Advertisements
Tag Archives: Christmas

How to Have a Heinous Holiday Party

19 Dec

Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?

Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:

1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers

Just the basics.

2. Alcohol

Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?

3. A good present

Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.  Every last one.

**SPOILERS** All of these presents contain porn.

Continue reading

Fuck This Tree

17 Dec

Fuck this tree.

This fucking tree. I promise I don’t normally start stories in medias res, but I can’t help it. This tree is a giant, nine-foot, demonic, home-wrecking, total piece of fucking shit.

Commandant L.S., face full of Christmas rage.

Commandant L.S., face full of Christmas rage.

I say this as I stand next to my family’s royal failure of a tenenbaum, something which even Linus from Charlie Brown would be ashamed to be associated with. This tree has taken so much time from me, enacted so much emotional stress on my family, that I can’t help it if I no longer see it as an inanimate fucking object. It’s got a life of its own. It’s a damn demon tree. I’ve stood next to it, supporting it, for the last 90 minutes, trying to keep it from falling over again. I only momentarily take my hands off of it to help unwind the garland and remove the ornaments, and I swear it knows that I’m starting to trust that it won’t fall over, so it decides to make a move to take out the window behind me.

Like most disasters one lives through, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when the tree first fell, a little over two hours ago. Except that, like most disasters one lives through, the trauma of the event likely prevented my memory from working correctly. I think I was playing video games in my room at home, waiting for my buddy to call me back about going out for a beer. But for all I really know, I was furiously masturbating to a Celine Dion song in the furnace closet down the hall when my mom shouted up to me. Continue reading

How to Deal with Your Family This Holiday Season

16 Dec

With winter break upon us, many of us will be back at home spending time with our families. To some of us, this sounds like a great chance to reunite with the people you love the most. However, to many of us, this is a nightmarish scenario that you have dreaded since you left for school. Have no worries, we here at Sherman Ave are ready to guide you through interactions with every family member this holiday season (And by “holiday season,” I really mean Christmas, because Hanukkah is over and there has yet to be sufficient proof that Kwanzaa exists).

Ugh. These assholes.

Dad

What to expect: You know he’s going to be an asshole from the get go. He will be asking questions about your grades before he says hello. That’s just his style. The trick here is not giving away that you regularly sleep until 1 pm and don’t go to most of your classes. If you keep the jig up, he might just keep paying for tuition.

Make sure to say: “It’s like a common Northwestern practice to drop two classes.”

Mom Continue reading

A Call for ‘Respectful’ Black Friday Celebrations

27 Nov

Dear fellow Northwestern students,

With Black Friday happening this weekend, we wanted to take this opportunity to reflect on the actual meaning of the occasion, and how that should guide the way we celebrate this Friday. Continue reading

A Gentile’s Guide to Jewish Christmas

27 Nov

What is this “Hanukkah” I keep hearing about?

Pictured: Jewish Christmas Candle Thing

Pictured: Jewish Christmas Candle Thing

Hanukkah (which is Hebrew for ‘Christmas’), is a Jewish holiday which takes place sometime between October and February, celebrating the Jews discovering fire. They were so proud of this discovery that they decided to show off for over a week by lighting candles every night. But once they realized that Christmas was a thing, they knew they had to step up their game because there was no way that candles could compete with flying deer and bringing dirty trees into the living room. They evened the score by adding presents, food, games, and uncomfortable family conversations, essentially making it a drawn out version of Christmas. Continue reading

What You’re Doing Over Winter Break

29 Dec

We’re a full three-ish weeks into Winter Break now, and all your productive little plans have collapsed faster than the economy once we go off the fiscal cliff, rite?! Rite. But with the help of all those fun little hidden cameras we’ve installed in all of our readers apartments/dorms/houses (you would not BELIEVE what goes on in young Chester’s apartment… hint: marijuana drugging), we know what you’ve been up to:

1. Not changing out of your pajamas. And why should you? This is break, bitches! Sleep till 2pm. Wear your comfy jamjmaz all day. Don’t shower, workout, get dressed, brush your teeth, comb your hair, or, most importantly, come into contact with another human person. Seriously. It’s perfectly fine to bum around all day over break, but do NOT for a moment be fooled into thinking that your friends will understand. Just hide in your house, dirty and unkempt, until you decide you’re ready for human interaction. Then shower up, shave that back, throw some Lacoste on and get ready to get muploaded. Continue reading

Things I Wanted for Christmas but Didn’t Get

27 Dec
Do they even make Bacon Tequila?

Do they even make Bacon Tequila?

I only asked for a few things this Christmas, but unfortunately Santa decided to bring me socks and Chapstick instead. So, I’m reaching out to the loyal readers of the Ave. If you are still feeling the holiday spirit, I would love nothing more than to receive the following:
Continue reading

Things You Should Do During Christmas

24 Dec

There’s nothing quite like Christmas.  This special holiday has the power to get Fox news commentators up in arms, replace your favorite TV shows with endless holiday specials, and temporarily make it socially acceptable for certain bearded fat men to let children they don’t know sit on their laps.

However, once Christmas arrives, many people are unsure just what to do with this magical time.  Some sit around praying that they get the present they want (a night of passion with Jennifer Lawrence).  Others sit around with their family, listening for the millionth time to their grandfathers’ story of how he slept with Audrey Hepburn, and wishing they were anywhere else.  So, here’s a list of things you can do instead.
Continue reading

EXCLUSIVE: Chet Haze’s Holiday Album Delayed Indefinitely

16 Dec
The album climaxes with Chet and Ludacris merrily shouting "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

The album climaxes with Chet and Ludacris merrily shouting “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

Sources have confirmed that Tom Hanks’ son and Northwestern’s premiere rapper on all things Hollywood, Chet Haze, has decided to segue into rhyming about the holidays but has run into difficulty regarding the release of his seasonal album, Stocking Stuffer.  The album, which is rumored to feature veteran heavy hitters such as Chamillionaire, has been marked with numerous delays.  A track titled, “T-Giving Family Ruckus” co-written by legendary rapper Ja Rule blew the original pre-Thanksgiving release date on account of the rapper still rounding out a 28-month prison sentence for tax evasion and could not make it into a Chicago recording studio with Haze.

Continue reading