the fuck??
Look, B-mizzle, your name and your voice sound like they belong to a small ugly dog or a European pseudo-manslut. I’m sick of hearing your song about a completely uneventful day. And the assholes in this world who are offended by two people enjoying one anothers’ penises should really just calm the fuck down and be offended by Bruno Mars instead. This Motherfucker is partaking in the drink of the devil and clearly hasn’t asked her father’s permission. I’d mention that love isn’t exactly a central theme of the song, but the sacred kinds of marriage are apparently built on sanctity and not love, or no one would GAF.
Hell, at least Train was going to wait until he got the nerve to say hello in that café.
Hello Cleaveland!!!
2. Kim Kardashian
I wish that, for every small child that was given a homophobic protest sign by a Bigoted Motherfucker, another small child would be given a sign that said, “For the love of whatever God you believe in, stop media coverage of this woman.” While I congratulate her on having an admirable pair of boobies, only a woman desperate for companionship would marry someone who has the word “hump” in his name. She has also casually tossed the idea around of marrying her current beau, and I am convinced that living with Kanye West would be almost as bad as reading Ross Packingham’s Facebook powertrips.
Look, let’s all just agree that the Kardashian family is a few hookers short of a brothel and one letter short of a really fucked-up set of initials. Now who wants to take bets on when the number of how many weddings she’s had will exceed her bust measurement?
3. Anyone in Las Vegas
Enough said.
I will conclude this pathetic rant with the semi-relevant words of Commandant Leo Sextoi: “Bitches be too pretentious and uptight.”
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is heinous. The other is as though everything is heinous.” – Albert Einstein
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*second only to Justin Bieber, who regularly performs cunnilingus on young women while they avoid focusing on whatever the fuck their stupid English teacher is saying.
Sherman Ave 
