Terrified Senior Ecstatic Northwestern Gets Out So Much Later Than Other Schools

Realizing that the steady, inevitable march of time had brought him to the brink of graduating and the horrifying prospect of life in the real world, Weinberg senior Brandon Grammer reported last week that he was extremely glad, euphoric even, that Northwestern students get out a full month later than their semester school counterparts.

“Yeah, all my friends are posting sad statuses and snapchat stories about how bummed the are to be graduating,” Grammer said, sweat dripping from his brow as his eyes nervously darted across the room. “TOTAL suckers AMIRIGHT?!?”

Grammer, who

Schapiro Urges Jewish Graduating Seniors to Donate $57.74

(via Northwestern)

Citing the year in the Hebrew calendar and the great importance of giving back to the university, Northwestern President Morty Schapiro asked graduating seniors of Jewish descent to donate $57.74 in an email this morning.

The move was unexpected, as past graduating classes have been asked only to donate according to the year in the Gregorian calendar, recently totaling only about $20. But Schapiro believes it is important for seniors raised in the Jewish tradition to give the extra $37.60.

“More than fundraising, the senior gift is about ensuring the survival of traditions at Northwestern,” said Schapiro in the email, which was sent only to Jewish seniors. “And what better way to honor the Jewish tradition than by identifying yourselves not as the Class of 2014, but as the Class of 5774.”

Added Schapiro, “But also, fundraising.”

From Wildkittens to Wildcougars: A GIF Journey from Freshman to Senior Year at Northwestern

Dear Class of 2017,

Three short years ago the class of 2014 shuffled at the pace of a dehydrated desert tortoise because everyone’s parents felt the need to take photos every five steps marched through the arch and commenced the drunk, sweaty adventure that was Wildcat Welcome 2010. In a few weeks, we’re really looking forward to sitting on our front porches, drinking beer that isn’t Busch Light, and watching you wander aimlessly as you try to find that awesome party near the corner of Maple and Simpson.